Here in America, we have a law that states there has to be at least one issue of Skymall in every seat pocket of every airplane. In case you don’t know what Skymall is, it’s kind of like if the Home Shopping Network collided with Sharper Image 30,000 feet in the air. Here are some of their worst products.
That’s right, for only eighteen hundred bucks, you can display your virginity while looking like an upside down lollipop. This mobile “Kick Me” sign is called the Solowheel, and it’s the most efficient way to get from point A to point dying alone. It also comes with a free helmet, in case you’re one of the few people who ordered the Solowheel who isn’t already wearing one.
Technically, it IS a star. From the makers of Jesus Ouija and the Ku Klux Afro Pick comes the Hanukkah Tree Topper. That’s right, just drive the top branch into the star like a rusty nail slicing through Semitic skin. Celebrate Christ’s birthday while still acknowledging that he probably wasn’t the messiah, but hey, who cares, this is all about the presents anyway.
People will say, “Frank, is that you?!” and then marvel at how much of a creative, free-spirited man you’ve become. Nothing gets a party started like Flair Hair. All of your friends will take turns wearing it and laughing at each other. Act now and we’ll throw in a free beer koozie that reads “Crazy Guy!”
Note: Wearing Flair Hair is an ancient Southern custom that subtly lets everyone in an Applebee’s know that you are not above paying for sex.
If you’re still one of the few morons getting their toothpaste from a tube, then wake up! How often have you hit your spouse because the toothpaste was on the fritz again?! Paste extraction from a tube is an awful process: You have to squeeze the tube on the brush and then start brushing your teeth. There HAS to be an easier way! Well, look no further, toothpaste tablets are here. All you do is shake out a few tablets, put one in your mouth, and then put the others back in the bottle without getting them wet. Then just wait for it to intelligently react with your saliva. After a few minutes, you’re ready to brush. See, it’s way easier!
Note: A fun game to play with these is to pretend they are cyanide tablets and you are Hitler.
That’s right, you can initiate cryo-sleep on a bus! All you need is the Ultimate Neck Pillow and Travel Blanket. You can power down and pretend your Greyhound trip from Cleveland to Tallahassee is a spacecraft propelling you to another world where you didn’t blow your settlement check on meth. It’s truly the Snuggie for someone who’s lost everything. It also doubles as a body-bag when you OD. All the paramedics have to do is send you off to a state-financed crematorium! Wallah!
That’s right, violently drop your dog in its tracks with a swift tug of the Pull Stop. It’s not enough to keep your filthy canine on a leash, you need to collapse him like Luke Skywalker taking down an AT-AT. The Pull Stop immobilizes your dog by wrapping around his legs, enabling you to easily beat the shit out of him when the Giants don’t cover the spread. The Pull Stop comes in all colors (just like Wilt Chamberlain). And next time you put your dog into the dish washer, you can leave on the Pull Stop because it IS dishwasher safe! Act now and we’ll throw in a shock collar that fits snugly around his ballsack.
The only thing keeping you from completing a giant puzzle, is a giant puzzle table… and a social life and basic cable and maybe some spam-emails to sift through. But just picture the excitement as you break out your puzzle table and solve a ten thousand piece puzzle of the Liberty Bell! That excitement could change your life! And this table conveniently serves as a TV tray that supports frozen dinners for one. Also, you can fold up your table and carry it around town with you, to let people know that you’re saving yourself for marriage.
If you ever have to leave ‘Murica, chances are you’ll run into brown people, and what do brown people want? That’s right, all of your money! If you’re tired of having your fanny-pack pilfered while asking some wily natives the directions to the nearest “bano,” you could benefit from some Pick-Pocket Proof Pants, because if there’s one thing criminals hate, it’s alliteration. Also, these trousers protect your money with a hidden inside pocket, protected by a zipper, guarded by a button, financed by your insecurity. If anybody wants your “dinero,” they’ll have to de-pants you, just like in high school. These slacks have decoy pockets. Hell, they’ve got decoy decoy pockets, to put your decoy decoy money in. And when criminal scum try to spend money that reads, “The United States of Pick-Pocket Proof Pants,” the joke will be on them, HA!
Peyton Manning has a giant head, so it was no surprise that his neck collapsed under the weight of his enormous calcium-coated brain casing. He’s already undergone three neck surgeries; however, if he would have used the Upright Sleeper, he’d still be in Indianapolis. And not only does the Upright Sleeper act as a neck support for everyday life, it lets you sleep standing up, just like the human body was designed to do. Take your freedoms back. You can pretty much sleep anywhere: during a monster truck rally, as the gas station attendant redeems your scratch offs, or even while waiting for the bailiff to tell you to be seated.
Note: you can also purchase the Upright Sleeper Cover because you wouldn’t want to look ridiculous.
