September is here. Carbon emissions are at their peak. The kids are going back to the 17th best educational system in the world, and there is a dead zone the size of Connecticut in the Gulf of Mexico, but none of that matters. For the next two dozen Sundays, men in little helmets will have to smash into each other to satisfy Quetzalcoatl, the ancient Aztec blood god. But even that wont be enough. We need brain-damaged ex-warriors in suits arguing about it. We need bespectacled number-crunching nerds providing us with analytical projections and inside information. A ball of hairspray in a skirt will be given a microphone, and she will ask some towering, grass-stained sacrifice if it feels good to win or bad to lose. Men will form exclusive clubs and draft imaginary teams. Everyone is a coach. Everyone is a player. We’re all in this together now. Everything will be taken, “one game at a time.” So here is my contribution. Here is my bloody head bouncing down the great pyramid like a punt making its way inside the two yard line.
The Decapitators: These are real teams who have real chances to take their bruised brains and spoiled kids to Disney World.
San Francisco 49ers: Yes, their quarterback has the face of a Progeria-ridden orphan and the ink of a three time felon, but he is emerging as a big time “playmaker.” Note: “playmaker” is a term used by lazy sportswriters when they can’t think of a way to quantify an athlete’s upside. Note: “upside” is a term used by stupid sportswriters who can’t spell “potential.” In reality, Kaepernick isn’t anything special. It’s the defense that will carry this squad. I also want to take a moment to say that I hate the coach of this team, and I’m praying to the Aztec god of testicular dismemberment that he visits Jim Harbaugh via mountain bike accident.
Denver Broncos: SAT question: An airplane filled with jet fuel is to a building as Peyton Manning’s heavily weighted mega-skull is to a cervical vertebrae. That’s right people, I’ve ran the “advanced metrics” and there is no way Peyton’s neck can stand another year of supporting his head. It just can’t be done. However, if for some reason his neck doesn’t collapse upon itself like a burning heap of steel, this team could win the entire thing.
Seattle Seahawks: Every time I see Pete Carroll, he’s acting like an arrogant talkative drunken yuppie who has never been punched in the face. My biggest wet dream that doesn’t involve Kate Middleton slathered in barbeque sauce in the bed of a monster truck is for Marshawn Lynch to knock out Pete Carroll’s entire front row of teeth for calling him “boy.” The experts are picking this team to win it all. The experts also say things like, “Welcome to the Visa Halftime report!” and “Let’s check out the Taco Bell play of the game!” I predict they lose in the first round of the playoffs.
New Orleans Saints: That’s right, the number one passing team in all of football has its visor-wearing, gum-smacking, offensive genius back from football jail, and he’s hired Rex Ryan’s fart-sniffing pirate-haired goofball brother to coach the defense, which was historically the worst ever last year, giving up over 7,000 yards. They stuck to the method of bend but don’t break…a sweat. I did the math here. They gave up four miles of plays to their opponents. Determined philanthropic do-gooders won’t even walk that far to cure breast cancer. Expect improvements. The defense can’t possibly be any worse, and you better believe Sean Peyton is going to have some big plays keyed up early and often. The Saints will be going deep like Osama’s corpse. Who Dat!
Good But Not Great Division (sponsored by KFC)
Atlanta Falcons: As a season ticket holding Saints fan, I’ll say I hate this team and their fans; however, I won’t disgrace the sports journalism profession and let my personal vendettas get in the way of my objective analysis. I think Roddy White is a great wide receiver. I was surprised when he came out in support of Jerry Sandusky though. But this is America, and he has a right to his own opinion. There is a lot of speculation about Matt Ryan this year. People just don’t know if he’s going to be the same quarterback after undergoing that sex change operation, but I’m optimistic. Let’s just all calm down and judge him by his play on the field and not the fact that he went down to Panama and paid another man to cut off his penis and bore a vagina somewhere above his soft, weak Atlanta taint.
Green Bay Packers: When you score a touchdown for this team, you get to jump into the crowd and get hugged by a bunch of cheese eating drunkards with cold hands and warm breath. I can’t believe Greg Jennings walked away from all of this. But the real reason they won’t win isn’t because of the departure of Jennings or because Aaron Rogers got overshadowed in his own commercials by a fat kid with a funny voice. They just aren’t balanced enough to do any damage in the playoffs. I can’t think of the last Green Bay running back that struck fear into defenses.
