You know, Iíve heard of popular rappers spending obscene amounts of money on the most trivial, puerile, and preposterous of things– huge, cumbersome gold chains, platinum pot leaves, pimp suits, even 750,000 dollar ďHo-Bangin’Ē pendants–but none of these, and I mean none, compare to the personalized, diamond-encrusted chalice. The chalice alone propels Snoop Dogg into the number ten spot. Well, that, the tacky pot leaf Mardi Gras necklace, and the fucking anathema that was Soul Plane.


50 Cent

Why, oh, why must Fitty always be wearing a bullet proof vest in every picture he takes? I mean, we get it for crying out loud, you got shot. Hell, between the belt-buckle and that G-Unit pendant, you donít even need to wear the fucking vest! Holy shit, that thing is big enough to deflect my god damn RPG! Iíve been shot, with a pellet gun, and you donít see me cruising around in Kevlar, especially for magazine shoots. The good thing is that Fitty did bash the extremely hokey Ja Rule on his latest album, so that kept him out of the number eight slot. Oh, and look for Fittyís video game, Bulletproof later this year. Again, why? [Ed Note: And please do not forget Schultz’s unbelievably brilliant cover of Fitty’s P.I.M.P., the earth shattering P.O.P.E.



Sure, the picture ainít that ridiculous, but Mase holds down the #8 position for sheer, undeniable lack of ability. Quite frankly, I canít think of a more untalented and undeserving rapper alive. Mase has piggybacked the tired and broken shoulders of P-Diddy since day fucking one. Anyone whoís heard this guy attempt to rap knows that heís a joke. I can think of a hundred rappers who can run lyrical circles around this blustering buffoon, namely Guru of Gangstarr, a guy that can pull off the low-key monotone with style. Hell, I recorded better lyrics on my 1988 Panasonic flip-clock ghettoblaster when I was twelve years old and listening to Paid In Full. The aforementioned Shultz would smoke this guy like a bad tire.


Busta Rhymes

This could almost be a Black Metal diptych if Busta wasnít so–you know–black. Iím not sure which musical scene produces more overall ridiculousness, hip-hop or black metal? You be the judge. While Iím not sure what Busta is trying to accomplish in these pictures, he is looking a lot like Wilt Chamberlain’s depiction of Bombaata from Conan the Destroyer in that outfit. In the end, though, you gotta give props to Busta for his killer performance as the drug-addled, Uzi-wielding crackhead in Narc. Wait a minute… thatís not Busta? Oh yeah, this is…


Lilí Jon

Iím at a loss with this one. What in the holy mother of all hell is he holding? Lilí Jon has taken bad taste to a whole new level here. That is gallons beyond your average diamond- encrusted chalice–itís a fucking humungous, 32oz diamond-encrusted wine glass!!!! What is he, collecting tips in that fucking thing!? Can you imagine trying to swirl that much Cabernet? Lilí Jon is, well, a lilí guy, and I got 50 bucks says he would pass the fuck out before finishing half of that thing if it were filled with a decent wine. And whatís up with everyone being lilí these days? Asinine!


Jermaine Dupri

The self-described Ďworld-class ballerí is the second biggest hack on the list next to Ma$e. We have Jermaine Dupri to blame for committing such nauseating atrocities as Kriss Kross, Da Brat, and Lilí Bow Wow–among others. Where are the golf clubs, Jermaine? Because you look like some kind of fucking midget, caddy-clown if there ever was such a thing. Or worse, a fucking Oompa Loompa! Get back to stirring the chocolate, shorty!



And he must have been thinking that he looked good when he posed for this, right? Isnít everyone just fucking woefully tired of this guy yet? Tired of his unfunny, platitudinous, multi-millionaire antics? Tired of seeing him prance around on television like a slaphappy gimp? Tired of hearing about his Oedipal complex? Tired of hearing about his stale, co-dependent relationship and how much he loves his daughter? Good, because I sure the fuck am! We wish heíd make good on the above Houdini act and just fucking disappear. In the meantime, Iíve got some bad news. Yaíll better brace yourself for another barrage of buffoonery, because heís going on tour with Fitty this summer!!!! God help us all.


R. Kellyís Mugshot

The Michael Jackson of R&B. Sure, we all know heís not really a ďrapper,Ē but man is this picture funny. How exactly do you manage to get charged with 21 counts of child pornography? This guy has got more bootleg porn flicks on the market than Paris Hilton and Tommy Lee combined. Heís made more of a career out of booty slappiní underage girls than he has from singing about booty slappiní underage girls–undisclosed amount to Tracy Sampson, $250,000 to Tiffany Hawkins. Donít forget about Aaliyah and Patrice Jones. What the hell are we going to do with R. Kelly? I suggest a branks:




Iím not sure if thatís a gas mask or the bottom half of a motocross helmet? I guess paintballiní is about the only balliní DMX is doing these days. Like many washed up rappers, heís taken refuge in the warm, fostering embrace of Hollywood–an industry thatís been kick-starting paralyzed careers for decades. I donít think anyone on the list has been arrested more times than DMX. Charges include assault, driving with a suspended license, weapons possession, even triggering a three car collision involving police! He rivals the recently departed ‘Ole Dirty Bastard at any rate. The good thing is that he loves Ruthless Reviews:

Most y’all cats don’t know what ruthless means
Will you be able to survive the truth I’ve seen
Cats wouldnít be alive if you was on my team
But the truth is the ride is rough ya mean

Truer words have never been written.


Lilí Jon and Crew

OK, first things first. Who in the cockamamie fuck decided that it was a good idea to make a pair of jeans with 9mm pistols plastered all over them? Secondly, who the fuck would buy a pair of jeans with 9mm pistols on them? And lastly, who the fuck would wear a pair of jeans with 9mm pistols on them? Good Christ! Thatís just a hip-hop fashion catastrophe right there. Anyway, Lilí Jon is rockiní his own diamond-encrusted chalice which warrants consideration. But wait, whoís the white dude hiding in the back doing the sieg heil? No wonder why they all look so fucking confused. And isn’t that Donovan McNabb in orange? Finally, Ice Cube has really let himself go.

About Mike von Hobart

Mike has 4 skills in life- drinking, reviewing black metal, being unemployed, and general uselessness. He writes about 2 pieces a year, but they are invariably our most popular because our readership is comprised of 17 year-old Scandinavian virgins, by which we mean 28 year-old Scandinavian virgins. Check out his new book, Boring Story and Other Stories