So, my roommate bought a copy of Cosmo and I was reading it while trying to beat the heat (it is summer in LA, motherfucker) and like every other fucking issue I have ever read, included is one of their standard sex surveys. This month’s endless iteration is called “His Frisky Wish List Revealed.” I was bitching to my roommate about how stupid and flat-out wrong the entire survey is; from the questions themselves to the idiot answers the men give. So, my roommate says to me, “Why don’t you write something about it on your website?” I have decided to take her advice and let the ladies out there know what guys really want. If any of you men out there feel different, you are gay.
“Would you rather masturbate or get a hand job from your girlfriend?”
See, the whole premise of that question is wrong. It might be a legit question if it only asked, “masturbate or hand job.” The truth is that I would rather get a hand job from someone else’s girlfriend. Also goofy is that 80% of men answered that they would rather get a hand job from their girlfriend. See, I think gay men would answer in the eightieth percentile like that, but any straight man knows that women as a group DO NOT KNOW HOW TO GIVE HAND JOBS. That, or they purposely do a bad job. Seriously though, most guys I know jerk off two to four times a day. Some much more. So, over a ten year period that is 11,000 hand jobs they have given themselves. Girls just can’t compete with that. Now, women out there will argue that men don’t know how to give them hand jobs. Maybe, but most women either don’t masturbate anywhere near the level that men do, or they use a vibrator. And, I will admit that even I am no match for a vibrator.
“What’s your favorite body type:”
Another question with a flawed premise. Why do you have to have to have a favorite body type? This isn’t football, you don’t have to have a favorite team. Obviously this question has more to do with Cosmo’s line of “Women are naturally sexy how they are, we just put anorexic stick figures on every page because, uh, um, you know…” Personally, I like all types, and, at the end of the night when you are both drunk and horny, who cares? Also, all of the answers mention boobs. Most men I know are way, way more into a woman’s ass than they are her boobs. And that is right. Most evolutionary scientists agree that large breasts, or rather cleavage, evolved because that looks like the woman has a big ass from the front or the back.
“Do you prefer a girl with more or less sexual experience than you:”
Most guys answered “doesn’t matter,” and I sort of almost agree with that. Though, I think any man who is honest with himself will admit that more (the lowest answer on the survey) is actually better. Show me stuff. Make me do filthy shit I haven’t even thought of. Also, more experience means less inhibitions, which, when you get right down to it, is what sex should be all about. As a friend of mine in her forties told me, “Well, you’re totally right about wanting experienced women. If you wanna have great sex, sleep with a woman who’s at least 40. Younger women aren’t actually thinking about or enjoying sex. They’re thinking about romance, the anti-sex. They’re wondering if you’ll call them the next day. They’re saying stuff like ‘I wish this could last forever,’ which is about closeness but not sex. They’re worried about their relationship.” And as the Woody Allen said when asked if he thought sex was dirty, “If you’re doing it right.”
“The hottest role-playing fantasy:”
Anyone who’s been in a long term relationship knows the number one role-playing fantasy is, “I’m not sick to fucking tears of you.” The most popular answer given was, “The sexy school teacher,” which is weird when you consider how victimized teachers (and their terrorist unions!) are in the press. But really, sex, to a large degree is about victimization and humiliation. I mean, any woman who would sit in a room with me naked, is both a victim and, uh, humiliated. Also, role-playing is for nerds.
“Would you be turned on if you found out a girl you were dating had slept with another chick?”
The only honest question on the survey, and 68.2% of the guys got it right by answering yes. As for the other 31.8%, well, they’re gay. I mean, that’s like asking, “Would you be turned on if you found out a girl you were dating was sexy?” Stupid…
“Telling us the secret of giving a killer hand job:”
No, fuck you. Figure it out on your own. Actually, don’t bother. No matter what, you are not going to do it right. Suck it, fuck it and cook me something. OK, that sounds a little Neanderthal-ish. Suck it, fuck it and order some food; my wallet’s in my pants. Of course some of the guys do answer and they are full of shit. One guy mentions he likes it when women “gently” massage his balls. Gently? Gently? What the fuck is the word “gently” doing in a sex survey. To all women: DO NOT BE GENTLE, EVER! If you are gentle in bed then that is just one more thing you are doing to make your man leave you for another, sluttier chick. Besides your almost constant nagging. Yeah, you. Trust me.
