A SERBIAN FILM

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Awww, Serbia, the West Virginia of Europe. When you name a film something like this, it’s implied that the movie will be a story of not just a man, but of a country. A nation. A people. As ambitious as the title is, it certainly lives up to it. After viewing, you won’t be able to look at Serbia the same. Even Vlade Divac will be ruined for you, forever.

The main guy is named Milos, and he’s an ex porn star with the wiener of a god and the body of a fry cook. He’s like the Michael Jordan of Serbian porn, which I guess is like being the Babe Ruth of wiffleball. He lives happily retired with his wife and son and doesn’t miss banging super-hot Euro chicks one bit (we automatically relate to him, sike). His son stumbles upon one of his Dad’s old porno tapes and puts it in the VCR. The little tyke looks on in confused amazement, like a Somalian visiting a Petsmart for the first time.

Naturally, the kid has questions. “I could feel something spinning, down in my willie, like a family of them…several of them, like a family traveling….do they live in me?” His Mom replies that they live in us all, and it’s natural. Later in the movie, he asks his Dad how to get a boner by only using his mind. Ahh, the old Jedi boner trick! His dad bestows ancient Serbian dick-secrets to him. Now this isn’t fair! That kid should grow up like the rest of us: watching scrambled porn, fucking couch cushions, and being sexually curious and lost all at the same time, but this little shit gets the keys to the kingdom before most of us knew that the human dickhole didn’t just shoot pee. However, if you’re jealous of him, don’t be. He gets raped later.

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If that made you cringe, just stop reading right here. It’s gonna get a whole lot worse. Apparently, “something huge is about to happen. Artistic pornography, right here in Serbia,” says this hot porn star chick, while trying to convince Milos to do one last movie. So we are to believe that Serbia is on the cutting edge of a porn revolution. Let me just pause right here to say that I’ve seen some Serbian fuck movies. If it turns out that everyone likes watching porn filmed on shitty hand held cams of dudes who stick their boner through the hole in their tighty whiteys and do way too much missionary to chicks who look like gas station clerks, then this is your genre. Otherwise, I doubt Serbia will ever be the epicenter of a great porno renaissance. The leader of this supposed revolution is named Vukmir, and he convinces Milos in Brett Farve fashion, to un-retire and come back for one last hurrah. All you need know about Vukmir is that he believes his porn is “not pornography but a life of a victim…love, art, blood, flesh and soul of a victim transmitted live to the world who has lost all that and now is paying to watch that from the comfort of the armchair …we are a victim Milos, you me, this whole fucking country.” Wow, real subtle metaphor. I guess Serbs really are stupid and you have to spoon-feed the symbolism this blatantly.

Milos’ first scene is him getting a beej from a hot chick, but he’s forced to watch TV of a little girl licking a Popsicle. That’s like boner material vs. anti-boner material right there. It bothers Milos a little, but he’s able to fire off a load of his Serbian seed anyway. It connects the viewer with the film because we’re sort of placed in Milos’ shoes. Hot chick giving head….ok, we’re slightly aroused. Then a teenager on TV licking a Popsicle behind him, and we’re like, no this is wrong. We’re torn, but in the struggle, we feel that little traveling family that’s in all of us.

The movie should have ended there. The next scene he shoots starts with a blowjob again, but this time, the little teenager is actually in the room watching. She’s dressed like a pioneer woman, politely sitting in a chair, and watching the whole thing behind a creepy, smooth-faced grin. She’s basically every red-blooded Mormon’s wet dream, but Milos has ethics, and he won’t stand for this. He tries to resist, but these Blackwater type security dudes put him in a choke hold, and the chick gives piss-poor sucky with more teeth than a high-school blow job. Milos is forced to endure it, and endure it he does, as it ends with him shooting a triple roper all over the skank’s bruised mug.