New England Patriots: Aaron Hernandez murdered a guy named Odin. That’s Thor’s dad’s name. You just pissed off the Viking Gods, asshole, so don’t expect for the Pats to have a successful season. Somebody’s wife is getting raped and somebody’s mansion is getting pillaged. It’s no wonder Welker wanted out. Vengeance is coming. Hernandez brought the wrath of an angry Nordic deity upon all of their houses. You can smash as many cell phones as you’d like or throw all your guns into a lake, but you can’t escape what’s coming. And not to mention they cut Tim “Football Jesus” Tebow! That’s two angry gods. No one can protect you now. You will reap the whirlwind Belichick. You will reap it!
Houston Texans: Every year people say this team is ready to “make the leap” or “take the next step.” They’re quickly running out of ambulatory metaphors. I just don’t think these guys have the ability to “run away with it.” Excuse me now while I “jump off a bridge.”
Baltimore Ravens: Nobody wins two in a row anymore, especially a team who loses six starters and has a quarterback who was a spokesperson for Pizza Hut. I wonder what Ray Lewis is going to do with his life now. Oh wait, he’s got a job with ESPN as an analyst. I can’t wait to hear how he breaks down how the Giants beat the Bears because Eli must have prayed harder than Cutler.
Cincinnati Bengals: I really like these guys. I’m scared to jinx them with my endorsement, but I will. I could see them making it to the second round of the playoffs. I can’t tell if Marvin Lewis is a good coach or not. He seems like a nice guy, but something is off about him. You can tell he has a secret. I hope it’s something normal like gambling debts and not something weird like sex with prostitutes while wearing a diaper (that’s what my senator does and he still got re-elected).
The Ray Lewis Will Pray For You Division: Teams Who Need Divine Help:
Pittsburgh Steelers: I can’t really think of any reasons they’ll be good. A washed up rapist QB, no real running game, average receivers, and an aging, mediocre defense, but it’s Pittsburgh, so you know they’ll do something. Ben will win a game or two with a lucky play. The defense will return fumbles and interceptions for touchdowns, and Tomlin will motivate some average guys to play above their pay grades. Towels will twirl and they’re get more wins than they should.
Washington Redskins: Yup, it’s 2013 and that’s still the racist ass name of this team. They really should change it to reflect the plight of this nation’s native peoples. How about something more appropriate? How about the Washington Victims of Genocide? That has a nice ring to it. What about the Smallpox Blanket Snugglers? That would put everyone in a good mood. I think football teams should have the mascots of the owners. “Coming up next in our Geico match up of the week, Ray Lewis breaks down the game between the Detroit Sailboat Captains and the St. Louis Maid Impregnaters.”
New York Giants: This just isn’t their year. I miss the days of the Bradshaw-Jacobs backfield and Eli just tossing it up for grabs. Now Eli’s actually trying and these new running backs are all hurt and unproven. I think their defensive line is still good. They’re going to win nine games and everyone in New York will treat it like a travesty. Hey, at least you guys still have the Jets.
Chicago Bears: A good thing to do when sad is to Google pics of Jay Cutler smoking. I know the guy’s a douchebag, but I can’t help but like him. He honestly doesn’t give a fuck. I’m convinced he’d have been a douche even if he was washing dishes. Fame had nothing to do with it.
Flying Cars Division: Not Gonna Happen Anytime Soon
Indianapolis Colts: T.Y. Hilton’s real name is Eugene; I looked it up. No wonder he changed it to some random letters. Eugene was the MVP of the 2010 Little Caesars Pizza Bowl, which is a real thing. After that, T.Y. should have changed his name to “Little Caesar.” That would have been amazing. He and Joe “Pizza Hut” Flacco could have been rivals.
Detroit Lions: Quality quarterback, best wide receiver in the game, and now they add a focused Reggie Bush. They have an amazingly talented offense but no defense. They’re the Green Bay Packers except without a winning tradition and a competent coach.
Philadelphia Eagles: Something just irks me when an overweight guy struts around yelling at other people to hurry up. That’s what we have here, a bloated out of shape Chip Kelly making his guys play at a lightning fast pace. Supposedly, they’re not even going to huddle. It’s going to be a two minute offense the entire game. What does a fat guy know about speed? The nerve of this prick. He should take his own advice and pretend his entire life is a football game, and when his BMI drops under “pallet of buttermilk,” he can teach any offensive scheme he wishes.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: They won seven games last year, and I see them as getting better. Plus, Doug “The Muscle Hamster” Martin is only going to improve as Carl Nicks will be back. The only problem is that Doug doesn’t like his nickname. I think you take a body part and combine it with an animal, and it’s going to be a great nickname 100% of the time. Imagine Phil “The Wrist Gorilla”Mickelson. It even works with non-sports related people, like Glenn “The Anus Roach” Beck and Saca “The Nostril Vulture” Gawea.
