There once was a drifter named Banner
Who had the most interesting manner
Seems the fucker turned green
When people turned mean
Or lunged at his head with a hammer.
Poisoned by rays you can’t see
Gamma, so I’m led to believe
Framed for a killing
The blood, it’s a-spilling
And now there’s this asshole McGee.
From Bixby to Lou in a flash
His clothing was destined for trash
Whether suit, tie, or more so
He’ll end up as torso
A six-pack that’s ready to smash.
Each town but a respite from flight
All jobs but a hideout from fright
Not looking for trouble
All ended as rubble
When justice evaded his sight.
Now it’s off to Chicago from San Fran
At least that’s Banner’s new plan
Get help from a doc
Whether pill, knife, or shock
And end up a healthy new man.
But the pilot, seen shirtless, now emboldened
A treasure in route to be stolen
King Tut, and a jewel
This man is no fool
He’ll sneak drugs aboard in his colon.
A partner in crime, she’s a whore
Drop pills in their coffee, nothing more
Asleep they will be
As the pair become thieves
Down into cargo, out the door.
But Banner’s aboard, and a physician
That old man passed out, what condition?
Perhaps a mistake
As the plane starts to shake
Oh shit, he may need a mortician.
Mr. Banner, come with me, says the crook
Meds in that cage, please, go take a look
It’s dark, cannot see
Seems so funny to me
Wait a sec, what the hell, I got took.
Hearing plans, Mr. Banner, now in trouble
He’s got to be killed, on the double
Screaming, in panic
He quickly turns manic
The green, it begins, time to rumble.
The pair, and their plans, oh so super
Parachutes packed, like good ol’ DB Cooper
Jump, jump away
But at the end of the day
There’s a Hulk fist straight up your pooper.
Raging and roaring, he tosses the creep
Hitting the wall, a most permanent sleep
One down, one to go
Best, always, not to go slow
The plane, so close to hitting a peak.
No one flying the plane, but wait, I’ve seen this before
An AIRPORT, ’75, hell, I know the score
Bixby for Black
But no Heston to attack
Stock footage, and wait, there’s even more!
Columbia logo in place, same mountain range
Same rescue trucks, and airport, so very strange
Were their plans really that drastic
To steal from a classic
Passing it off as the same?
Green gone away, our Banner now flying
Oh look, goddammit, he’s not even trying
Too many lights
Why bother to fight
Fiery crash so inviting.
Something gets stuck, calling the monster within
Go away! Holy shit, good lord, now it begins
The Hulk, on the stick
What knobs? Take your pick
A fucking monster has to bring this thing in.
Thank god there’s a spectacled kid in the know
He’s read a few books, but please, take it slow
He works with the beast
He’s trying, at least
So fucking absurd, I could blow.
Hulk lands the plane, he’s our Sully
Passengers saved, he’s so money
A creature with skill
When not burning to kill
Is any of this really that funny?
So one last trip through the plane
Growling, driving people insane
Increasing his gait
He crashes a gate
Running away from the pain.
And so ends episode seven
Everyone good, no one in heaven
Big plane okay
Banner can’t stay
New town, he’s now known as Kevin.
*(SEASON 1, Episode 7 — 747)
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