FUCK THE NFL DRAFT

There Once Was A Man Named D’Brickshaw…

Your team may or may not have just fucked itself
for the next five years because it decided to waste not only its first
round pick, but millions of dollars on a burgeoning smack-head like
Todd Marinovich or a psychotic IDITO like Ryan Leaf or it may have
passed on Barry Sanders for a steroid-fueled mongoloid like Tony
Mandarich because of “his tremendous upside.”

The draft is an absolute gamble in every respect, however, there
are reasons why teams like the Patriots, Panthers, Steelers and Colts
(except this year) always seem to draft well. They are disciplined,
base their picks on past performance and avoid the sexy numbers that
can come out of a draft combine.

Their front offices are staffed with people who focus on a player’s
discernible attributes instead of focusing on invisible intangibles
like “upside,” “potential,” and “value.” Those pretty sounding words
don’t mean shit when organized violence begins on football fields on
Sunday afternoons.

Teams like the Lions, Texans, Vikings, Rams and Bills consistently
fuck up their drafts because they think they have some
magical ability to see something on film that no one else sees. You
know, like Eric Crouch’s amazing ability to shoot fire from his asshole
or Charles Rogers’ talent for turning invisible on big third down
passing plays.

For years the Texans have let their prized, talented quarterback,
David Carr, throw passes from his back because they have retreads and
losers on the offensive line. Over the last three years the Texans have
taken defensive “studs” like Travis Johnson, Dunta Robinson and Jason
Babin in the first round to contribute to one of the worst defenses in
the NFL. Instead of surrounding Carr on the offensive line with big,
corn fed motherfuckers who break legs for a living to protect him, the
Texans have neglected the most important unit on a football team to
reach for questionable “talent” on the defensive side of the ball, and
they did so again this year.

Most of this shit is a no-brainer because everyone gets to see the
same thing. Evaluating players is not that hard when all you have to do
is look at the fucking game film that has been provided courtesy of
every fucking college team on the planet. Yet, in spite of an age of
incredible information and analysis, teams in the NFL find new and
exotic ways to drive their fans crazy and fuck up their lineups for
years at a time.

So, without further ado, we bring you the Official Ruthless Guide to the First Round of the 2006 NFL Draft.

Houston Texans

Mario Williams – DE – North Carolina State.

Gentlemen, I present to you Aundray Bruce part deux. Like Bruce,
Williams is being hyped as “the next big thing” because of his raw
athleticism. Unfortunately, his physical skills are outweighed by his
enormous laziness and penchant for walking more than he runs.

The utter stupidity of this pick is just baffling. Not just because
the Texans passed on a man who is Gayle Sayers multiplied by Marshall
Faulk and not just because they got a 14-inch hard-on over Williams’
ridiculous physical scores at the scouting combine, but because they
obviously ignored about three years worth of game film that shows
Williams taking off entire fucking halves of football games.

Not only that, the Texans were cheap. Not Donald Sterling making-a
huge-profit cheap, but crazy, asinine, senile and stupid cheap. This
group of eunuchs disguised as a football team had the nerve to lowball
Reggie Bush with an eight-percent increase on the contract that Alex
Smith got last year as the overall number one pick.

When Bush balked, the Texans signed Williams then ran out some
tired bunch of bullshit about how they needed to address needs on
defense. This is the worst example of fiscal irresponsibility and
latent racism since the Rams refused to give Eric Dickerson a raise
after he broke O.J. Simpson’s single-season rushing record.

To amplify the point, Houston Texans GM Charlie Casserly, who was
carted out to explain this fiasco, just took Art Shell’s old job as NFL
vice president of football operations in New York. You know, the job
Shell LEFT to go back to coaching in Oakland. It has been rumored for
months that Casserly was on his way out since McNair hired Dan Reeves
(the guy who misused John Elway for years) as a consultant to critique
the Texans football operations.

Anyways, if Leinart had been the number one choice, I guarantee he
would have received a record-setting contract and the right to to fuck
Bob McNair’s daughter in the ass. Houston will regret this choice for
the next 10 years unless Williams becomes a hybrid of Bruce Smith and
Lawrence Taylor, but that is highly doubtful since he is lackadaisical,
unmotivated, and more interested in looking good in the weight room
than playing balls-out on the field for 60-minutes.