“What’s the biggest mistake a woman can make while performing fellatio:”
Besides referring to cocksucking as “fellatio?” Well, the number one answer the guys give is “Not incorporating her hands.” See, again, if a man was sucking my cock, I would want him to incorporate his hands because men know what the fuck they are doing. Anyhow, the number one blow job mistake women make is using their hands. Ladies, suck it, the whole thing, just suck it. Stop all that fucking licking it and playing with the head and any other bullshit you find stinking up the pages of Cosmo. Swallow the damn cock. Eat every inch of it. If you can deep throat, men will like you more. Simple as that.
“How can she get you to last longer in the sack:”
By not having such a tight pussy is the obvious answer. However, I don’t like the question. It plays into the stereotype that men never last long enough. Bullshit. Most guys can last as long as they damn please. It is just that they are so bored with the woman they are with that they try to get the sex act over with as fast as possible so they can go watch Sports Center or World Poker Tour in peace. So, the answer is, if you want us to last longer, be interesting. Both in the sack and out. Also, it is the only thing Dr. Laura has ever said that I agree with; women, stop nagging men all the time. Just fucking stop it.
“How do you feel if she has to stimulate herself to have an orgasm:”
How do I feel? This is something I was going to discuss in the last question, but I honestly feel that most women don’t even know what their vagina is until they turn 30. Women who like and enjoy sex and know the first thing about their bodies have no problem achieving orgasm. Women who don’t, have problems. The last place answer for this question is the one I advocate, “Who cares as long as she gets off.” Which I would modify to, “Who cares?”
“What’s on your mind during sex:”
Another dumbass, loaded question. Look, honestly, sometimes I’m thinking about how I have to pay the power bill. The notion that the same one thing is always on your mind while you’re doing it is laughable. Questions like this spring from the mind of boring, uncreative writers. The question, “What’s the funniest or most fucked up thing you have ever thought about during sex?” is much more applicable and interesting. And I’ll tell; trying to think of an excuse to tell the girl that I don’t want to see her anymore.
“What position gives you the most pleasure:”
The number one answer is “Woman on top.” What? What? Who are these fucking liars that they got to fill this survey out? Look, ladies, if I am about to orgasm (and I don’t want to) I place the woman on top. Guys can’t really feel anything if you’re on top. Your pussy, pardon my French, is spread all the way open. Now I know that girls like this position, and so be it. But come on… Also, why isn’t “her head in the toilet” one of the answers? Or what about, “Woman on top and other woman on my face” or “Tied up and gagged while I check football scores?” Fucking Cosmo.
What can a woman do to make intercourse mind-blowing:”
Here are the possible answers Cosmo offers:
- Grab my hips and direct the action.
- Grab my butt.
- Bite my lip.
- Pull my hair.
I guess “Other” could mean anal-sex, but if the guys filling this shit out think “bite my lip” somehow equates to “mind-blowing,” then probably not. Ladies, anal-sex and anal-sex alone makes sex mind-blowing. If you don’t give up the butt, your man is going to seek out someone who does. Also, “Take it out of her ass and put it in her mouth” and “let me choke her, spank her, and beat her” would have been much better answers. “Pull my hair,” please…
“How important is it for you partner to orgasm:”
Yet another loaded question that assumes that we (I) have sex in the same manner, always. I mean, if you are fucking a girl in an alley outside a bar, then no, it is important that she doesn’t come. Assuming of course that you and your friends made her get naked and crawl around while spitting on her beforehand. So, again, there are times when it is very important that she come (like if she has a friend you want to fuck, and you know she is going to tell said friend how nifty you are in the sack) and there are times where it is important that she not come. And there are times when you just don’t care. Like if you know Gus Hansen is going to be on World Poker Tour in six minutes.
“If your girlfriend brought a vibrator to bed, you’d…”
The one answer they don’t give is, “be relieved, less work for me.” But they phrase the question as it were a big deal for women to bring vibrators into bed. I mean, what year is this? How many girls use vibrators? 99%? 102% (post ops…) When was this shit written? During a Newt Gingrich fever dream?
“Think about the best lover you’ve ever had. What made her so hot:”
And they actually give four answers. As if the best lover I’ve ever had can be summed up in an idiotic sentence. As if you can really have one best lover. This Cosmo shit is so stupid it is just painful. Again, the premises behind the questions are wrong. But, in the interest of good faith, I will answer that all of my best lovers wanted nothing to do with me.