Carolina Panthers: As a Saints fan, I’m going to just take a minute to address Steve Smith, who kills us every year. I don’t know what happened to you to make you so mean. Maybe it was because you never learned how to read. Maybe it was because your weener doesn’t work. Maybe it’s because no one could ever love a person as awful as yourself. I hope you truly find inner peace and stop taking your personal issues and rage out on the Saints. Catch as many touchdowns as you want, your dad will never love you. Just work on yourself, man. Football isn’t the answer. Just take a year or two to find yourself.
The Anus Roach Division
The Dallas Cowboys: Few things are funnier than watching a fan base this vast and rabid become so despondent. They’re not even mad anymore. They’d settle just to be kicked out of the first round by the Vikings. The Cowboys are like the Batman movies and Tony Romo is George Clooney, except if George just kept coming back every year to make sequels. I’m not even going to insult them anymore. It’s pointless.
Cleveland Browns: Aptly named after human excrement, the Browns are looking to come out hot this year. They have mostly all the same guys, but Norv Turner will be running the offense. Little known fact: Of all the coaches that have losing records, Norv has coached the most games. Norv can teach these guys how to lose with dignity and class.
Kansas City Chiefs: Yeah, stick Andy Reid in a city with all that barbecue. That move was brought to you by the people lobbying to send Ricky Williams to Denver. I was at the Saints/Chiefs first preseason game, and I had no trouble picking Andy out on the field even though I sit in the nose bleed section. He was the red blob of mustachioed mass pacing the sidelines holding a chicken leg.
Minnesota Vikings: Adrian Peterson can’t keep carrying these guys forever. Maybe he can team up with the ghost of Murdered Viking God Odin Lloyd to win some games, but in the process they learn about life instead. It could be like that Oscar nominated movie where Marlon Wayans and Kadeem Hardison pretended to be college basketball players but one of them is a dead ghost, and the other is the dumb sibling.
St. Louis Rams: They have a new offense and are supposed to be better. They’ve got household names like Austin, Richardson, Cook, and Givens starting at the skill positions now. Those are proven NFL guys who should mesh together well. Billy Ray must have been so proud of Miley performance at the VMA’s.
Teams Most Likely to Get Invited to the Dominos Pizza Bowl
Miami Dolphins: Well, they won’t be as painfully bad as the Jets and Bills, but neither is getting your fingers cut off by a drug lord, so I suppose that doesn’t mitigate the fact that they’ll miss the playoffs again.
San Diego Chargers: Philip Rivers is a dickhead, and I enjoy watching him slowly become known as a loser around the NFL. The Chargers also drafted Manti Te’o who racked up two hundred sacks this preseason. Did I mention those sacks happened in Canada and he didn’t get to see them yet, but they happened.
Tennessee Titans: What a bunch of underachievers. Will this be the year those lovable losers put it all together and show the world how mediocre they can be?
Buffalo Bills: Calling the Bills bottom dwellers is pretty much academic at this point. They are trying something different this year by going with a “mobile” quarterback. I just want to point out how the prison industrial complex and judicial system conspire to lock up “mobile” young men while “traditional” young men are given different sentences for equal crimes.
Jacksonville Jaguars: I can’t believe the team hasn’t moved to an area where they’d sell more tickets, like Fresno or Leningrad.
Arizona Cardinals: Carson Palmer gets yet another shot to show us he can lose twelve games a year with any team. At least he will be an improvement from last year’s quarterbacks Kevin Kolb, John Skeleton, John McCain, Sandra Bullock, Dr. Pepper, and Ryan Leaf. Is there anyone who didn’t play for Arizona last year?
Oakland Raiders: What do you get when you compare an inexperienced, inaccurate quarterback with young, undisciplined receivers? Well all the experts are picking them to finish dead last in their division, which of course makes me pull for them, but that would make me a Raider fan, which I can’t be because I’ve never used a summons to wipe vomit off a scratch off.
New York Jets: That’s right, Rex Ryan finally lost the locker room. It’s as if adult men can’t respect a loud-mouthed buffoon with a foot-fetish who can’t dress himself. Last year’s butt fumble will go down as possibly the most incompetent play to ever happen in the history of professional sports. And what does Mark Sanchez do? I’ll tell you, he comes back this year looking like this: