Holy fucking hell, here we go again. As soon as I thought the airwaves were safe from this shit, here comes yet another installment of the most tired premise in America: gather a bunch of attractive people together, dangle a million dollars in front of their noses, and watch the “games” begin. Do people really need to watch this…again? What on Christ-humping, rectum-shredding earth could possibly be different this time around? Oh, yeah, there’s some deaf chick. But aside from that, do we really need to devote yet another hour per week to the beautiful people? How empty are we as a nation that we need to watch various lunkheads with tight abs, firm chests, and rippling backs eat insects, swim, boil rice, and talk “strategy?” Oooohhh, could it be that there will be alliances formed in the jungles of the Amazon? Will inauthenticity reign as good friends become enemies, all under the excuse that “the game must be played?” Will the cocky get their comeuppance and the meek sneak under the radar? Why am I asking these questions? Were they not answered the previous five ass-splitting times?

As a man in tune with popular culture, I do believe that CBS did not put a great amount of effort to promote this product. Given that the previous Survivor ended about a month ago (or was it last week?), I am guessing that they sensed extreme exhaustion on the part of the viewing public. They had this shit in the can, so they had to release it some time, right? Every time a new one comes down the sewage pipe, I am forced to ask when this will all end. I know what many of you will say – when the ratings decline, the show will go away. True enough. I guess I am at a loss as to why millions continue to sacrifice precious time to watch what they have seen countless times before. But wait; is that not the very definition of television itself? Repackaging the same garbage, adding a colorful spin or two, and shamelessly, cynically, passing it off as “new?” Think of how many sitcoms come and go every single year. I mean really: how many times are we going to be saddled with the same family meeting the same problems with the same resolutions? Yet we watch and apparently, we are entertained. Or at least distracted. Fuck America.

So Survivor: Amazon has arrived and once again, I will not be watching. Hell, I didn’t even catch the first episode. After all, I can tell you exactly what will occur based on the bits and pieces I received from the previous five installments. People will lose weight, videos will be sent from home (and tears will be shed), immunity challenges will be replicated from other shows, fights will ensue, products will be plugged, and we’ll all meet up again for the live show that determines the winner. And through it all, I’ll depressingly realize that yes, this is the best we can do.

About Matt

Matt is the site’s Longest Serving Critic and chief misanthrope. He divides his time between classics of cinema and the most ridiculous movies he can find on Redbox.
Follow Matt: @mattcale52