Here at Ruthless Reviews, we get a lot of traffic due to our Black Metal Pics . Naturally, I now keep an eye out for silly looking pics of grown men playing dress up. While rummaging through my attic looking for my potato gun, I stumbled upon my old CD collection. The album covers made me laugh so hard, I forgot all about potatoes and guns. So I want to thank my potato gun, which I never found, for inspiring me to write: Top 10 worst album covers in L Ron Mexico’s CD collection. Enjoy.
#10 Spice 1
Little known fact: Spice 1’s mom, Barbara 1, was actually a huge fan of the hit sci-fi series Dune. She knew her son would grow up to be a rapper, so she named him Spice, because as we all know: “The Spice must flow.”
Kidding, his name was just Robert Green Jr. and he made some pretty great album covers and had a pretty sick flow; However, nobody could coordinate their taco-meat chest-hair with their top-hat quite like Robert. He took Willie Wonka and went jailhouse rapist with it. Quite impressive.
And from what you can see, Robert just couldn’t stop naming himself, giving himself a total of three different names on one album cover alone. Over the course of his career, he used the following monikers:
Spice 1
The Black Bossalini (because there apparently was a White Bossalini)
Dr. Bomb From Da Bay (so he could distribute medical marijuana)
Sitting Backwards on a Chair like AC Slater (his Native American rap name)
Dead Iguana Eyes
#9 Black Dynasty
McFly?! That’s right, these two young, militant rappers straight out of East Oakland were huge fans of Marty Mcfly and his sleeveless ski jackets. And despite this being 1995, they still wore flattops, because if 1985 was good enough for Marty, it was good enough for them.
FYI: after recording this album, they were never heard from again. Some say they accidentally traveled back to 1885 and got stuck in that time period, which unfortunately was not a very good time for militant rappers.
#8 Do or Die
If you see suits this awful, you can be sure one of five things is happening to you:
1.) You’re about to endure about three more offering calls because Jesus keeps blowing your money on double breasted lime green sports coats.
2.) You’re watching a sweaty “King of Comedy” pace around a stage doing an impression of somebody who doesn’t really exist.
3.) It’s about 10:30AM on a Sunday and an ex-defensive end is using a bunch of double negatives to make fun of Terry Bradshaw’s baldness.
4.) You’re banging Craig Sager’s wife, and he has come home, so you have to hide in his closet.
5.) You’re watching three of the most talented Chicago rappers to ever rap about being poor, but also being pimps. Po’ Pimpin if you will.
#7 RBL Posse
I always wondered why RBL Posse called themselves “Posse” when it was just one guy rapping. Perhaps he likes to use the royal “we” when referring to himself? Perhaps he takes his tea with a spot of sugar? Doubt it. A little Wikipedia research revealed there were two guys initially, (hardly enough for a posse but whatever) and one of them (Mr. Cee) was shot and killed. He was later replaced by another guy (Hitman), who was also shot and killed. Being the second guy of RBL Posse has a higher mortality rate than being a Bangladeshi sweat shop worker.
And the guy who kept surviving, Black C, was turned into a cyclops by some asshole with a shotgun back in 1989. Which is great, because instead of having a glass eye like some people who would struggle to fit in, Black C just wears an eye patch and makes constant reference to himself having the depth perception of Kirby Puckett post 1996. His album is called An Eye For An Eye, and there is a giant eye on the cover. EYES EYES EYES! Get it, he has ONE EYE!
Currently, RBL Posse remains a solo act. Surprisingly, no one else has applied for the vacant position of future murder victim.
#6 Luniz
You’ve heard of the AIG, Capital One, and Citi Group, but before all of that, there was the Oakland Skrilla National Bank. They had lax regulations and regularly gave out low interest loans to almost anyone. Two young rappers in life jackets borrowed millions to build a time machine and were never heard from again. RBL Posse took out a business loan to develop their new dessert, Eye Scream, but the FDA shut them down when tests revealed it was made from real human eyeballs. Dr. Bomb from Da Bay was given five hundred thousand dollars to open up a new practice. A similar looking man by the name of The Black Bossalini was given an equal amount to pay for a photo-shoot. Before the bank could go broke, it was robbed by famed rap-duo the Luniz. The title of this brazen heist was Operation Stackola. But the bank did not fail because they used Operation Bail-Outola to rob their money back from the taxpayers.
Fyi: The luniz, my favorite rap duo of all time, split up. Currently, Numskull is wrongfully serving time for sex crimes (Free Nummy!) and Yukmouth has turned into a real life version of Sir Smoke Alot from the movie Half Baked.
#5 Mr. Ill
Of all the mid-90’s album covers with post-apocalyptic fuchsia landscapes, this is easily my favorite. Mr. Ill can be seen here, in his backwards visor, on his way to Mordor to throw that gaudy chain back into a lake of fire.
