Ladies and Gentlemen, your guide to understanding the 2013 NBA Draft
From Hakeem Olajuwan to Nemanja Nedovic, David Stern has been shaking hands with kids for thirty years. So with this being his last year, I decided to write an article about it.
The NBA draft is always one of my favorite spectacles, nervous kids awkwardly giving interviews. The embarrassing family members, the hot girl friends, the hot moms, the funny suits, the analysts struggling to pronounce the foreigner’s names, and the guys who expected to be drafted early being humiliated on live TV as they keep falling and falling. It’s all very entertaining. So without further ado, here is my rundown of the night’s festivities.
Strengths: Having strength is his strength! He can also shoot, rebound, and eat very well.
Weakness: Public speaking and spiders.
How He Fits: Cleveland needs a SF, and he could possibly adjust his game from PF to SF.
Suit: The suit is all Cliff Paul, but the tie is something an old southern bigot wears to a horse race.
Comparison: Larry Johnson
Note: He is also the highest drafted Canadian ever. I think he could have went 42nd and still had this honor.
Strengths: Defense, shooting, work ethic, attitude, character, great with kids, good credit, smells like kittens.
Weakness: Not the best dribbler in the world. Kind of small for a SG.
How He Fits: Anywhere in Orlando. They suck as a staff, record label and mother fucking crew. He could even drive the shuttle bus at Disney. Anything he does in this town is an improvement.
Suit: Interviewing for an entry level position at Citigroup.
Comparison: Dwyane Wade (without the Gatorade night terrors)
Strengths: Versatile, Shooting, Defense, Passing.
Weakness: Skinny. Kind of looks like a lizard.
How He Fits: Perfect! Washington needs a SF like Manu Ginobili needs the iGrow.
Suit: Why is everyone wearing the same color tonight!? NBA guys are so lanky and boxy looking in suits. Put them all in gray, and it’s like being in a room with a bunch of unpainted transformers.
Comparison: Tayshaun Prince.
Strengths: Athletic (especially for a white)
Weakness: Looks like the lovechild of Peyton Manning and Hillary Clinton.
How He Fits: It’s Charlotte. Are your shoulders capable of supporting the weight of a mesh jersey!? Fantastic! Now get out there and play center.
Suit: Tight enough to show off his child bearing hips.
Comparison: He could be anything from Tyler Hansbrough to Joakim Noah.
Strengths: Big, Polished, Some kind of Russian, hard to kill.
Weakness: Hurt a lot (very un-Russian). Disappears at times (very Russian).
How He Fits: Probably pretty good, considering I can’t name Phoenix’s center. Mort Bardot?
Comparison: Zydrunas Ilgauskas (AKA: Underlined Red Words)
6.) NEW ORLEANS:
Strengths: Shot blocking machine, being a defensive savant.
Weakness: If he got on a see-saw with Honey Boo Boo, he would get stuck in the air.
How He Fits: Not well, considering he was traded thirty seconds later to a team who already has an injured center.
Suit: banker from the 1800’s. He also had the Kentucky Wildcat’s logo stitched into the inside of his jacket. It was nice of him to rep his university after spending like four months there. It’s like the kid who gets really into reggae after going on a cruise.
Comparison: telephone pole with an ironic flat top. FYI: Otto Porter’s dad had the best flat top in the entire draft; he obviously has had it since the 80’s.
Note: In the trade, my beloved Pelicans turned Nerlens into Jrue Holiday, an All-Star point guard. Not bad Pelicans. Not bad.
Strengths: Shooting, Finishing, Athletic.
Weakness: Cant create his own shot. Dubbed “immature” by old white guys.
How He Fits: I think Sac-town has tons of guards but who cares. He’s probably better than all of them.
Suit: Pit Boss at the Bellagio.
Comparison: People say Ray Allen. I say Ron Mercer.
Strengths: Fantastic shooter, cool name.
Weakness: Doesn’t do much else but shoot.
How He Fits: Detroit lacks a SG. Kentavious is a shooting guard. Voila!
Suit: Just another kid telling Geico where he sees himself in five years.
Comparison: Rip Hamilton
9.) MINN (traded to Utah)
Strengths: Shooting, Passing.
Weakness: Not an elite athlete, kind of small.
How He Fits: Very well, just hope he can get used to all the Mormonism.
Suit: Who cares, his mom was kind of cute.
Comparison: Kind of like Clair Huxtable meets Eve from the Ruff Ryders.
Strengths: Scoring, shooting.
Weakness: kind of turnover prone.
How Fits: Like a square peg into a squirrel’s asshole. Seriously, they already drafted this guy’s carbon copy last year in Damien Lilliard.
Suit: “Would you like to buy some encyclopedias, sir?”
Comparison: Damian Lilliard, his actual teammate.
Strengths: Defense, finishing, passing, and has great size and athleticism.
Weakness: Can’t shoot.
How He Fits: Perfectly since they traded their all star point guard to the Pelicans so that Andrew Bynum can have somebody to play wheelchair basketball with.
Suit: Lead singer in a Doo-wop band.
12.) OKLAHOMA CITY:
Strengths: Has lots of energy, good personality, very “funny.”
Weakness: Poor FT percentage, stupid kiwi accent, his sister looks like Teddy Bruschi.
How He Fits: I guess they’re gonna amnesty Kendrick Perkins.
Suit: managing a boy band.
Compares: Seriously his sister could play middle linebacker.
13.) DALLAS (traded to Boston, the team not the band):
Strengths: Shooting, hipster hair.
Weakness: Not a great rebounder or shot blocker, which sucks, especially if you play center.
How He Fits: He’ll help them get a great 2014 pic!
Suit: He wasn’t at the draft. The draft is just so mainstream.
Compares: Brittney Griner
14.) UTAH (traded to Minnesota):
Weakness: Is actually a 28 year old guy named Fred who was working at a car wash three years ago.
How He Fits: Great with Rubio, who loves to pass. Shabazz loves to shoot. It’s a match made in 8th seed heaven!
Suit: No idea, I guess he was wearing one. I was too busy playing Candy Crush at that point. I don’t even remember seeing him.
And that concludes the lottery, here is basically what transpired after that.
The Bucks took a Greek kid. His name sounded like a chemical they put in Twinkies.
Atlanta got a Brazillian guy who had trouble balancing his hat on his afro.
Atlanta also took a German point guard with long arms.
Dallas took Shane Larkin, who is like a mix between Hall of Famer Barry Larkin and his wife.
Cleveland took a Russian dude who had 80’s hair and a Mexican accent.
Bulls take a guy named Tony, but oh look, Shabazz Muhammed finally shows up and jumps on stage like Kanye West. Nice of you to join us. I bet you just cut everybody off in traffic, parked in the handicapped spot, and then walked right in like nothing happened. I hope Derrick Williams and Kevin Love pee in your locker before every game. I hope your entire life smells like pee and you’re back to washing cars by Christmas.
You know what, if Shabazz can lie about his age, show up late on draft night, then why do I have to keep covering this shit?! I’m on level 75 of Candy Crush right now, 75! It’s getting intense! I have to go.