Directed by Raja Gosnell
Written by Warner Borthers Marketing Department
Screenplay by James Gunn Starring
– Matthew Lillard as Shaggy
– Linda Cardellini as Velma
– Sarah Michelles Gellar as Daphne
– Brainless Wonder as Fred
Scooby Doo Not.
Scooby Dog Shit.
Scoody Horse Vomit.
These are too easy for me to write, and Scooby Doo had a little more going for it than most kid’s movies. In fact, despite some spotty casting decisions (Freddie Prinz Jr. is retarded) and runaway computer graphics nonsense that might have even embarrassed George Lucas, Scooby was sort of fun. Sort of.
First of all, who the hell is Linda Cardellini and why aren’t I dating her? That may seem like a typical total loser statement, but a friend of mine directed a TV show she was in and he didn’t say anything to her about me. Jerk. Linda Cardellini plays Velma, and she is just so smoking hot. Sarah Michelle Gellar plays Daphne, and I am sure that the majority of dudes out there will think Buffy is hotter, but she ain’t. Linda Cardellini is a babe, and I predict we will be seeing much more of her, and not wearing as many sweaters. She can act, too. Even though seventy-five percent of the script was aimed at nine year olds, Cardellini gets a chance to show us what she’s got in a few scenes. And then she shows us what she’s got. I’ll stop now.
The great Matthew Lillard plays Shaggy, and he was by far the best part of the movie. Except for that one part where Velma took her sweater off. That part was really good. Anyhow, I’m calling Lillard great because the brilliant performance he turned in with Salt Lake City Punk!. He was also great in Serial Mom. Like a few other young actors out there, if he would just pick his roles with more consistency, everyone would love this guy. In other words, be a little fucking selective. Doing Summer Catch was not worth the money. All that aside, Lillard shines in Scooby Doo. First, he sounds exactly like Shaggy did in the cartoon. Exactly. Second, with the exception of my friend Phil, I don’t think anyone could have nailed the look of Shaggy as well as Lillard did. Third, Matthew Lillard was really funny. This was partially due to the fact that the best lines in the movie were written for his character. However, it also has to do with the fact that Lillard has great timing and delivery.
Getting down to the dregs, Sarah Michelle Gellar plays Daphne. Gellar was way too short for the part. Way too goofy as well. Not that I am going ot hold the cartoon up as any sort of example of anything noteworthy, but part of what made it work was that Fred, Daphne and Velma were all straight men for Shaggy and Scooby’s antics. In this movie, everybody is a comedian. Is that Gellar’s fault? Probably. Even dumb people don’t want to play dumb people. Gellar does have nice boobs. If you think I’m being shallow, ask Gellar why she had them hanging out in a Children’s movie. The wire work she did for her fight scene at the end was good, but totally out of place. Not in a good way, like say when Rowdy Roddy Piper body slams that dude in They Live. It was just out of place. We get it, she’s Buffy. Even The Rock knows not to do the eyebrow thing when he is out of the ring.
And then there was Freddie. I’ve never been in a movie. Which means that me and Mr. prinze have been in the same number of good movies. I have little to say about him except that he is an actor who cannot act, and everyone knows it. He’s stupid, too. Oh yeah, he is marrying Gellar, which again most guys would probably think a good thing. However, I heard her on Stern the other day, and she is the biggest bore/windbag I have ever heard speak. Sarah Michelle, you know what? Smoking, drinking, drugging and fucking would probably increase your range as an actress. For sure some pot would slow that mouth of yours down. Which would be great.
As far as Scooby the actual animated dog goes, he looked fine. The thing was, the animators felt compelled to keep him “animated” at all times. Scooby just would not quit twitching and shaking. I’ve seen dogs with epilepsy that jerked around less. It was like somebody laced his Scooby-Snacks with Crystal Meth. By the end of the movie, the over the top Computer Generated Crap was unwatchable. My A.D.D. started acting up, which ironically enough, I developed as a child form watching countless hours of Scooby Doo. In any case, it wasn’t pretty.
The best thing about Scooby Doo was all the stoner/marijuana references that writer James Gunn managed to stick in. Like when Shaggy meets his love interest and finds out her name is Mary Jane. “That’s my favorite name” Lillard beams. Get it? Funny. But then lots of other stuff happened which really wasn’t funny or interesting. One problem with Scooby Doo is that it never really decided if it wanted to be a live action cartoon or a spoof of a live action cartoon.
What the hell am I talking about? Scooby Doo is very little else than a marketing coup by Warner Brothers. Anything that was clever or entertaining had been used up and squeezed dry by the film’s halfway point. By preying upon fond memories of the cartoon from my childhood, these pig-fuckers were able to separate me from $9.00. The ending was total crap, the beginning and middle were more cute than entertaining and aside from the sneaky drug references, only one girl in the movie was wearing pants. Which normally I like, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN? I’m so glad I don’t have any children. Because they might make me take them to see Scooby Doo again. Scary!
- Overall: 3
- Direction: 4
- Acting: 5
- Story: 2
- Re-watchability: 2
Special Ruthless Ratings:
- Number of times you could almost see up Sarah Michelle Gellar or Linda Cardellini’s skirt: 8
- Number of times if you had Scooby Doo on DVD you would have paused it to get a better look up said skirts: 15
- Number of times Matthew Lillard saved the movie: 14
- Number of times Freddie prinze Jr. wrecked it: 46
- Number of times you were amused by all the drug references: 12
- Number of times you were thinking about Sarah Michelle Gellar or Linda Cardellini’s boobs instead of what was going on: 37
- Number of times you realized how very much you hate computer generated characters: 67