This does make me pine for the 90’s, when dozens of rappers were using “Mr.” to prefix their name. Nowadays, everybody calls themselves “lil,” whatever and wouldn’t be caught dead wearing only one chain.
Note: Mr. Ill’s album cover is also my ChristianMingle profile pic.
#4 The College Boyz
That’s right, these are the College Boyz and they came to say / they rap hot rhymes like every day. The best thing about this album cover is not the flat tops, the denim shirts, or the guy wearing a high school track and field medal, it’s the way they are posing, from Mr. I’m About to Steal Second Base to This is How the Homeless Poop. The only way you get to see hilarious posture like this is in group prom photos or the Christmas cards of the nouveau riche .
And just in case you’re wondering about the music: Remember that one guy in C&C Music Factory who would break it down and start rapping in the middle of every song? Imagine an entire album like that, of that guy rapping, continuously.
#3 Yukmouth
Notice, there are twelve guys on the cover of this album. Seven of them are Yukmouth in slightly different outfits. This is so confusing. Could he not find six more friends to stand behind him? Did he just watch Eddie Murphy play all the Klumps and think he could do that too? And why are all the buildings in the background on fire? Perhaps the predatory lending practices of the Oakland Skrilla National Bank created living conditions so poor, Yukmouth and his six clones and five friends decided to burn it to the ground.
Actually, If you look closely, some of the rubble resembles that of the twin towers, and this album was made in 1998, which happened BEFORE September 11th 2001. Can somebody tell Alex Jones that because a Youtube feud between him and Yukmouth could be the greatest thing to ever happen to the innernet. I mean, let’s just lay out some facts:
There are seven Yukmouths. There were seven buildings destroyed because of 9/11.
Yukmouth has five friends. The Coalition of the Willing had five nations.
The album cover is of buildings on fire, possibly because people wanted to fly into them. Yukmouth constantly boasts about being “fly,” Coincidence?!
The symbol above Yukmouth is of a dragon on fire. Dragons are reptiles. So are lizards. Alex Jones believes the NWO is ruled by shape-shifting lizard people. Yukmouth is obviously a lizard person.
Lets look at the tracklist:
Disc 1 track 7 is called, “Father Like Son,” which is clearly an ominous illusion to George W Bush becoming elected two years later and starting another Iraq war.
Disc 1 track 13 is titled, “It’s In My Blood”, an obvious reference to being a lizard person with lizard blood.
Disc 1 track 14, “Rolex Rulez”. On the surface, it’s an entire song about how Yukmouth impressively owns a Rolex watch; however, the song title is an anagram for “Olez Rex Rul,” which is Latin for New World Order!
Disc 2 Track 7 is actually titled “Falling.” It can’t get more obvious than that. He could just have well titled it, “People Falling Out Of Burning Buildings.”
Also, this album has 28 songs, which is clearly too much for a solo debut. There is no way only one Yukmouth could have made all these amazing jams. There probably really were seven Yukmouths. Think about it, sheeple.
I can’t believe Alex Jones or one of his Infowarriors haven’t put together the pieces by now. I think I’m going to forward him an e-mail, just so six months later my crazy aunt will end up forwarding this information right back to the bullshit email I gave her that probably belongs to someone else. Sorry John@yahoo.com
#2 The Delinquents
And yet another reason why the Oakland Skrilla National Bank can’t keep any money in it! The Delinquents, who are making “Big Moves” decided to rob the money delivery truck, with a fucking helicopter! And doing it in an Oakland Raider’s jersey, I’m sure Al Davis had something to do with this. Let’s be honest, behind every crime is usually a rich white man in a track suit.
Anyway, that helicopter is like half the size of the armored truck. What does that helicopter run on, plutonium!? There is no way. That truck has to weigh like twenty tons. And by the looks of the landscape, Mr. Ill isn’t too far away, maybe he can catch some of that falling money and buy himself a new chain.
#1 3x Krazy
HOLY SHIT that’s a big fucking watch you’re sitting on! Look at all that money! Hundred dollar bills! And that car, a Mercedes! Wow! I’m sorry, I have to come back to the watch chair! Where did you get that, Skymall?! Do you own a cell phone too?! Oh man I bet so! And a yacht in the background as well; I almost didn’t see it buried under all those thousand dollar casino chips! Man, you guys are stackin chips so hard and high. Guy in the middle doesn’t even have to tie his shoes, cuz fuck it, he could buy new shoes any time he wants, cuz he’s a grown up. That’s a nice headband too, did it come with the vest? So many pockets on that vest, probably to keep all your regular sized watches and casino chips. I would literally murder all your enemies to get a Christmas card from each of you.
About L. Ron Mexico