THE AWARD WINNING PORNOGRAPHER DECREES…
So it happened, Angelina Jolie had us take a good, long look at her
tits. This was not a little peep shot like in Pushing Tin, or the side
of the boob like in Tomb Raider. This was the whole breast and nothing
but the breast your honor, and not just once, but over and over again
like a New Jersey trash collector at the lapdance booth on a Saturday
night. The movie is alright, if a little predictable, and Antonio
Banderras does show his ass quite a bit, so Jonny would love it, but none of that matters.
ORIGINAL SIN is a movie about a chick, Angelina Jolie, who marries a
rich Cuban, not Fidel, and steals all of his money. Then it turns out
that she had stolen her identity from a woman she and her actor
accomplice had murdered and and that she is a whore and a thief, which
quite frankly reminds me of something Tracy Lords once told me. Then
Antonio chases after her to kill her but can’t because he is still in
love with her and hi-jinks ensue until Antonio is poisoned by the
whore, I mean Angelina, and she shoots her boyfriend. What really makes
the story super duper special is that it is told, in flashbacks, from
jail, where Angelina Jolie is telling her tale to her priest the night
before she is to be executed for the murder. What a clever story
vehicle, and completely untouched, too. Then when the story is done we
get the typical Hollywood BULLSHIT ending in which the whore is no
longer really a whore, she’s just misunderstood, and the good guy
becomes a good bad guy, but we deserve it, and they escape together
through implausible circumstances because love conquers all. Fuck me.
Weak story elements aside, it’s fair to say that Antonio does some
decent acting in this and that Angelina Jolie is also capable of a
larger degree of emotional range than I had originally suspected. The
reason I cannot remember anyone’s name in the movie is that the love
scene with Angelina and Antonio happens about five minutes in and I
spent a lot of time watching and rewatching it. Listen, this is the
reason we got DVD technology in the first place, for clear freeze
framing. Antonio takes Jolie in the standard missionary position and
they build to a fairly standard though passionate climax. When Antonio
pulls his FIP(fake internal popshot) his cries of ecstacy make us
wonder if he was really inside of her, and the look on Jolie’s face is
deadly and lascivious. But it doesn’t stop there. Even though he has
just came with throes of release wracking his glistened form, Antonio
is such a man that he flips Jolie over and ravishes her from several
different positions, exposing more and more of her body in the process,
until I had gone through an entire box of Kleenex. The truth is that
after this kind of strong opening, it’s hard to care about the rest of
the movie.
DVD Extras
I didn’t stick around to find out. I was so tired after the beating
I had given myself I could barely finish the movie. Thank God I didn’t
see this in the theater.
Ruthless Ratings
- Film, Overall – 5 ( Angelina Overall – 9)
- DVD Extras – n/a
- Story – 2
- Acting – 5 Direction – 3 (Sex Direction – 7) Anal Sex Direction – 10
Ruthless Reviews Special Ratings
- Number of times movie was paused to do something else – 16.
- Number of times you found yourself enjoying the movie – Quite
often. I really liked whenever Penn was on screen, but you already knew
that. - Number of boxes of Kleenex used – 1.5.
- Number of times lube was dropped- 4.
- Number of times you imagined the director snickering to
himself – When Antonio’s ass crack was on the view finder for five
minutes. - Number of times you thought about getting a leather trench
coat – Once, when I realized that if they made a sequel to this movie I
would have to stroke in public. - Number of times you yelled at the TV what a bad actor Antonio
is – None, but I yelled at him enough, things like ” switch to reverse
cowgirl so I can see some hardcore you idiot!”
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