JURASSIC PARK 3

If you look in the dictionary under “Bad Movie” you won’t find Jurassic Park 3. However, if you turn a few pages to the C section and look up “Crimes Against Cinema” there, nestled snuggly between Pearl Harbor and The Island of Dr. Moreau you will find Jurassic Park III.
To shortly summarize, at thirty-nine minutes into the movie, I realized
that we had only seen three dinosaurs. The movie is only an hour and
twenty-four minutes long! And it is not like Jaws, where the
presence of the shark is strongly hinted at. Up until about a half hour
in, they aren’t even on the fucking island. In the DVD Extras, there is
a thing called Dinosaur Turntables. That is way better than the movie.
What it is, is computer models for all the Dinosaurs used in the film
that spin around as if they are sitting on turntables. That part is
cool. Other than that, all you realize is that Joe Johnston who directs
Jurassic Park III, not only directed, but also took credit for directing Honey I Shrunk the Kids.

Note to that one guy in Delaware who reads the shit I write:
Jason, if you are going to make a movie about Dinosaurs, put some
fucking Dinosaurs in it! Especially if you are claiming to be part of a
series of movies that for all their faults, had fucking Dinosaurs in
practically every scene. Don’t waste my time with a fucking plot.
Obviously, that moron Dr. Grant (Sam Neill) is going to go back to the
island. They should have just started the movie on the fucking Island
with Dr. Grant saying, “I knew this was a bad idea” just as a whole
pack of tyrannosaurs eats all the other asshole actors up. Then, as a
tyrannosaur eats the Dr.’s legs he could yell, “You would have never
done this to Goldblum?” And then he would die and the rest of the movie
would just be Dinosaurs stomping around and killing each other. No
fucking people. Oh, would that be a great Dinosaur movie! Instead, we
get a watered down version of the sequel to the original where the only
interesting thing on the screen is William H. Macy and he is only
interesting because you wonder the entire movie why he did this fucking
pile of shit. Of course, my friend Becky pointed out that they probably
gave him $5,000,000. Hell, they probably gave Laura Dern half a million
for the two minutes she was on screen. On screen without dinosaurs, I
might add. As for the other people who are in this movie, I guess they
just really wanted a vehicle that showed off their sprinting ability.
The dinosaurs do look good. I will not take that away from this movie.
Everything else, though, is lowly and retarded. To the point where I
couldn’t even enjoy the dinosaurs.

The whole story is so
contrived–by contrived I mean dumb–that it only makes you realize how
terrible Hollywood is when all it concentrates on is MONEY. Especially
when it is simply cashing in on a tired premise with yet another lousy
sequel. Here are some more suck-ass things about this suck-ass movie.
Building a bigger dinosaur: Somehow the fucking producers got it in
their minds that people were walking out of the last two Jurassic Parks
saying, “Yeah, it was pretty cool, but I wish the Tyrannosaurs were
bigger. What were they, like 45 feet long? That’s hardly scary. Now 60
feet, that would really frighten the shit out of me.” Hence, the duck
billed spinosaurus. Bigger, meaner, faster and lamer
than T. Rex, the spinosaurus chased the boring people on the screen all
over the island. And it looked like a duck. Don’t you think at some
point Spielberg would have said to director Johnston, “Listen Joe,
about Jurassic Park 3. Remember that movie I did called Jaws?
Yeah, right. The one with the big shark in it. No, the two before that
one. Right, with Dreyfus. Well here’s the thing. I didn’t show the
shark too much in that one, because I had really strong characters and
an interesting plot to carry the movie. By the time those hacks at
Universal made the fourth installment, Jaws: The Revenge, they
had nothing but a great big shark that hunted people across the world
and stood up on its tail. This isn’t porno, bigger doesn’t mean
better.” The poor spinosaur even came across as retarded because it
couldn’t kill anybody. In my movie, that thing kills everybody. Twice.

Raptors that not only talk, but that are really smart: One of my favorite parts from the first Jurassic Park was
near the end when Laura Dern was being chased by some Raptors and just
before they killed her, they started attacking each other. That was
good, because it showed how important things like fact and evolution
are to an otherwise goofy story line. The raptors had no motive. They
were just mindless, violent reptiles that would just as gladly attack
each other as a human. It made the unbelievable believable. In this
shit-fest, the raptors can not only talk, but they are concerned about
who stole their eggs… Dr. Grant’s assistant, Billy (Alessandro
Nivola), the one guy besides Grant on the Island who should know
better, steals some raptor eggs. Not because he knew they were valuable
and he wanted the money for himself, but because he is such a dedicated
paleontologist that he realizes the sale of the eggs would give him
money, “enough to fund the dig site for another ten more years.”
Because of this, the raptors chase all of them around the island. They
want their eggs back. For about two seconds I thought about the fact
that dinosaurs just laid eggs and then took off to go and eat more and
that all sorts of animals would always be stealing or eating their
eggs. The final second of the thought had something to do with raptors
getting angry at and stalking other egg thieving dinosaurs. Then I went
back to just yelling at the TV. Also, and don’t even worry about how he
has it, but he has it, Dr. Grant at one point “talks” to the raptors
with a raptor “vocal module” and tells them not to kill his little
crew. Actors have no souls.