That’s Milos’ breaking point. He wants no more of these sick fucks; he tries to quit. Vukmir attempts to persuade Milos to stay, by showing him his best porn yet. He hits the lights, lowers the blinds, and presses play. The scene opens with a chick giving birth, they show the bloody vagina lips pried open by some hairy Eastern European baby. The doctor who delivers the kid holds it up to the heavens like Simba, slaps it on the ass, and smiles. All is well before he proceeds to pull down his pants and plays the classic dick-n-a-box joke, but with the baby playing the part of the box. The baby is fucked until it’s deader than Jon Benet Ramsy. Meanwhile, the mother smiles along to the screaming pains of man-dick in her minute-old baby. I know this is like a metaphor for Serbia or something, but it’s just gross. If you’re gonna fuck a baby, at least do it in a cartoon or something, this was just too real. Vukmir explains that this is his greatest masterpiece. He calls it, “Newborn Porn!” Catchy, I’ll give him that, but besides himself and Nancy Grace, nobody will want to watch it. Congrats fucktard, you just made the Battlefield Earth of porno.

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After watching a baby get topped off with thick Bulkan jizz, Milos, in true Brett Farve style, re-retires, but he’s then kidnapped and injected with a drug that is basically Viagra for bulls. He pops a giant, mega boner, foams at the mouth, and then is placed in a room with a woman who is chained faced down to a bed. He jumps on her faster than Plaxico Burress would right about now. He’s hitting that shit from the back in a testosterone-filled rage. He’s handed a machete and proceeds to chop off her head, mid fuck. He keeps thrusting on her, even after her body goes limp and head separated. I would have been disgusted, but I’d just seen a baby raped minutes earlier, so this really wasn’t a big deal.

News flash to all you up and coming Serbian porno directors: if you’re going to rape a baby, you save it for last. Anything following will seem about as irritatingly bland as a stale airplane fart.

Basic diabolical sex acts unfurl for the rest of the movie. We’ve got incest, buttsex, rape, mouth rape, necrophilia, blood, seaman, guts, guns, and gayness. It’s hard to quantify the genuine tasteless insanity of a film like this, so I won’t even try. Maybe the film is a vehicle for simple shock and awe? Perhaps it’s the metaphorical manifestation of the collected conscience of the Serbian ethos? It’s hard to ponder questions like this in the midst of guilty boners and general disgust. In fact, the film acts as a mirror, as the viewer can learn a lot about himself by how many boners he achieved while watching this film.

For this, I’ve invented the Ron Mexico Boner Scale

0-2: What are you, a robot?

3-5: Well adjusted adult

6-9: Don’t act on your impulses and you can still live a normal life

10-13: Therapy

14-17: Should not be allowed around people

18-25: Castration

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Novelty Death:

There is this chick who’s being a total hipster douchbaggette and questioning the artistic integrity of Vukmir, so they pull out her teeth, shove a penis in her mouth, and pinch her nose, suffocating her to death. Super creative! I would have never thought of that….probably because I’m not a fucking psycho.

Honorable Mention:

We’re treated to an actual Skull Fucking (great camera work and acting, but conceptually unoriginal)

Novelty Jerk Off:

Milos’ brother’s vigorous mid-day bathroom flogging was hands down one of the best I’ve seen. Like a true narcissist, he scowls into the bathroom mirror like a grizzly eyeing his reflection. Best part, he had a little Barry Bonds crucifix earring that swung too and fro between strokes, like a chandelier on the titanic. Maybe that was a metaphor for Jesus or something or Baseball’s steroid era, who knows.

Product Placement:

Sony Sony Sony! Apparently rapist, pedophile, murdering pornographers use Sony, as there are multiple close ups of the brand name everywhere. Maybe Toshiba paid for that? It would be the first time a company forked over cash to have a competitor’s product used in a film.

Overall, I’d say the movie was powerful, but so is diarrhea, so that’s not always a good thing. It’s actually well acted, well directed, and has that foreign film feel. But it was hard to watch. Harder than Season 6 of “Scrubs.” But behind the gross shit, there were parts that made you get a little introspective: when Milos was hopped up on bull Viagra fucking everything in site, he had this look in his eye, that same look we all have while there are seven porno windows open at once, that same look we have while driving at three in the morning to bone some fat chick who lives four towns away. We are reminded that we are not ourselves when horny, slaves to the little families traveling around in our ballsacks. We’re animals, and the making of this movie proves this as much as it’s content. This film is so offensive that Serbia can now boast, “Slobodan Milosevic: not even the worst thing we’ve created.” Did I mention I watched this movie on Christmas day. Merry Christmas baby Jesus!

About L. Ron Mexico

Ron is a member of Team Ruthless and also runs a satirical website called thepushpole.com You can follow him on twitter here:

@LRonMexico