Fish and titties, titties and fish. Am I right?
Technically, yes, though Piranha 3DD clocks in at an anemic 70 minutes, so it’s just barely a movie. That said, the whole thing’s pretty damn lean and mean, giving us backstory, introduction, sex, more sex, and massacre, all within about 20 minutes. Add a few dozen slo-mo shots of titties and fish, and there’s your feature. Curiously, there are 84 minutes of deleted scenes.
Is this is a sequel to the smash hit from a few years back?
Damn right. The opening scenes describe the bloodbath from Lake Victoria in the first film, and now we’re in Cross Lake, Arizona. The previously unknown species of piranha is back, and this time, they’re after a newly opened big wet water park called The Big Wet Water Park. It’s run by a guy named Chet, so it stands to reason that he operates it on the cheap, stealing water from an underground well so that he will predictably unleash the killer fish into his business. Opening day is closing day, bitches. But first, we are treated to a Gary Busey sighting. Gary Busey wades into the lake, encountering a dead, bloated calf. The calf farts, then explodes. Gary Busey yells something about diaper shit. Gary Busey is then consumed by the piranhas. I loves Gary Busey.
This water park…A wacky commercial to introduce us?
Chet is a huckster. A showman. A carnival barker for a new age. And when Arizona said it wanted a water park known as “The Hottest Hole in Town,” Chet came a-calling. Among the park’s many virtues, DD’s swim free. There’s also an Adult Pool section, which features stripper poles, Russian doctors moonlighting as prostitutes, condom vending machines, a nude beach, and the lovingly described “cooch-cam.” Fortunately for Chet, he owns 51% of the park, while his snooty (yet hot) step-daughter, Maddy, only controls 49%. This will lead to a vicious tug-of-war for the very soul of Big Wet. Chet wants titties, Maddy wants good clean family fun. Threats will be made, old wounds freshly picked. Buried resentments rising to the surface. Something out of O’Neill, only with more titties.
Any other characters of note? I mean, 70 minutes ain’t a lot of time to add shading and the like.
There’s Kyle, the security guard who drinks on the job, takes bribes, and ends up dying a hero. And what about the virgin girl, who is afraid of sex, yet has a good friend determined to get her laid during this last summer of innocence. Or the hot skinnydipping couple, one of whom is hot and oversexed, while the other so hot and dumb that she can’t feel it when a piranha swims up her vagina, only to be released when she finally has sex later in the film. Or the hottest chick in Arizona, who begs a guy to fuck her in a van, but is soon killed when the van mysteriously drives into the lake and the fish go apeshit. And the….
Hold up, hold up. A piranha swims into a vagina and pops out only during intercourse? Sex equals death? That’s some Friday the 13th shit right there.
Shelby, a mere babe in the woods, decides that with doom and gloom everywhere, she wants to taste cock for the first time. Josh, the willing boyfriend, climbs aboard and gets ready to pop in about 15 seconds. At the moment of release, Shelby starts to foam at the mouth, while Josh starts screaming like a banshee. He pulls out and sees a piranha attached to his cock. Out of his mind, he grabs a knife and performs a self-styled John Wayne Bobbitt. Blood everywhere, Shelby wakes up from her brief coma and calls for her man. Seeing nothing, she steps on the dead piranha and Josh’s penis pops out. Did I mention there’s a Gary Busey cameo?
Okay, you mentioned the all-too-brief running time. But you caught a break even there, didn’t you?
The DVD, being a Redbox number, was scratched to hell. I knew this going in, but tempted fate nonetheless. Immediately following the bloody penis scene, the DVD skipped. Jumped and stalled. Eventually, it froze altogether. In the end, I lost about five minutes. While not exactly an 18 1/2 minute gap, I knew I was missing some new titties. Maybe another sex scene. All I know is, the frame stopped cold just as a naked chick was slipping into a bath. What the fuck happened? Email the Ruthless administrator if you have anything to share, because I’ve already blown my $1.30.
I hear Ving Rhames is back, though he now has no legs. And David Hasselhoff? Surely not.
Rhames bellows for a second or two and is gone, like a whisper on the wind. The Hoff, however, is all about face time. Lots of it, in fact. He’s playing himself, and he’s been paid the big bucks to help open the new water park. While he flirts shamelessly, he’s also mean and surly, rolling his eyes whenever asked about Baywatch. “I’m not a lifeguard,” he spits, “Never was one.” He even refuses to help a drowning child, excusing his inaction due to the brat’s status as a “ginger moron.” Soon, though, the Baywatch theme roars on the soundtrack, and before you know it, he’s sprinting into action as the piranhas invade the wading pool. Does Hoff stop halfway, groaning, “I’m too old for this shit”? And why not? He still has a killer physique, and any hint of past alcoholism has been put to bed. Give this man a starring vehicle, pronto. He’s a Tarantino script away from an Oscar nomination.
Corpse count? I mean, this shit was bloody.
667 paying customers entered the Big Wet Water Park that day, only 11 survived. To the film’s credit, amidst the titties and chicks, there were body parts everywhere. Severed heads, hands, feet, penises, and a few shimmering torsos for good measure. Everyone died, young and old. Every breath was one’s last. All dreams deferred, like raisins in the sun. In the end, Hollywood once again tells us that all outdoor activities will end at the graveyard.
I get that Chet’s greed helps bring down the Big Wet Water Park, but how does a fat retarded Mexican help save the day?
The fat retarded Mexican, last seen with a piranha shoved up his ass, breaks into the part of the park where he can shout down a hole, drop a freshly lit joint, and blow up the tube where all the deadly fish are getting in. As the piranhas rain down, angelic music plays, a pitchfork falls from the sky and into the security guard’s neck, and Chet is decapitated just in time for his severed head to land inside the bikini top of the woman with the park’s biggest tits. Just like All About Eve.
I liked the Hasselhoff line about the “ginger moron.” But why does he say it twice?
The first time was to take joy in a child’s drowning death. The second time, Hoff is celebrating the kid’s decapitation, which occurs seconds after Christopher Lloyd calls the water park in a panic, saying that the piranhas have evolved and are learning to walk. God, what a dumb question.
Just so you know, this is the single worst review you’ve ever written.
The summer is still young, pal.