1.) STEELERS: You like rape without real consequences? You like football? This is your team! Their defense gives more concussions than a redneck’s 4-wheeler. Mendenhall and Mike Wallace are future superstars in this league. They’re also disciplined and well-coached by the black guy from House. No one on the team stepped up to defend their rapist QB after he got bitchslapped, but it’s okay, they’re one big happy family!
2.) PATRIOTS: This team is like a jigsaw puzzle where all the pieces are squares, and the puzzle is of a big blank sheet of paper. You can just put any piece anywhere and it works. Deion Branch fills in for Randy Moss, no prob. Tom Brady gets hurt a few years back and Matt Cassell wins like 11 games. A few weeks ago a 5 and a half foot white dude (Danny Woodhead) got over 100 yards playing all the positions. Reminds me of that time I created myself as a character on Techmo Super Bowl. I bet Danny did that shit in the mid 90’s and somehow got infused with the game and crossed through the space time continuum. I’m guessing if you shot him with a crossbow, he would turn into a ball of electricity and disappear back to a time when Tupac was alive and everybody had a beeper. [Disclaimer: If Danny Woodhead is shot with a crossbow, I was only making an internet joke]
3.) SAINTS: The best fucking team ever in the history of the NFL. Yeah, motherfuckers talking about superbowl hangover and playing down to our competition, whatever bitches. I still think we’re gonna facefuck the NFC come December. I’m not even going to pretend to be objective here. The only reason I didn’t rank us number one is that we are too much like Stephen Hawking: we are constantly dumbing it down and we can’t kick. We will fix those things by season’s end, trust me.
4.) JETS: The coach is fat and likes to curse, just in case nobody knew that yet. Anyway, until Sanchez grows a thin mustache to honor his surname, I just don’t believe in him. You can clearly tell he has the ability to grow decent facial hair, but elects against it, which is a crime. And LT is looking like Campbell Soup Commercial LT! Let’s just see if Sanchez can “manage” playoff games against B-more and Pitts in the postseason.
5.) EAGLES: People say if you have two quarterbacks, you don’t have any. That’s bullshit. Having two QB’s is like being born with two dicks: it’s unorthodox, fascinating, and usually seems funner than it is; however, I feel like the situation in Philly is like Tori Lane in a DP flick: primed for a two dick situation. The Eagles DP their way to win the division!
6.) RAVENS: Solid team from top to bottom, but the Defense is a little old, the QB a little young, and no way they get a first round bye, which means they’ll be playing an extra game come playoff time, which sucks for old teams. Ray Lewis’ deodorant commercials are on par with Method Man’s, so they have that going for them.
7.) COLTS: Peyton and his mongoloid forehead terrorize the shit out of teams. My theory is that he was born with two brains, one stacked on top the other. The upper brain reads the defense and the lower brain concentrates on mechanics. It’s like Master Blaster from Thunderdome, inside his own fucking head! That’s crazy! And somebody tell me why Austin Collie wears a wave cap under his helmet? That’s like Seabiscuit buying a mountain bike. What’s he doing, waving up his Mormon locks of hair so he can hit the club later with Santonio Holmes? Fuckoutahere! That’s why Joseph Smith smote him via concussion, for being a douchebag.
8.) PACKERS: Some of their fans wear giant blocks of cheese on their heads, as if it’s a big ol Nordic Sombrero. Can you seriously see some guy in a green jersey with a giant piece of cheese on his head strutting into some night club and just tearing up the pussy? No, I can’t either. Those fans seem like simple, booger-eating, hot-farting, snow-dwelling folk, and as nice as they might be, they don’t have what it takes stand out on a national level, just like their team.
9.) FALCONS: Leave it to the blackest city in the US to play the most vanilla. What a bunch of dorks. I guess they’re good. I hate to say that. Don’t get me wrong, they don’t blow you away, but they don’t exactly make mistakes either. What a boringly good team. These guys are the San Antonio Spurs of the league. I hate this stupid team. They are not a contender, trust me! Roddy White is the only guy who can be fun to watch. Tony Gonzales is just a washed up route-runner. Turner is an overachieving fat wuss. Matt Ryan is a gay nerd. That is all.
10.) TITANS: Chris Johnson and that defensive front line are legit. That could get them a win first round of the playoffs. However, this team isn’t built to play from behind, oh wait… they just picked up Randy Moss. And I was just thinking Kenny Britt needed a positive new role model. Their real weakness is quarterback. Vince went psycho, again, and this week they start a guy named Rusty Smith, which sounds like the kind of name you give at the free clinic. Is this even a real dude? Maybe it’s really Jeff George with botox?