New Orleans Saints

Reggie Bush – RB – USC

Finally, after enduring decades of corruption and negligence to its
infrastructure, a horrendous hurricane, a devastating flood, a loss of
half its population and the scourge of the Bush administration, New
Orleans finally gets a fucking break.

Okay, Reggie Bush is not going to fix the levees, restore the
dignity of the lower ninth ward or replace Ray Nagin as mayor, but in
football terms he is everything he has been made out to be and more.

For three years he has made every defender in college football look
absolutely foolish. He does not just make tacklers miss; he blows them
kisses as he runs by then fucks their girlfriends at the party after
the game. He has the unique ability to do the equivalent of walking
through walls on football fields and make eleven sets of knees buckle
when he makes a cut.

He is borderline impossible to touch in the open field, has maybe
the best football speed on the planet and a preternatural ability to
stop and start on command. The 500-plus total yards he hung on Fresno
State (which is maybe the most underrated program in the NCAA) was one
of the finest performances in the history of college football. The punt
return he made against the Washington Huskies should be put in a time
capsule for future generations and the game he had against UCLA was
super-human.

The fact that every team he played against was more concerned about
him than Matt Leinart and LenDale White combined should give one an
idea as to how talented and disciplined this kid is. Forget the
ill-conceived lateral against Texas, that was a fucking anomaly. He has
athletic ability that is a cross between that of a sprinter, gymnast
and a ballet dancer and he has a solid head on his shoulders.

Don’t believe the bullshit about durability because you can’t wear
down what you can’t catch and you can’t hurt what you can’t hit. Bush
will get at least 25 touches a game as a tailback, receiver and
kick-returner; more than enough to butt-fuck special teams units and
cause insomnia among defensive coordinators throughout the league.
He’ll also have Deuce McAllister (who will still get 25 touches or so a
game) to share the load and take the hits between the tackles.

The New Orleans offensive staff is drooling over the potential of
an attack that includes Bush, McAllister, Dante Stallworth, Joe Horne
and a healthy Drew Brees. If this team stays healthy, book the Saints
for 10 wins in a resurgent season.

Tennessee Titans

Vince Young – QB – Texas

The Titans coaching staff wanted to draft Matt Leinart and reunite
him with his old offensive coordinator from USC, Norm Chow. That was
until Titans owner Bud Adams awoke from a moonshine binge, wiped the
puke off his face, kicked the 20-dollar hooker out of his bedroom,
picked up the phone on the morning of the draft and insisted that his
brain-trust of experienced football men draft Vince Young. If I were
Jeff Fisher, I would have quit on the spot, told ol’ Bud to teach Vince
how to read a cover two scheme and headed off to Mexico for three
months of Latin pussy and newly-legalized drugs.

Ah, Andre Ware, er, Vince Young. The quarterback who until the Rose
Bowl was going to stay at Texas another year so he could work on his
passing skills. That was until he burned USC for 467 of total offense
(200 on the ground) and ran for three touchdowns while throwing for
none.

Earth to Vince, you will not find open prairies like that to run
through in the NFL. Ask Steve McNair – the prototype for the modern
moving QB – about how hard quarterbacks get hit when they venture out
of the pocket and head downfield. That guy has been playing on one leg
with a collapsed lung for four years. Oh wait, you guys are great
friends and he is yourt mentor, don’t tell me he told you to leave
early so you could get the shit beat out of you by the likes of
Pittsburgh and Baltimore?

Anyhow, I have no issues with Young’s release point, arm slot or
relative arm strength. Bernie Kosar threw floating Frisbees for years
and did just fine. Fuck, Bobby Lane puked in the huddle and threw
passes that resembled dead ducks launched from a catapult and won two
NFL Championships when guys did not wear facemasks. Warren Moon had to
endure years of criticism related to his not playing in a pro offense
in college. He put that bunch of bullshit to rest and was just inducted
into the Hall of Fame.

However, I am not convinced Young is any of those guys. Young comes
from an offense that required one fucking read before he had the
clearance to run downfield and weave his way through defensive
powerhouses like Baylor and Texas Tech. You can even pull that shit
against USC, but that shit don’t fly in the NFL, “homes.” Just ask your
boys Ron Mexico, Rick Mirer and Duaundratey Culpepper what it’s like
once NFL defenses start adjusting to your freelancing and they force
you to actually read coverage schemes. That shit takes years of
practice. And there is a very real possibility that Young will start at
some point this season in front of Billy Volek because Bud Adams has
proven time and again he is a money whore.

In the meantime, you’ll have teams like the Ravens and Steelers
throwing blitz packages at Young that will have him shitting in his
BVD’s. Not only that, the guy who could teach the kid a thing or two –
McNair – has been sent packing. Genius. Pure fucking genius.

Oh, did I mention that the number three slot is also a relative
graveyard for quarterbacks? Save for Steve McNair, this draft slot has
produced these immortals: Heath Shuler, Akili Smith, and Joey
Harrington. Enjoy your date with infamy, Vince.

4. New York Jets

D’Brickashaw Ferguson – LT – Virginia

Oh please, this guy is the most overrated offensive lineman since
Tony Mandarich stunk up a jockstrap, shot steroids in his scrotum,
popped zits on his back and saw the cartilage in his knees
disintegrate. Ferguson has awful technique, has no clue as to how to
use leverage and got routinely smoked by superior college competition
from the likes of Miami and Virginia Tech. With one quarterback using a
shoulder made from papier-mache and another so shitty he could not
supplant the decrepit Mark Brunell, the Jets went with the “smart” pick
figuring they can plug Ferguson in at left tackle for the next 10 years
and never worry about the position again. Ha, they will be worrying
during week two when Bill Bilichick decides to fuck with Ferguson’s
mind and send blitz packages that make him do the pee-pee dance off the
snap. Maybe, just maybe I am wrong about this guy, but John Hannah,
Anthony Munoz, Jackie Slater, Walter Jones and Orlando Pace were the
only tackles (Hannah was a guard in college) worthy of the “perennial
All-Pro” moniker straight out of college. And none of those guys ever
got flat out beat in college, they dominated. Ferguson is far from that
class, he’s more likely to be serviceable, but far from dominant.

5. Green Bay Packers

AJ Hawk – OLB – Ohio State

Finally, we have a pick that makes sense. Green Bay did their
homework on this kid all year. Since the end of the season, the Packers
had been projected to take this guy in the number five slot. Watching
game film of this kid leaves a couple of stark impressions: This guy
knocks out teeth when he hits and his pursuit angles cut running backs
in two, leaving their entrails on the field. Green Bay can legitimately
plug this monster in at the strong side ‘backer position and let him
wreak havoc for the next 8-12 years barring injury. He sheds blockers,
exhibits great vision as plays unfold and punishes runners who venture
into his part of the field. The kid’s got football smarts off the
charts and shows an ability to make subtle adjustments in his
positioning before the snap. When he does blitz, he’s lethal as
hemlock. His combination of quickness and speed are only outweighed by
his supreme use of leverage when he fights off blockers. This pick will
go a long way towards solving the Pack’s long term problems on defense.
Now if they could only get a left tackle to protect Favre’s aging,
wrinkled cock.

6. San Francisco 49er’s

Vernon Davis – TE – Maryland

This is one of the smartest picks of the draft. Davis provides a
big, fast target for Alex Smith and he has fantastic hands. He does not
have Jeremy Shockey’s arrogance and stupidity or Kellen Winslow II’s
blatant idiocy, so he should easily avoid injuring himself doing donuts
on a motorcycle or pissing off an opposing coach by calling him a homo.
Seeing the kid cry when he got drafted was refreshing to say the least.
The first thought that went through my mind was his family saying,
“Halleluiah, no more fucking mac and cheese for dinner and we can get
out of this fucking housing project.” San Francisco has a shitload of
work to do, but Davis gives them an immediate upgrade in the passing
game. Pencil him in for 75 catches, 850 yards and 9 TD’s.

7. Oakland Raiders

Michael Huff – CB/S – Texas

Al Davis has a fetish for hard hitting defensive backs who destroy
spinal columns as a matter of course. Unfortunately, Skip Atkinson and
Jack Tatum were not on the board. However, Matt Leinart was. Now,
considering that the Raiders had a little success with a smooth
throwing left-hander back in the 70’s, (Ken Stabler, damn it!) it might
have made sense to draft the QB with the most catchable (read accurate)
ball in the draft when you have Randy Moss and Jerry Porter at wide out
simply begging for a competent quarterback. And no, Kerry Collins does
not count unless he is drinking. I know Andrew Walter has a gun and Al
wants to make sweet love to the kid under a hot shower, but you don’t
pass on Matt Leinart when he falls this far. Unless Huff is able to
cover an entire third of the field and score three touchdowns a game,
this is a huge mistake. Oh wait, Aaron Brooks is in Oakland. I guess
those interception problems have been solved, right?

