Cute little movie. The guy died who starred in it. He was Chuck Norris’s son but not as ugly. He got shot by a freak accident where a bullet casing from a blank got lodged in the barrel of a gun and then the gun powder from a another blank forced it out of the barrel and it killed him. Which sucked cause son-of-Chuck Lee was the best part of The Crow. There was this little girl in the movie and she sucked. He crawled out of his grave to kill people which I guess is sort of fucked cause like he’s obviously alive after death, so like won’t all the people he killed be fucking with him in the land of the dead? But, he did have mime makeup on. That part was pretty dumb. Like, he claws his way out of the grave and his first inclination is too put on coprse paint and black lipstick. I’d go grab a beer or pet a doggie or something. Well, I guess I’d try and track down a woman, but are women into fucking dead guys? Probably not. But you never really know… girls are into weird shit.

Seriously, have you ever though how totally unattractive men are? Yet every girl I’ve ever screwed (presumably) has been attracted to me. And I look like a polar bear somebody graffiti-ed with a piece of charcoal (I’m white and hairy and unsure of my metaphors). Hello? The dead Lee guy was really attractive, however. But he’s dead and I’m still ugly.

Man, it’s funny. Mike from Opeth just sent me an email, and while Opeth is totally the greatest band ever (except for NoMeansNo), they are pretty goth. And the Crow is all about goth. Though it totally has all these lame anti-smoking messages in it, ignoring the fact that the goth subculture was invented by Philip Morris in order to lure teenage smokers. Serious — think about it. Oh yeah — indepth Opeth interview is coming. Think about that, too.

Uh… Sully (you said you’d kill me last) from Commando is in the movie and he rocks — he’s one of the bad guys. My friend Slut was married to the marimba player from Skinny Puppy… OK, she was married to the singer dude, Ogre, and Ogre was supposed to be in the movie. I forget what happened but anyhow, he was going to be one of the bad dudes because other than the Crow guy and the black dude from Ghostbusters, everyone male in the movie was a bad guy. Oh! So Sully is the bad guy and he rapes the Crow guy’s wife and throws the Crow out of a window. That kills him and his wife dies and because the spirit world is presumably down with the Gregorian calendar, the Crow rises from the dead a year later to avenge his wife’s death. Er… Oh, they weren’t married yet, but they were going to get married the day after the murders on Halloween cause they are so fucking goth. But Sully fucked all that up. Luckily the Crow kills him. And all his friends. And his boss. And Candyman.

What’s good about the movie is the Lee guy. He has fun with it and that translates into the audience having fun with what would normally be a dull and tedious concept. Like, if you are going to have a vigilante mass-murder spree and Chuck Bronson is not the lead, well… you better make it fun. The movie itself was sold out by sub par dialogue that somehow most of the actors managed to deliver with a straight face. Still, the refrain, “it can’t rain all the time,” is no “I’d buy that for a dollar.” Get what I’m saying? Bad dialogue hurt the film. Plus, as time-capsule-esq as it was, having the Cure blaring just before the hero unleashes hell-fury on a city full of murderer druggie scum and inept cops… it just didn’t work for me. But apparently, unless you’re German, you are incapable of using music smartly in a feature film. Especially early nineties pop-grunge crap. Oh, and fuck Nine Inch Nails. Man they suck.

And why would you have a the tough-guy ass-kicking hero dress up like an undead Trent Reznor? And why do people like Trent Reznor so much. Boo. Bad music. And why is my glass so empty? I have to pee.

Much better. So, it sucks that young-Lee died cause he was an entertaining actor he saved this film. Serious — try to imagine what a crapfest The Crow would have been with him. Just rotten. I forgot to button my pants. Anyhow… The Crow — pretty boring but the Crow guy was good. Double Bastard by Stone is a fucking world-class beer. Goodnight…

About Jonny Lieberman

Jonny was the site’s co-founder and helped carry the place in the early years. There was a falling out with Erich and he left the site for good, but a lot of his reviews live on. He has moved on to a successful career writing about cars. Look him up.