Good bad characters: This is a fault common to most Hollywood summer
blockbusters, but in no way forgotten about here. None of the fucking
characters are bad. Not one. Bill Macy and Tea Leoni` trick Dr. Grant
into going back to the one place where “No force on earth or Heaven”
could get him back to. But they aren’t bad people. They’re just
desperate, good middle class Americans who are concerned about the
welfare of their child. OK, so they are endangering the lives of half a
dozen other people, eventually killing three of them, but they meant
well. Or that stupid fucking Billy character who endangered everybody
by “stealing” the raptor eggs. After Dr. Grant tells him to go fuck
himself for being a selfish, greedy bastard (but not for being the
latest in a long line of pretty faced Hollywood midgets, oddly) he of
course para-jumps off a cliff into the talons of four pterodactyls in
order to save the kid. I was cheering so loud when Billy died three
minutes later. Only he didn’t die. At the end, for no apparent reason
other than to make sure that no one in the theater was sad, they had
Billy laying in a helicopter? With Dr. Grant’s hat! Oh, that part was
so fucking lame!!! What kind of a boring middle-aged asshole do you
have to be to think this shit up?

And the fucking kid? Why was he para-gliding next to the Island where
all the dinosaurs lived in the first place? I hate kids in movies. They
always fuck up everything, although in this case, the movie was fucked
to begin with. And why do all kids in movies have to be so fucking
wholesome these days? When I was thirteen I thought about fucking girls
and skateboarding. And pizza, sometimes. Trevor Morgan, the little
dufuss who plays the kid in this one, is just retarded. When Dr. Grant
and company crash land on the island, the three bad asses with the
Barrett .50 machine guns get killed in thirty seconds. Yet, we are
supposed to believe that this little puffy faced, bowl-cutted brat has
survived for eight weeks all by himself? Fuck the team of studio
monkeys/writers for being brain damaged enough to think of that shit.
Morgan is so boring and white that I just want to shoot him up with
heroin and a dirty needle. Anyhow, the kid eventually rescues Dr. Grant
with smoke grenades. As I said, Jaws: The Revenge made as much sense. Burn your local copies of Jurassic Park III on the shelf of the store.

DVD Extras

As usual, there is an enormous amount of extra material included and
most of it sucks. There is about five minutes worth where they show us
Steven Spielberg filming the first two movies, even though he wisely
had nothing to do with the third festering pile. Then you get to the
production crew, who smugly explain that “new science” has shown us
that tyrannosaurs weren’t that bad and that spinosaurs were the real
big cocks on the block. It seems like they feel that if they can just
convince us of this fact, then we will forgive them for the horrible
garbage movie they made. There is one woman, named Kathleen Kennedy,
who is so fucking awful that you just want to burn her. She sits there
and pats herself on the back for how fucking brilliant everyone
involved with the movie is. She spits out lines like this, “We’re
pushing ourselves harder than anyone could push us.” Which is a fucking
lie, because I could push all of them very, very hard. Off a cliff. Oh,
and there is a ton of Spielberg worship. Shit like, “When you are
working with someone as brilliant as Steven [who had nothing to do with
this wretched film other than to bequeath it to Johnston] you have to
realize that you are in the presence of God. He is going to say and do
things that normal people cannot understand and that even highly
evolved geniuses like us here in Hollywood struggle with?”

Everything else, besides the cool Dinosaur Turntable, is just your usual, boring, typical studio crap.

Ruthless Ratings

• Film, Overall: 2
• DVD Extras: 4
• Story: 1
• Acting: 4
• Direction: 2

Ruthless Reviews Special Ratings

• Number of cigarettes smoked, if applicable: I’m still sick
• Number of beers drank: 1 And it was a peach flavored beer that Becky brought that only made me enjoy the movie less.
• Number of times movie was paused to do something else: We sat
  in rapt attention at how lousy this pile was. Plus, it was under and
  hour and a half long.
• Number of times you found yourself enjoying the movie:
  Sometimes the dinosaurs looked cool. But then, one of the stupid humans
  would take up the whole screen and I began to hate it again.
• Number of times you wished you had taken that screenwriting class: 40 times.
• Number of times the oppressive soundtrack made you reach for
  your knife: From the second the movie started. I began thinking about
  the Dogma 95 rules and the one which states that only music naturally
  occurring in the shot can be used in the film. Then I realized that
  Dogma 95 came about because of on screen atrocities like Jurassic Park III.
• Number of times you imagined the director snickering to
  himself: After watching the DVD Extras, the director really thought he
  was making a good movie. What an asshole.

Erich Sez…

The original Jurassic Park has such a clever and fun
premise that you would really have to fuck up a sequel to make it all that bad.
Like one thing you could do, is to have all of the dinosaurs be in claymation
and hire the guy who did Wallace and Gromit and Chicken Run.  Then you
use the same sound effects but it would be coming out of those funny mouths.
Remember how the chickens in Chicken Run talked?  Imagine that, but a
dinosaur saying ?RAAAAAGHHHHHHRRRRR,? and the Sam Neil and all those people
running in terror.

In this movie the Raptors are way smarter and act and
sound differently than in the first two.  They could have made them like super
smart and stuff.  Instead of the movie being about people running away from
dinosaurs it could have been a serious drama, but with just raptors.  We could
have followed the lives of a group of young raptors as they tried to fit in at
Raptor High.  Will Terry the raptor ever be able to show his maw at school again
after getting an erection in the showers after football practice?  Will Molly
the raptor?s parents spot her quiet cries for help in time to save her from
raptor anorexia?  And what will Mary, the awkward raptor do when she finally
gets to go on her dream date with Tommy the hunky raptor only to discover that
he is a racist?

But if it had been up to me, I would have used the same
set up as the actual film–a divorced couple reunites to put together a team to
find their kid who was lost on the island–but then one of the characters would
have said “fuck it, the kid?s bound to be dead by now,” and everybody would go
on to have a normal movie, maybe about a ring of sexy car thieves who open a bar
full of hot, singing, dancing women who have to form a team to blow up an
asteroid the size of Texas before it hits earth, which would be deja vu for the
raptors.

Ruthless Ratings

• Movie Overall: 4.5
• Direction: 5.5
• Acting: 6
• Story: 3