11.) DOLPHINS: Yeah, they have some losses, but they lost to the Jets, Steelers, Ravens, Pats, and Bears (yes the Bears are good, trust me). Also, they are great on the road. They’re scrappy, talented, and pretty well coached. And props to them for turning a gimmick (The Wildcat) into a viable offensive weapon. Pennington tried to start a game, and then got hurt quicker than Michael Cera in the Kumate. Henne is hurt too. The fate of this team rests in the capable hands of Tyler Thigpen. I still have a good feeling about them, but maybe it’s because I really like dolphins.
12.) CHIEFS: They’re a landlocked, Midwestern mirror image of the Dolphins, except a little younger. They have a weak-armed, mediocre quarterback, two good running backs and one decent receiver. They get by with being crafty, focused, and lucky. However, they get the luxury of playing in the AFC west, which is about as competitive as co-ed intramural softball.
13.) BEARS: Call me crazy, I believe in Cutler! Sure he gets sacked more than a (I know there is a ball sack metaphor here but I just can’t think of it) and his favorite receiver is DeAngelo Hall, but he’s got something unique in an NFL quarterback: Diabetes…and a short memory. For being a whinny arrogant prick, he’s fucking tough. Plus, he has the arm of Kenny Powers, the fuck-yall swagger of Joran Vandersloot, and the bravery of General Custer! 10-6, just watch!
14.) GIANTS: I’m just not really a believer. Their secondary is nowhere as good as people think. The D-line just bails them out by getting an awesome pass rush. Once some of them wear down or get injured late in the season, which always happens, teams will pass all over them. Plus Eli is still Fredo. He had his lucky day in the sun a few years ago. Bradshaw fumbles too much, Brandon Jacobs is actually borderline retarded (seriously he went to school up the bayou from me and took all his classes in the modular buildings in back of the real school and got to go home like two hours early) and Eli is always capable of Farve-level decision making in crucial games.
15.) RAIDERS: Darren McFadden is who we thought he was…when he played at Arkansas. Campbell/Gradkoski makes a pretty decent two-dick system too at times. Nine wins! Plus, I like how Al Davis dresses like Kim Jong Il. Best Korea takes second place in the AFC West!
16.) BUCS: With no running game, an inexperienced coach/QB, and no real talent on defense, they managed to win some games. I have no idea what’s going on, but I think this whole team is a sham. I’m sorry LaGarett Blount, but the NFL isn’t one of those youtube videos of Chinese congress, you can’t punch your way to victory here. Also, can we please stop calling him Cadillac. It’s Pontiac now, I think he’s earned it.
17.) TEXANS: What a bunch of goldbricking phonies! Opened up the season by taking a huge dump all over Peyton Manning’s squad. Then, they got exposed for the over-rated, non-defending Jabronis that they really are. Seriously, you know how in the stands at every game there is one chronic masturbater holding up a sign that says “D” and his fart smelling buddy is on side of him holding up a cardboard fence, well, the Texans secondary should take those signs onto the field with them and break into a Bollywood dance number in the hopes of distracting opposing quarterbacks. That would be more affective than whatever they’re doing now. Also, Schaub is finally playing like Vick’s backup. It’s about time.
18.) CHARGERS Leave it to the bolts to put the “special” in special teams. It’s like they put a helmet on a pot roast and told it to return a punt. Seriously, those guys are so retarded the mascot for the special teams should be Norv Turner’s hair. Also, Philip Rivers has the most punchable face I’ve ever seen. It’s like Nancy Grace and Jay Cutler had a baby. Gates is the only consummate professional amongst the whole lot, and you can tell in interviews he’s ashamed to be playing with them. He speaks with the detached embarrassment of Justin Timberlake in those old NSYNC interviews.
19.) REDSKINS: If this power rankings were about offensive nicknames, they’d be number one, with the Browns and Packers tied for second. Sure the latter two are about dogs and cheese somehow, but everybody really just thinks of Mexicans and gays. McNabb deserves better than these guys. Can’t believe Shanny pulled Donovan for Grossman the other week. If there is trouble with the offense, it’s probably because of the no names they have playing the skill positions. The depth chart at WR and RB reads like a playbill for a community theater production of some Tyler Perry adaptation.
20.) RAMS: It’s cool because Sam Bradford looks like the guy from Burn Notice, which made them jump a few spots in my rankings. I’m just glad Rush Limbaugh wasn’t allowed to buy this team. If he would have, the 2012 roster would look like this: Sam Bradford, Peyton Hillis, Toby Gehart, Wes Welker, Austin Collie, and he would have even talked Jason Sehorn out of retirement. Arian Foster would probably even be on the team, only because of his name though. Announcers would constantly be talking about how they have great “character” and “good work ethic, ” which we all know are just euphemisms for “slow” and “clumsy.” However, the coolest part would be all the botched high fives and Linkin Park music in the locker room.
