How Mike Got It Down To Just 10
We Will Never Know
Abbath rivals Satyricon for #1 most ridiculous BM pic!
Just when you thought the black metal pics couldn’t get more ridiculous, Abbath unzipps his fucking pants! Holy Mother of God this is horrible! Apparently he did the entire photo shoot with his fucking fly down. He’s covering his crotch in the number 2 picture, but here, in all of his unholy glory, Abbath bares it all for the fans. Seriously, he may as well have done the picture nude. I just don’t get it. I mean, the axe is bad enough, but this just flat out destroys the attempt to be evil. I think this might be the first instance where a black metal icon has posed in a provocative, sexually inviting manner. Abbath, dude, you’re not gonna get the ladies with this one!
IT (Abruptum/Ophthalamia) in one of his Via Dolorosa-era photos cleans up in the #10 slot. Does Sweden have Indians? He looks like a fuckin’ black metal Comanche! Or better yet, John Rambo. After all, he’s in a cave with a large hunting knife, but by the way that thing is glowing, you’d think Orcs were near. Go black metal Frodo, go!
Fenriz (Darkthrone) is probably the most dramatic of all black metal-ers. In almost every choreographed photo, he’s either kneeling in the woods, got his arms outstretched, or is looking into the sky, no doubt cursing Jesus for not giving him enough money to record a decent album.
Wait, are those suspenders? Oh, fuck, you gotta be kidding me. And he’s got his hair in a ponytail. Not only that, but I believe he’s carrying a scyth. He’s a fucking black metal farmer! Jesus Christ this picture is gay. What’s up with the hooded avenger in the back? And who is that goliath motherfucker? Holy shit that guy is huge! Don’t fuck with Gorgoroth man!
Old Man’s Child
Damn right these guys look old. They’re all fucking bald! Did Crowbar turn into a black metal band when I wasn’t looking? Apparently baldness has found a niche in the black metal scene. It’s ok to be bald if you’re in a black metal band because being bald evidently means you are evil. And don’t wear your own band’s t-shirt to the fucking photo shoot dude, that’s just a metal fopaux.
Don’t get me wrong, Dark Funeral is the shit. But this photo is not. Actually, I should say they were the shit until David Parland took off. Anyway, Lord Ahriman is fucking fat. Notice his belly hanging out from under the leather daddy vest. His generic, upsidedown cross-shin guards are pretty fucking absurd too. What’s up with the bondage theme anyway? How about those chains on the ground? It’s obvious that the band is going to tie up and fuck the guy on the left. He’s already waiting with his hand on his crotch. Hell, maybe this should have been number five.
The bald guy makes this picture #5, hands down. This is some serioulsy shoddy corpse-paint on everybody, especially for a photo shoot. Look at the bald guy. Just look at him! Is that supposed to be intimidating? He looks like a fucking alien! As with Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir’s pics have gotten more ridiculous with time, i.e., the presence of top- hats, vampire teeth, capes, etc. Terrible!
Dani from Cradle of Filth comes in 4th only because he is so incredibly gay. First of all, there is no black metal band that has sold out quite like Cradle of Filth. Secondly, there is no other black metal band that loves to have pictures taken of them as much as Cradle of Filth. And lastly, Dani always has to be doing something stupid and/or gay in virtually all of the band photos. Why? Well, he’s obviously watched Interview With a Vampire one too many times. The theatrics just need to stop. This is one of his few un-photoshopped pics. STOP IT! Also, Cradle of Filth is from Helsinki, Sweden.
What exactly is going on here? Is this the new WWF tag-team? Demonaz looks like he’s ready to swan-dive off the turnbuckle. And what is that leather guard holding his gut in? He’s been drinking too much Smirnoff Ice (That’s what they drink backstage by the way). Abbath looks like he just saw the fucking boogey man and doesnt know whether to run or stay and shit his pants.
Immortal take the number two spot with this pic, and for good reason. LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING SHIN GUARDS! Since when did Satan have his own ice hockey team? Horgh wins #2 for the evil goalie look. But that’s not all. What about Abbath’s weapon!? What the fuck is that? It looks more like the Bat Signal than an axe. I just don’t know what to think actually. Last, but not least, is Iscariah. The leather pants. The chainmail. The belt that turns said chainmail into a skirt. Ask Jonny, but I think Bennett developed that look in Commando. The only reason why this photo didn’t make #1 is because of the lack of taxidermy.
Satyricon (Nemesis Devina)
This is the most ridiculous black metal pic for three reasons. One, the stuffed eagle. C’mon guys, you’re not fooling anyone. Two, Nocturno Culto, who is notorious for taking tacky black metal pics. And three, for Frost’s homemade arm bands complete with 10″ carpentry nails. Seriously, it looks like he punched a fucking porcupine to death. Not to mention his tight spandex pants. That’s not very black metal. Or maybe it is…