TEAMS MOST LIKELY TO TAKE THE TROPHY HOME
MIAMI HEAT: During last year’s off season, LeBron worked on his post-up game, and LeBron’s hairline worked on its fade away. Point is, the guy keeps evolving every year. I can’t wait to see what he comes out with this season. I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts drop-kicking the ball into the basket with the Sherman Hemsley on his head in 2013. They also signed drug-loving Michael Beasley, while also having Chris Anderson, who also loves drugs and was once suspended for two years for using an undisclosed substance. What in the world do you have to smoke to get suspended for two NBA seasons, the crushed bone marrow of Lupus-ridden infants? But, to cancel out Cheech and Chong, they have Erik Spolestra and Shane Battier, two of the nerdiest pleated-khaki-loving napkin-lap-putting kale-stew-eating Dave-Chapelle-white-voice-talking dweebs to ever walk the earth. They also signed Greg Oden’s knees, which make Dwyane Wade’s knees look like Eric Bledsoe’s knees. They also signed Greg Oden’s penis, which makes Tommy Lee’s penis look like Brett Farve’s penis. Anyway, barring any major injuries, these guys are the best team in basketball.
SAN ANTONIO SPURS: What a bunch of hustlers! They only thing lazy on this team was T-Mac’s left eye. They’re bringing back the band for the 4356th year in a row. Plus, Kawhi Leonard will probably be even better. When these guys are all healthy and determined, not much can stand in their way, except maybe a Ray Allen corner three. I did notice they don’t have DeJuan Blair anymore. Maybe Boris Diaw ate him.
INDIANA PACERS: Last season, their weakness was that they had no bench. Seriously, there was no bench: everyone had to sit on the floor. This year, Ian Mahinmi will get on all fours and let the other more talented players sit on him. He will be the new bench, and Danny Granger, Luis Scola, Chris Copeland, and CJ Watson will just sit on his vertebrae while Hibbert, West, George, Stevenson, and Hill shut down opposing teams. Ian won’t even have to waste his bench-being talents by playing a minute in a real NBA game. I love this freaking team, just want to point that out. Hibbert is an absolute joy to watch if you like an old school big man who can rebound, block shots, and play with his back to the basket. I have these guys going back to the Eastern Conference Finals.
CHICAGO BULLS: I’m not sure after knee surgury, the former MVP will bounce back. It’s going to take an entire year to convince me. Guys like him and Russell Westbrook get by on their extreme athleticism. There is no telling what will happen after coming off a major operation. I need to see it before I believe it. I actually wrote a poem about all of this.
Derrick Rose wears Red
Russell Westbrook wears Blue
After knee surgeries
Worse than Hedu Turkoglu
I like Tom Thibodau because my birth villiage is Thibodaux, Louisiana, and I feel like he’s representing us without the “x”, which just means his highfaluting ancestors could probably read, right, and coach the hell out of a defense.
OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER: “Well, that James Harden trade was a clear victory for the Thunder,” said Senator Ted Cruz. After red-shirting Jeremy Lamb last year, everyone will now find out what he is made of with the departure of Kevin Martin. Jeremy has an undiagnosed disorder that looks to be a combination of autism and narcolepsy. If he can get it together, there is no excuse for Royce “I have social anxiety but love attention” White. Also, add Serge Ibaka with Nene, Metta World Peace, Luol Deng, and Kosta Koufos to the coolest name team of 2013.
TEAMS THAT THE TROPHY USED TO GET A FREE DRINK
MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES: Speaking of Kosta Koufos, he will be backing up Mac and Blain from Predator. This team reminds me of the Pacers and Bulls, except without as much offense. They’ll slow down the flow and just grind teams down. Maybe Quincy Pondexter’s name can can go antiquing with Shane Battier and Erik Spolestra in a safe, controlled environment next season.
HOUSTON ROCKETS: For this to work, Dwight Howard’s ego will have to be messaged more than Miles Austin’s hamstring on a Sunday morning. I’m not sure James “I look like I play keytar for TV on the Radio” Harden will want to give up shooting 25 plus times a game. You should probably expect them to trade Omar Asik for ten bags of ego-food for Dwight.
