Yeah, I know it’s a James Bond movie, but I can’t resist making fun of some of the more glaring implausibilities in this film. The first half of the film is about how 007 infiltrates North Korea, is captured and tortured for more than a year, is recaptured by his own people, escapes, goes to Cuba, kills 900 people, and steals this diamond. He gives the diamond to a guy who sits in a law office all day and that guy is able to determine that it’s chemical composition is identical to illicit diamonds from Sierra Lyon and that it bears the laser signature of this other guy who claims to have found diamond mines in Iceland. This is the key discovery of the film. Oh yeah, the preceding paragraph contains spoilers.

Here are two other methods that the British Secret Service could have used to obtain that information: (1) buy one of the diamonds and examine it; (2) look in the alleged diamond mine and see that it contained zero diamonds.

Also, it’s kind of funny how Q always gives bond three devices, a super watch, a super car and something that has a very specific purpose that turns out to be just what is needed. In this one, Bond gets a special ring that can break glass by making a high pitched noise. Sure enough, he finds himself about to be shot as he and a conversational shooter stand on a huge piece of glass. I can’t wait for the next movie where Bond is given a fez that can send a signal that disables go-karts before discovering that he must infiltrate the Shriners.

Also, the whole corny/sexy pun/word play thing is strained well beyond the breaking point and most of the puns aren’t funny. Are the scenes with Halle Berry supposed to be self-parody?

James: You’re good.

Halle: I’m bad!

J: But bad can be good

H: And I’m sooooo good.

J: And yet, so bad.

H: But still good. Even after a long, hard day.

J: I have a large penis.

My final complaint is Madonna. To make matters worse, she’s in this movie.

I actually had a pretty good time though. Like I said, it’s a Bond flick. Some guy gets shot through the back of his head and out his mouth with a laser. Then they laser off his arm to use it for palm print identifications. There’s tons of stuff like that and a cool henchman, this albino Korean with diamond shrapnel in his face.

Ruthless Ratings:

  • Number of times you realized that they left in too many of Halle Berry’s scenes just because she won that award: 5
  • Number of times you thought Halle Berry’s haircut made her look kind of like a klingon: 3
  • Number of times you remembered Ursula Andress in Dr. No and cursed the human aging process: 5
  • Number of times the oppressive soundtrack made you reach for a knife: 0 the much-maligned opening song is one of the better Bond songs for the simple reason that it isn’t boring.

“Simpsons” Reference: The dialog between James and Halle reminds me of the time where Homer’s talking to Ruth Powers, the Simpsons’ divorced neighbor. She asks to be set up with one of their friends ASAP because, “after all, I have the usual appetites.” H: “I hear ya. Just to be clear, we’re not talking about food, right? R: No. H: I read you loud and clear. We’re talking about sex, right? R: Yes.

About Plexico Gingrich

Plexico likes to gamble. He writes for a boxing site which you can visit: here
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