21.) BRONCOS: The Sacramento Kings of the Divac/B Jackson/White Chocolate era. Orton is Divac (same neck breard) B Jackson is B Lloyd (overachieving breakout in mid career) and White Chocolate is Tim Tebow (running qb and super religious…that’s a black man’s game). They’ll be fun to watch, but they’ll never be taken seriously…just like women’s tennis.
22.) BROWNS: Art Modell tried to wipe this miserable shit-stained franchise out of existence, but like Steven Segal, it just won’t die, no matter how laughable or embarrassing things become. It’s turned into a freak show of trick plays and dumb luck of late, but this serendipitous twist of fate is doomed to end as abruptly as Derek Anderson’s bout with competency did. Ben Watson is their leading reciever, and if he would have stayed with New England, he would be their third string TE.
23.) JAGUARS: If the fans won’t pay to watch this group, then I’m not going to use the brain power thinking of jokes about them. Every win they’ve had they didn’t deserve, except for the Dallas spanking.
24.) BENGALS: Aw man, such high hopes for these guys, and they screwed it all up. It’s basically Carson’s fault. And Marvin’s too. And as for the WR divas, T.O. is having the better football year, but Chad’s reality show was more entertaining.
25.) VIKINGS: When I heard about Farve cheating on Deeana, I thought about how disappointed she must have been, but when I saw his weener pic on the internet, I figured she must be used to disappointment, so it’s not that big a deal. I’m pretty sure this thing will just blow over in the Farve household and he’ll be right back to his old self, throwing stupid pics and pretending to be hurt all the time. It’s funny, I think I’m the only guy who likes Brad Childress. Moss was a jerk, Farve is a sack of shit, and nobody on the team plays with a set of brass ones. I’d hate to coach this group. I’d start Tavaris next game, give AD 35 touches, run at least 4 reverses with Harvin, throw 2 bombs to Rice or Berrian, and pepper Visanthe with at least 8 targets. No way they lose playing like that.
26.) 49ERS: Steve Young isn’t walking through that door. The best yall can do is draft another left handed Mormon quarterback and pray to Pioneer Jesus for some luck. Even though you guys are way better and more talented than the juggernaut that is the St. Louis Rams, yall won’t catch them. Maybe when you play Arizona at the bottom of that shit-hole that is the NFC west, the football Gods will be so offended that lightning bolts will descend upon Frisco, destroying this present day Gomorrah. Problem is all the Evangelicals will think it was because of all the gays.
27.) LIONS: Take away Calvin Johnson and the offense isn’t 90 percent as affective. These fakes are one player away from being the Seattle Seahawks. Matthew Stafford has a a big ol down syndrome face. Nobody’s knocking down that tree for endorsements except for maybe companies who sell electric dog collars and jogging pants.
28.) SEAHAWKS: Ever since the Refs fucked them out of the Super Bowl a few years ago, they haven’t been the same…It’s like the whole franchise got AIDS, sometimes they have good days, and sometimes they have bad days, but they’ll always be sick.
29.) CARDINALS: I’m running out of shitty metaphors for shitty things by now. The best I can muster by now is actual shit itself, not like the loose machine-gun dead body smelling shit that flies out your burning asshole in some truck stop diner after eating rancid hamburger meat (that’s the Panthers) but I’m talking about long, hard thickly packed 9 inch coiled turds that look poised to strike, like a mean water snake with corn for scales. That’s the Cards.
30.) PANTHERS: (See above description)
31.) BILLS: You know, I never understood cults, not til I understood the Bills. There were some people so desperate for joy they thought CJ Spiller was the answer. These are the kinds of people who thought David Koresh was Jesus. I think desperation and sadness breeds a kind of hopelessness so deep that reality takes on dark, vague forms. Basically, Bills season ticket holders are the Branch Dividians of the NFL. Dying in a flaming compound fire would truly be an act of a merciful God.
32.) COWBOYS: Wow, it’s like the abortion train ran into the nuclear power plant and tumbled down Broken Glass mountain into a waste-water treatment pond. Never has something so ugly been so fun to watch, not even in an ironic hipster way…more like an America’s funniest videos way. You could tape cowboy Games then dub over the sound with Benny Hill music and sell the DVD’s on late night infomercials. I’m just glad they finally put Wade Phillips out of his misery; he’s not a football coach, never was. Wade is the kind of gent who tucks his Guy Harvey fishing shirt into the elastic waistband of his khacki shorts, eats at Cracker Barrell four times a week, and collects model airplanes. And now we finally get to see the first Ginger head coach ever! This is a proud day for everybody with back freckles and scorched pubes everywhere!