Has your loneliness manifested its own athleticism?! Do you yearn to be catapulted into another human being , flinging your smiling face into their willing bosom, inhaling their musk and taking in their essence? Well, we’ve got just the thing for you, The Human Slingshot! This is basically the Hadron Collider for dejected singles. However, if you’re the kind of guy who buys the Human Slingshot, chances are you might not have the required three friends needed to play with it. But don’t let that stop you, go to a local park and wrap it around three trees and just launch yourself into one over and over until you wake up in white pajamas. You’ll likely be in a big fluffy room where you can play Human Slingshot the rest of your life!
Not quite ready for the hospital bed yet, but still not healthy enough to sleep like a normal human? Well, we’ve got just the thing for you! The Sleep Improving Pillow Wedge. You just shove it under your back until your Medicare kicks in. It’s also made of anti-microbial fibers, which means you can shit, piss, and vomit on yourself and never have to clean it, because science will kill all your germs as you sleep soundly in your own filth gumbo.
Nothing says, “I’m done looking for a job. My parakeets are my life now,” like a robe. And if you’re sick of buying four dollar robes at garage sales, we’ve got just the thing for you. For only ninety bucks, you can be the proud owner of an authentic Irish robe. These robes are woven by real Irish people who watch kickball and worship leprechauns. You just tie it around your body and let the months melt into years. Note: Ghost Dad (pictured above) not included.
Hey, we got a HOT DOG over here! Get it?! It’s a leash for a dog… made out of plastic hotdogs! It’s genius. Disclaimer: your canine may mistake the plastic hotdogs for real ones and eat his own leash. It will then pass through his digestive track and exit his rectum, while still fastened to his collar. It will look like a string of interconnected turds protruding from his anus, which you can still use as a leash.
If you’re ever going to perform an exorcism on a cat, you’d better wear this shirt. It’s a well known fact that to keep the respect of your felines, you have to dress like one. The Cat Eyes Sleepshirt will let your litter know just who their queen really is. Patrol the halls of your duplex in your new cat shirt and feel the love and respect emitting from their subservient stares. Comes in sizes XXXL-XXXXXL
Don’t you just love it when animals shit in cabinets?! Purchase our Kitty Washroom and let your feline spray his diarrhea all over the walls of his own bathroom. Just look at one legged half-cat, he loves it! Kitty Washroom goes great in a bedroom, bathroom, or psychiatric institution. Also, when the inner walls are painted brown and feces starts to spill out onto the floor, you can just throw the whole thing into your fireplace, cat included!
Are you tired of never having the answers, to anything? Well, next time you can’t explain something, just flash your bracelet to some inquisitive know-it-all and smugly reply, “It is what it is!” Say it twice, the second time a lot slower, “It…Is…What…It…IS!” People love it when you tell them that. “Where are the quarterly reports?” “Do you have any allergies we should know about?” “Is there a reason you smell like gasoline?” Bam, you just smirk, flash the bracelet, and say the words! People will be psychologically intimidated by your blanketed philosophic indifference and impressed with your impeccable taste in airplane jewelry.
Fact: science is growing. Fact: lasers are science. Therefore: Lasers grow whatever you aim them at. From the same people who brought you the Penis Pump and the Mood Ring, comes the iGrow, which is in no way affiliated with Apple. (Our lawyer made us clarify that.) The iGrow will grow all of your hair back in two months, and that waitress will finally give you her phone number. Every fantasy you’ve ever had is at your fingertips. You only need to send us seven hundred dollars and dress up like Tron for twenty minutes a day.
If there’s one thing herpes hate, it’s electricity! You never see herpes growing on power lines do you?! Of course not. That should be all the proof you need. Armed with Dermaseptic, you can snort meth off a bowling alley bathroom floor, kiss Craigslist hookers, or even drink after Kevin Federline. Nothing you do will ever have consequences again, all for the price of $99.95! The herpes killing ions inside last forever and there is an infinite number of them. They can probably even kill AIDS. (Our lawyer is telling us to shut up now.)
The back is the third strongest muscle right behind skull and kidney, so it’s pretty important that you take great care of it. The Standing Back Stretcher does wonders for your back. Plenty of sham products like “sofa arm rest” and “floor” are often used by idiots to stretch out their backs. But those products don’t use muscular science technology that the Standing Back Stretcher does, which can be yours for only $200! You can also handcuff the mailman to the Standing Back Stretcher and show him why the little boy inside of you will make him suffer. Note: Our lawyer just quit.
Food, what a fucking chore. They make you look at it, pick it up, then put it in your mouth. They even somehow expect you to chew it while keeping your mouth closed. Liberate yourself today with the Napkin Clip, which allows you to turn anything into a bib: prayer cloths, eviction notices, family photos. It doesn’t fucking matter. Nothing fucking matters anymore because YOU QUIT! Just attach the clips to a rectangular object to form your bib and then allow food and drink to dribble out of your mouth like a slack-jawed gelatinous blob! It’s great for dining out, letting people know you’re sick of their shit, and you don’t give a fuck anymore! Flash your dead-eyed gaze upon cashiers while they watch in horror as your masticated chicken nuggets tumble into your son’s report card. Note: you can also buy two Napkin Clips and use them as jumper cables for your mobility scooter.