JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK

You know you’re fucked when Ben Affleck is the bright spot of the
movie you rented. The Vapid One has not only by far the wittiest lines
of dialogue, but he delivers the best performance in this film. Matt
Damon is second. I remember watching the otherwise decent Boiler Room
and reaching for my gun when Affleck began his tough-guy monolouging. I
own a beautiful gunmetal blue .357 Colt Python Magnum if you’re
interested. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back could be a hilarious
twenty-five minute skit, but instead writer/director/producer/ugly star
Kevin Smith goes for a plot and winds up making me watch way too much
of Will Ferrel. How the fuck does that guy have a career? Ferrel, not
Smith. He plays an annoying macho-fag in every single role he gets.
Like Peter North, he manages to look gay even when he is in bed with a
chick.

I suppose there is a plot buried somewhere in this yuck-fest but who
cares? In Smith’s other movies, Jay and Silent Bob are great characters
because they are comic relief. In this one, what was a quick gag is
stretched into an hour and a half of numbing gay jokes. Smith pretty
much sucks as an actor and it is no fun and hardly funny to watch him
pantomime for the entire movie. Jay, played by Jason Mewes, can steal a
scene at any second. Like when he declares he is the “Clit Commander!”
However, he can also be really boring. A character like Jay is funny
because he is a parody of a real high-school drop out stoner who spends
all day in front of the Quickie Mart. When you start taking that
character seriously, like Smith does here, the resulting copy is as
annoying as the original. I don’t care about his feelings. However,
when he yells, “You’ve never had your ass licked by a fat guy in a
trench-coat?” I have to smile.

The only really good part of the movie is when the two stumble onto the
set of Good Will Hunting II. Hunting Season, where Damon and Affleck
rip into each other about what lousy movies the other makes. Also, the
part about the studio having a special code that is used when a dead
hooker has to be removed from Affleck’s trailer is great. But then Jay
battles Mark Hammil with a light saber while smoking pot and I start
asking myself, “Am I too old?” I’m not, I’m just not brain dead enough
to instantly appreciate kitsch and camp. I mean if you are really so
into Star Wars
and respect Mark Hammil enough to cast that has-been in your film
(Along with Carrie Fischer), why write him into your movie as a
character called, “Cock-Knocker”?

The whole movie is like a long, cable-versioned Saturday Night Live
skit. The funny moments are great; the boring, insulting and obnoxious
parts ruin what might have been good. So here is what I suggest. Get
the DVD and only watch the good scenes. Some of which may or may not
include the following: When Jay and Silent Bob show up at Miramax
Studios, lots of funny cameos start happening. Gus Van Zant is
literally counting the money he is getting to make Good Will Hunting II.
Chris Rock is solid, but derivative as a black director who hates white
people. (Wow!) Diedrich Bader, the not-as-funny-as Ryan Styles
character from the Drew Carey show is pretty good. Of course, he is
secretly gay. For some reason everyone in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back,
except for Affleck and Damon, has a homosexual streak. The scenes with
Affleck, as much as I regret typing it, are great – classic Kevin
Smith. Especially the quip, “That’s possibly the worst idea since
Greedo shooting first.” George Carlin is funny, but only in the movie
for a minute. Judd Nelson even manages to get off a really good one
liner.

Here are the parts that sucked. Every scene with the monkey. Oh yeah,
Jay and Silent Bob have to steal a monkey. That is the major sub-plot.
How you can fuck up the inherent comedic gold that primates bring to
the big screen is beyond me, but Smith does it. The monkey turns out to
be Silent Bob’s love interest. The four vinyl-clad diamond thieve babes
are AWFUL. Especially when they talk. Imagine everything you hated
about Barrymore’s Charlie’s Angels and then lower the mentality by
three years. Shannon Elizabeth cannot act and should really just
concentrate on porn. I’d watch that. Eliza Dushku, the super-hot
“alternative” babe from Bring It On was a total and complete let down.
I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to whack off to her anymore knowing
how she has soiled herself. Jason Lee revises his role as Banky and is
either the world’s largest A-hole or totally adept at playing one.
Either way, he is boring and you want to kick him. Will Ferrel, of
course, does the most damage. I might even recommend the movie for a
sad, drunken, lonely night if there was a cheap and quick way to edit
him out of it. Unfortunately, he is a principle character. If you do
rent it, be prepared. Jason Biggs and James Van Der Beek are somehow
more useless and pussy-faced than normal and are completely
overshadowed by the acting prowess of Mewes, Smith and the orangutan.
If Shannon Doherty is ever allowed to appear in a motion picture again,
I will be shocked.

A large part of the movie deals with the ever-expanding phenomena of
dorks in their mother’s basements posting movie reviews.
Jay and Silent Bob get so upset by this fact (Don’t ask) that they go
door-to-door beating up the responsible thirteen year olds. Which is
funny. I’m not sure if Smith was actually reacting to real life here,
or if he is just clever. No matter, because he automatically nullifies
reviews of this nature. However, just to get this out of the way,
here’s my mouth and here’s my money.

815 Bonnie Brae

Los Angeles, CA

90026

I should mention the hollow points, shouldn’t I?

Ruthless Ratings:

• Overall: 4
• DVD Extras: The whole thing was a DVD extra. It smelt like a large deleted scene.
• Story: 1
• Acting: 3, If you discount Ferrel than 4
• Direction: ?, someone directed this?

Special Ruthless Ratings:

• Number of cigarettes smoked: 5
• Number of beers drank: Unfortunately none. However, if drunk I probably would have laughed much more.
• Number of Times Movie was paused to do something else: 0
• Number of Times you Thought you were watching a Carrot Top movie: 7
• Number of Times you Thought you were watching Chinatown: 0
• Number of Times you Thought you were watching a Tarantino picture: 0
• Number of Times you Found yourself enjoying the movie: Many,
  but the crappy parts, especially with Will Farrel, far overshadow
  anything good.
• Number of Times you Wished you Would have taken that screenwriting class: 12
• Number of Times the Oppressive Soundtrack made you reach for your knife: Many. The music was lousy.
• Number of Times you Imagined the director snickering to
  Himself: I think he is still snickering because I am sure this movie
  grossed a fortune.
• Number of times you thought, “Man, Kevin Smith has really lost it”: 112