The Incredible Hulk, Volume I

hulk1

There once was a drifter named Banner

Who had the most interesting manner

Seems the fucker turned green

When people turned mean

Or lunged at his head with a hammer.

 

Poisoned by rays you canít see

Gamma, so Iím led to believe

Framed for a killing

The blood, itís a-spilling

And now thereís this asshole McGee.

 

From Bixby to Lou in a flash

His clothing was destined for trash

Whether suit, tie, or more so

Heíll end up as torso

A six-pack thatís ready to smash.

 

Each town but a respite from flight

All jobs but a hideout from fright

Not looking for trouble

All ended as rubble

When justice evaded his sight.

 

hulk3Now itís off to Chicago from San Fran

At least thatís Bannerís new plan

Get help from a doc

Whether pill, knife, or shock

And end up a healthy new man.

 

But the pilot, seen shirtless, now emboldened

A treasure in route to be stolen

King Tut, and a jewel

This man is no fool

Heíll sneak drugs aboard in his colon.

 

hulk2A partner in crime, sheís a whore

Drop pills in their coffee, nothing more

Asleep they will be

As the pair become thieves

Down into cargo, out the door.

 

But Bannerís aboard, and a physician

That old man passed out, what condition?

Perhaps a mistake

As the plane starts to shake

Oh shit, he may need a mortician.

 

Mr. Banner, come with me, says the crook

Meds in that cage, please, go take a look

Itís dark, cannot see

Seems so funny to me

Wait a sec, what the hell, I got took.

 

hulk5Hearing plans, Mr. Banner, now in trouble

Heís got to be killed, on the double

Screaming, in panic

He quickly turns manic

The green, it begins, time to rumble.

 

The pair, and their plans, oh so super

Parachutes packed,†like good ol’†DB Cooper

Jump, jump away

But at the end of the day

Thereís a Hulk fist straight up your pooper.

 

Raging and roaring, he tosses the creep

Hitting the wall, a most permanent sleep

One down, one to go

Best, always, not to go slow

The plane, so close to hitting a peak.

 

hulk6No one flying the plane, but wait, Iíve seen this before

An AIRPORT, í75, hell, I know the score

Bixby for Black

But no Heston to attack

Stock footage, and wait, thereís even more!

 

Columbia logo in place, same mountain range

Same rescue trucks, and airport, so very strange

Were their plans really that drastic

To steal from a classic

Passing it off as the same?

 

Green gone away, our Banner now flying

Oh look, goddammit, heís not even trying

Too many lights

Why bother to fight

Fiery crash so inviting.

 

Something gets stuck, calling the monster within

Go away! Holy shit, good lord, now it begins

The Hulk, on the stick

What knobs? Take your pick

A fucking monster has to bring this thing in.

 

hulk4Thank god thereís a spectacled kid in the know

Heís read a few books,†but please, take it slow

He works with the beast

Heís trying, at least

So fucking absurd, I could blow.

 

Hulk lands the plane, heís our Sully

Passengers saved, heís so money

A creature with skill

When not burning to kill

Is any of this really that funny?

 

So one last trip through the plane

Growling, driving people insane

Increasing his gait

He crashes a gate

Running away from the pain.

 

And so ends episode seven

Everyone good, no one in heaven

Big plane okay

Banner can’t stay

New town, he’s now known as Kevin.

 

*(SEASON 1, Episode 7 — 747)

 

About Matt

Matt is the siteís Longest Serving Critic and chief misanthrope. He divides his time between classics of cinema and the most ridiculous movies he can find on Redbox.
Follow Matt: @mattcale52