HERBIE FULLY LOADED

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Directed by Angela Robinson

Written by Thomas Lennon, Ben Garant, Alfred Gough, Miles Millar, Thomas Lennon & Mark Perez

Starring:
– Lindsay Lohan as Maggie Peyton
– Michael Keaton as Ray Peyton Sr.
– Matt Dillon as Trip Murphy
– Breckin Meyer as Ray Peyton Jr.


Is this the infamous movie where Lindsay Lohanís tits were digitally altered?

According to industry rumor, Lohanís melons were so overpowering that test audiences were left reeling. Check that: flat-chested mothers who didnít want their husbands to have yet another excuse not to pay any attention to them were left reeling, which means that Disney caved, the jugs were scaled back, and the only conceivable reason(s) for watching this unnecessary remake of a film that sucked hairy-ass to begin with was taken away. And they didnít even have the decency to restore the rack in an unrated directorís cut.

So what then, the tits were nowhere to be found?

Strangely enough, they were flowing quite nicely, which makes me wonder how fucking big they were in the rough cut. Remember, this was Lindsayís last movie before she became an anorexic cokehead, and the director was kind enough to keep her in tight t-shirts and short skirts.

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Whatís the first thing youíd like to do with these delicious melons?

The tits were great, yeah, but thereís this car, Herbie, and heís about to be smashed into scrap, when Lindsay comes along……

Donít care; more tits. So, like, would you tweak the nipples first, or go right for a full immersion?

A slight caress and a bit of tweaking, but anyway, she buys the car for $75 and has this street race with Matt Dillon, whoís like this mean NASCAR driver named Trip Murphy, and she like wins, you know……

Back to the tits! So as youíre working them over, do you grab her ass, and like, how fucking hard are you at this point?

Anyway, Trip wants revenge, so while Lindsay is taking Trip’s car for a test drive, he fucks with Herbie, which causes him to get mad at Lindsay, and she loses the big race. So Trip sells Herbie to a demolition derby and is nearly crushed for good when…..

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Okay, so as your grab her hair, smack her in the mouth not once but twice, and hold the Bowie knife to her throat, are her nipples hard?

A little, but Lindsayís dad, played by Michael Keaton, doesnít want her to race, because he lost his wife a decade ago — presumably to racing; maybe she was fucked to death by a horse, I can’t recall — and heíll be damned if his daughter is going to meet the same fate……

Now, youíve fucked her tits, carved up a large segment of her thigh, and are holding her kidney in your left hand. Do you dare ask for a blowjob?

Not yet. So Jeff Gordon shows up for a cameo, proving himself to be the worst actor in a generation, and Herbie is set for the Nextel Cup, because Lindseyís brother gets hurt, and she must take his place and redeem the familyís racing team…..

So as you cut her in half, hollow out her tits to use as tobacco pouches, and shave the lifeless head for use as a doorstop, does your erection subside even for a second?

Long enough so that I could hear the lines, ďRacing is in my blood! Please let me race!Ē and ďIíd rather lose this race than lose you!Ē Other than that, I donít remember a fucking word. In my defense, 90% of the soundtrack consisted of arena bands like Van Halen, Boston, and Foreigner.

Hold up, dude — Herbie won? How?

Iím done.

About Matt

Matt is the siteís Longest Serving Critic and chief misanthrope. He divides his time between classics of cinema and the most ridiculous movies he can find on Redbox.
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