8. Buffalo Bills

Donte Whitner – S – Ohio State

Gotta’ love them Buckeyes on defense, however, this pick is total
bullshit. Whitner was supposed to go some time in the second round, but
apparently because Lawyer Milloy is gone and Troy Vincent is aging
fast, someone (Earth to Marv Levy) in the organization saw this guy as
a big need? Right, and JP Losman is the answer at quarterback? I’m just
curious because he looks more like Tony Banks than Joe Namath. So, the
Bills pass on Leinart AND Jay Cutler to go get a “play-making” safety
who has trouble making pre-snap reads and adjusting his positioning?
That is pure fucking genius. Marv Levy must be getting senile or he
really misses having Bill Polian around to talk some sense into him.

9. Detroit Lions

Ernie Sims – LB – Florida State

After three years of drafting wide receivers with their first pick,
the Lions diversified their stupidity and went after a retarded
linebacker. This guy could be a bad motherfucker, but I doubt it. I see
him as a total washout, but one thing is for certain, he is fucking
mean. He has a criminal record that includes domestic battery and
resisting arrest that was reduced to disorderly conduct, so obviously
the Lions did their homework in terms of the guy’s character. He will
be playing on the weak-side because he is on the small side and will
get manhandled by good offensive tackles in the running game. That
being said, he puts himself out of position because he tries to run
around blockers. That’s not a good trait for a linebacker when your job
is to shed blockers and tackle the ball carrier. Maybe he feels more
comfortable taking on women. However, he is fantastic in pass coverage
and is great from sideline to sideline when no one is touching him. I
mean, what the fuck is wrong with Matt Millen? Is that brain of his
functioning? Do you really think Jon Jesus Kitna is the answer at
quarterback and did you not see that Leinart and Cutler were on the
board? By the way, just sitting there waiting to be picked up was
Haloti Ngata from Oregon. That man is so massive, strong and athletic
he occupies at least two blockers on every fucking play. Oh, I’m sorry
Matt, you have fat, overpaid asses anchoring your “defense” up-front.
Smart. Real, fucking smart. Watch Sims get blown out as teams run right
at him every time he’s on the field.

10. Arizona Cardinals

Matt Leinart – QB – USC

After Detroit passed on Leinart, it’s been reported that Dennis
Green immediately called his favorite pimp and had three high school
girls sent to his room for a party later that evening. The cocaine was
laid out, the champagne was flowing, the dollar bills were flying and
this is all in time for the opening of a new stadium in the desert. I
am no fan of USC, but I am a fan of proven talent and ability. Matt
Leinart fits the bill on both counts. He is also a proven winner. Not
that college is the end all be all, but Leinart played on and led a
team that carried a bullseye for the entire three years he played in
Los Angeles. The Notre Dame game this past season should have been a
clue as to how much poise Leinart possesses on a football field. Facing
a fourth and nine deep in his own territory, at Notre Dame and with the
longest winning streak in the nation on the line, Leinart threaded a
perfect pass over a Notre Dame defender who was in perfect defensive
position to prevent the catch. This kid has “it” and he has “it” just
oozing from him. I could give a fuck about the off-field persona; I
give a shit about how he seemingly played mistake free football for
three whole seasons in one of the most pressure-packed environments in
all of college football. Now if they could just get him signed before
the opening of the 2008 season. It looks like the Bidwell family is
doing what the always do; go cheap.

11. Denver Broncos (from St. Louis Rams)

Jay Cutler – QB – Vanderbilt

Ever since they won the Super Bowl, the Rams have found a way to
fuck up their draft. They have not drafted a Pro Bowl caliber player
since 1999 when they went and got Tory Holt with the number six pick
out of NC State. Then, with Jay Cutler on the board and Marc Bulger
rehabbing from another injury, they trade this extremely valuable pick
to the Donkos for a crackwhore from the Motel 6 on Colorado Blvd. and
Colfax, a gay hustler from Cheesman Park, a bag of shitty cocaine cut
with Borax and the 15th pick in the draft. The Donkos then draft
Cutler, a guy with a rifle for an arm, good moxy in the pocket and
enough smarts to actually graduate from Vanderbilt without the athletic
scholarship if he needed to. The biggest clue with this kid is not just
that he routinely eviscerated SEC defenses while protected by a
threadbare line and limited talent at the skill positions, but that he
was so fucking calm during the draft. While Leinart, whom I like,
looked like he was going to cry from disappointment, Cutler sat on his
couch as if he had just gotten blown by three porn stars comfortable
knowing that wherever he goes, he is going to start sooner rather than
later. He may just get that chance since Jake Plummer’s moustache is
currently keeping the quarterback chair warm.

12. Baltimore Ravens

Haloti Ngata – DT – Oregon

Remember when Tony Siragusa dislocated Rich Gannon’s shoulder in
the AFC Championship Game effectively ruining Oakland’s chances? That’s
the kind of impact this guy can have on teams he plays against. He is
enormous, athletic and does not fuck around when it comes to playing
football. Trust me; always go with the Polynesians up front. They eat
guards and centers for breakfast and at the end of the day they gorge
themselves on poi, pineapple, pussy and quarterbacks. Ngata does not
warrant a double team, he demands it. If there is any gas left in Ray
Lewis’ tank, we are going to find out, because if Ngata takes the
starting spot up front, Lewis and whomever else is playing linebacker
will be free to wreak havoc in backfields all over the league. If he
can avoid injury and improve his stamina, watch him dominate the line
of scrimmage a-la Gilbert Brown before he decided to eat the entire
menu at Bertha’s Soul Food for dinner every night.

13. Cleveland Browns

Kamerion Wimbley – DE – Florida State

Interesting name spelling aside, the kid’s got talent. Just not
enough to keep me from talking shit. I’m somewhat willing to give Romeo
Crennell the benefit of the doubt on this one because he did wonders
with guys like Richard Seymour and Willie McGinnest, but this kid is
not quite in that class. He’s more in the “upside” and “potential”
class which makes me want to scream BULLSHIT! The only thing keeping me
from just shitting all over this pick is the fact that it’s Crennell
who is taking him. Crenell may turn him into a situational pass rushing
outside linebacker in a 3-4 scheme. I expect that in run defense he
would get blown out by the tackles no matter what side he plays on.
However, sorry, I don’t like guys who play on a narrow base, have a
limited arsenal of pass rush moves, suck in pass coverage and get all
their pre-draft juice from spectacular combine workouts. Guys who only
put out maximum effort for stopwatches and scouts in the winter and
spring usually suck cock on Sundays.

14. Philadelphia Eagles

Brodrick Bunkley – DT – Florida State

Well, if nothing else, Bobby Bowden will be bragging to his new
crop of recruits about how he sends guys to the top end of the first
round of the draft every year. Unfortunately, Bowden also sends busts
by the busload to the League every year. Anyone have Chris Weinke’s
number? This guy is not a DT, nor is he a defensive end. He’s not a
Leonard “Let’s Get Lit” Little-type “tweener” who excelled at the
collegiate and pro level. However, like Leonard “Let’s get Lit,”
Bunkley is a head case with a petty rap sheet and a reputation as a
lazy shit. Way to go Philly, go ahead and pick a guy without a position
in the pros who also got busted for stealing a fucking video game from
Wal-Mart.

15. St. Louis Rams

Tye Hill – CB – Clemson

You assholes traded down for this guy? This is just one more reason
why Charley Armey (Dick Armey’s asshole brother,) Jay Zygmut, John Shaw
and Georgia Frontiere should be shot and strung up by their heels
outside of the Los Angeles City Hall like Benito Mussolini in Milan.
Make no mistake; this kid is a fucking player. He is maybe the fastest
player in the draft with a 4.36 in the 40, has a 39-inch vertical and
can make plays on the ball. The little SOB was third in the nation in
passes broken up. The bastard can fucking move, he’s aggressive and
he’s a competitor. At a position where instincts and athletic ability
are everything, this kid has the tools to excel. However, he is 5’9′
and has only been playing the position for three years. It’s hard not
to like what the kid can bring to the table in terms of ability and
energy, but the reality is that with Cutler on the board and Bulger on
the mend, this guy better be the second coming of Deion Sanders, or at
least Todd Lyght, for this pick to make any sense. I’m furious at the
Rams for letting Cutler slip by, but if this kid plays shutdown corner,
takes away a side of the field and I never hear his name during a
broadcast because no one is throwing his way, then I’ll shut my mouth.

16. Miami Dolphins

Jason Allen – S – Tennessee

I am a huge fan of Lou Saban, but this pick is moronic. “Hey, we
have problems at the safety position, let’s pick a guy with a history
of injury problems and no durability whatsoever.” The Dolphins medical
staff better be ready to put this kid back together every week, because
even though he is fantastic in run support and can hit like an RPG,
he’s coming off a dislocated hip and has not spent an entire season
healthy in his college career. He is also slow as fuck, so playing
corner is out of the question. He will more than likely go to free
safety to save wear-and-tear, but Saban will be calling Allen “Humpty
Dumpty” by the end of the year with all the injuries he accrues.

17. Minnesota Vikings

Chad Greenway – OLB – Iowa

The Bi-queens got their man. Give the new regime under Ziggy a
round of applause for picking a guy who benched among the fewest reps
(16 at 225 lbs.) at the scouting combine among guys at his position.
Look, I think the combine is a crock of shit and some of the physical
tests are lame, but even that number makes me wonder what the Bi-queens
are thinking. Oh wait, I know what they are thinking, “he’ll look jutht
fabulouth in purple.” Adding this pussy to the linebacking corps is a
big mistake. He plays with his feet too close together (for fear of
someone seeing his vagina) and he is horrible at shedding blockers
(because he likes to hug sweaty men) at the point of attack. He has
great sideline to sideline speed, but so did another “stud” by the name
of Brian Bosworth. Congratulations Minnesota, you just got a guy who
will be spending more time pulling a left tackle’s cock out of his ass
then tackling tailbacks. Well, unless the “tailback” is winking at him
and inviting him over for a shower.

18. Dallas Cowboys

Bobby Carpenter – OLB – Ohio State

This is the guy the Bi-queens should have taken. Carpenter may play
a little too tall when he makes tackles, but you can bet your home that
Bill Parcells will make sure this kid gets his ass down and his
shoulders into ball carriers on a regular basis. Plug this kid in on
the edge of Parcell’s 3-4 and watch him wreak havoc by about mid-season
as he uses his speed and quickness to get by lesser offensive tackles.
The thing this kid really has going for him is recognition in his
pre-snap reads and the ability to adjust within a given scheme. He’s
got great football smarts and if Parcell’s can’t mold him into
something special, no one can. Watch him rip off Tiki Barber’s head
sometime around week 13.

19. San Diego Chargers

Antonio Cromartie – CB – Florida State

What the fuck is it with Seminoles in the first round? Even when
Bobby Bowden has a shit year, his kids fly off the board. Anyways, this
kid is not so much of a reach because he’s being drafted because of his
raw athletic ability. Six-feet-two-inches, long-limbed, incredibly fast
and able to physical push receivers around, Cromartie’s biggest
detriment is his abnormal stupidity. He simply refuses to pay attention
to the quarterback and has for-shit technique. Maybe Marty
Shittenheimer will light a fire under the kid and teach him to keep his
center of gravity low, paying attention the quarterback’s eyes in zone
coverage and finding the ball after being turned around, but I doubt
it. In no time he’ll revert to what he learned for four years under
Bowden, “I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

20. Kansas City Chiefs

Tamba Hall – DE – Penn State

He’s better than Mario Williams. Why? He played for Joe Pa. That
man churns out quality defensive players like you and I drop turds in
the morning: with regularity. Bank it.

21. New England Patriots

Laurence Maroney – RB – Minnesota

This is why the Patriots are a dynasty in the age of free agency.
While everyone else is making picks based on “upside” or “potential,”
the Patriots address real needs for the future and attack their
weaknesses. Ink it in, this is Corey Dillon’s last year in New England
and this kid is the reason why. Not only that, Maroney’s weaknesses –
lack of bulk, mediocre pass catching ability and below average at
picking up the blitz – will be worked on this year as he is groomed to
replace Dillon while getting some carries to spell Dillon on long
drives. Maroney hits holes fast and decisively. He is great in the open
field and able to find creases in the defense. After Dillon is gone,
count on Maroney for 1,500-yards and another division title for the
Pats.

22. San Francisco 49er’s

Manny Lawson – DE – NC State

Watch this, Lawson will be better than that sack of shit he played
opposite of who ended up at the top of the draft (Mario “Can’t Miss”
Williams.) Lawson is undersized, but he plays with a motor, works his
ass off and is explosive off the line of scrimmage. Watch him draw
double-teams a lot. He’s got Leonard “Let’s Get Lit” type ability
without all the headaches. Credit Mike Nolan for getting two excellent
players in the first round to continue building around. Picks like this
build potential dynasties. I could be wrong, but this kid has one thing
going for him that that butt pirate Mario does not, a work ethic.

23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Davin Joseph – OG – Oklahoma

One word: Stud. Jon Gruden is going to love this kid. He works his
ass off, keeps his mouth shut and was one of the best offensive linemen
in all of college football. This kid has excellent technique and will
prove to be a better lineman than the glamour bitch Ferguson.

24. Cincinnati Bengals

Jonathan Joseph – CB – South Carolina

Man, Marvin Lewis knows what the fuck he’s doing because this is
the DB that the Dolphins should have taken. Even though he played only
one season as a starter at the division one level, this guy destroyed
receivers in the pass-happy SEC. Credit Lewis with another big fucking,
badass pick.

25. Pittsburgh Steelers

Santonio Holmes – WR – Ohio State

The Steelers make this shit look too easy. They lose Plaxico
Burress one year and Antwaan Randle El the next and go out and get guys
like this. Take this into consideration, playing for the
run-first-throw-passes-never Buckeyes, Holmes scored 11 TD’s. Playing
opposite Hines Ward, the kid will absorb the offense like a sponge.
Wide receiver is the third most difficult position to learn in the NFL
(after quarterback and center,) but trust me, this kid will have it
aced in two years.

26. Buffalo Bills

John McCargo – DT – NC State

He will make Marv Levy look like a genius for taking him and will
be the second guy from the same line that Mario Williams played on to
make him look like a lazy bitch by comparison.

27. Carolina Panthers

D’Angelo Williams – RB – Memphis

Guess who ran for 1,959 yards? Guess who scored 18 touchdowns?
Guess who is going to buttfuck teams in the NFC South for the next six
years, barring injury?

28. Jacksonville Jaguars

Marcedes Lewis – TE – UCLA

If Byron Leftwich is able to walk and run, pencil in Lewis for 55 catches, 650 yards and 6 TD’s.

29. New York Jets

Nick Mangold – C – Ohio State

This is the guy the Jets can plug in for the next eight years. This
pick would have gone nicely with Leinart at number four, but that would
have broken the Jets’ habit of thoroughly fucking up the draft.

30. Indianapolis Colts

Joseph Addai – RB – LSU

With LenDale White still on the board, the Dolts chose this loser.
By the way, he was the team’s SECOND leading rusher for a reason:
Someone else on the team was better than him. He is a pure workout
freak and that is what makes the scouts drool. That great 40-time sure
looks pretty, but he does not have the pure football speed or ability
to shed tacklers that a guy like White has. Nor does he have the bulk
to replace a guy like Edge. Well, that’s not fair because Edge is
special, but please, this guy was second on the depth chart to Alley
Broussard. It’s as if the Dolts completely forgot about what they saw
on film with Addai: An elusive runner who gets run over in pass
protection and has yet to show any consistency when given the chance to
start. All White consistently did was batter opposing defenses into
submission and score touchdowns. Maybe Tiny Dingy and his staff are
relying on the power of prayer in the running game.

31. Seattle Seahwaks

Kelly Jennings – CB – Miami

All coverage, no tackle. No worries since the Seahawks have a big
fucking Samoan at strong safety already in place to do the
intimidating.

32. New York Giants

Mathias Kiwanuka – DE – Boston College

Let him learn the trade from Strahan because the kid has for shit
technique, is unable to shed blockers and thinks running up field is a
great way to, well, run past the quarterback and help the offensive
tackle out in pass protection.

Conclusion

Every year this shit happens and fans get hoodwinked into thinking
that things are going to be better because their GM and owner pose for
photos at the podium with some meathead holding up a team jersey. More
often than not, said meathead ends up a washout and a failure.

In reality, the real players are found between the second and sixth
rounds of the draft. The first round is a fucking farce and the NFL
knows it. They just can’t help themselves. This year is a perfect
example. Press coverage in the weeks leading up to the draft was thick
with speculation on the first pick, which was actually pretty fun to
watch. After that, it’s time to drink yourself into a coma because it
is almost a given that your team will fuck up.

Drink up, shoot up and blow the top of your skulls off now Detroit
Lions, New York Jets, Minnesota Bi-queens, Buffalo Bills and Oakland
Raiders fans, because you just got fucked by the First Round of the NFL
Draft.