TEAMS THAT BOUGHT A LIFE SIZE REPLICA TROPHY FROM JAPAN AND “PLAYED” WITH IT
NEW ORLEANS PELICANS: That’s right bitches, I believe in my hometown squad. There is no question they have talent, but everyone is skeptical that they can “mesh.” Tyreke, Jrue, and Eric Gordon were all the best players on horrible teams last year, and what did they learn? They obviously learned that they can’t do it all themselves, which is why they will listen to coach Monty and play team basketball. Tyreke already said he is looking forward to coming off the bench in a Manu Ginobli type role. Gordon is looking healthy (crosses fingers) and Jrue is a pass-first defensive-minded point guard who can knock down open shots. I should also point out they have 3-pt marksman Ryan Anderson and future all-star Anthony Davis. The real question is weather Monte Williams, who comes from that old-school, slow-paced San Antonio model, will get out and run, which is what this team is designed to do. Aminu and Austin Rivers both look to have improved this off season; however, the real question is at the center position. They basically have 18 fouls to give between three of the most spastic jibroneys known to man. Once Davis bulks up and slides over in the five spot, this will no longer be an issue.
LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS: I just don’t think that this team has enough defense to get past the second round of the playoffs. I mean, this is a fun bunch, but I don’t know how anyone can take them seriously. Just picture this….And now, ladies and gentlemen, your starting lineup for the 2013 Clippers: Chris “State Farm” Paul, JJ “Most Punchable Face” Reddick, Matt “Bad Tattoo” Barns, Blake “Kia” Griffin, and DeAndre “Eyes Too Close Together” Jordan. And now they’re saying Doc Rivers wants to hide the Lakers championship banners during home games. What will he do next, ask the NBA to hide his son’s free throw percentage (54%) from ESPN?
GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS: Starting lineup of Iggy, Bogut, Lee, Thompson, and Curry is solid, but they have no defense and not much of a bench after losing Jack and Landry. Stephan Curry does have his little brother Seth Curry backing him up, which is cool, especially if you like Curry. I wonder since there are no Hindu or Indian players in the NBA, do they feel inclined to root for the Warriors because of this. Like if there was a famous English kickball player named Bobby Gumbo, would I just naturally love him? Probably so.
TEAMS THAT PRINTED UP A PICTURE OF THE TROPHY AND TOOK IT TO THE BATHROOM
WASHINGTON WIZARDS: Otto Porter is probably the only thing in Washington that can pass at this point. John Wall gets better every year, and Bradly Beal could be one of the leagues best shooting guards soon. Up front, they have Al Harrington, Trevor Booker, Nene, and Emeka Okafor, not exactly the Memphis Grizzlies here, but they’re solid enough to be competitive every night. I love this young team and expect them to challenge for a 5 or 6 seed.
BROOKLYN NETS: Despite what Viagra commercials tell you, experience isn’t everything. Sometimes you need youthful exuberance and knees that still have a little bit of cartilage left. Jason Terry, Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, Joe Johnson, and Deron Williams all came out of a vagina before Regan won re-election. I don’t see them getting out of the the first round of chemo much less the playoffs. You see, the Bulls, Pacers, and Heat aren’t Jason Kidd’s wife, so he won’t be able to just beat them whenever he wants.
NEW YORK KNICKS: So fucking tired of these jerk offs. I think Melo wants out, Artest wants in, Kenyan has the tats of a guy shopping for potted meat in Walmart at 3AM, and they have the fat point guard not named Jameer Nelson. The only thing that mildly interests me about this team is wondering if Ron Artest is now going to go live back in Queensbridge since he is playing in New York. I hope he does and there is this economic and cultural revolution that takes place because Ron spreads joy and love throughout his neighborhood. Or the entire hood could explode and burn down. You never know with Ron Metta World Peace Artest.
DETROIT PISTONS: I like the front court of Drummond (The new Dwight Howard) Greg Monroe, and Josh Smith. Tons of talent there but it’s the back court that remains a question mark. They signed Brandon Jennings to a lot less than he would have made if the new version of NBA Moneyball hadn’t taken affect. Somewhere there is a stat nerd who figured out efficiency ratings that cost a lot of guys money. If said stat nerd ever comes up missing, Brandon Jennings, Monte Ellis, and Rudy Gay will all be prime suspects, as he’s probably cost them a combined twenty million dollars. I bet Rudy wishes he could have just found the guy before all this advanced metric stuff blew up and gave him a cool million to keep his pencil-pushing, number-crunching mouth shut.
MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES: These guys look scary on paper, but so does a picture of a vampire eating a kitten, and that doesn’t mean it’s a real thing happening. If nobody gets hurt and everybody “meshes” then yes, they will be a wrecking ball in the Western Conference. Also, if you read my NBA draft night analysis, I touched on how much of a fuckup Shabazz Muhammed is, so just to follow up, he has since managed to get thrown out of rookie training camp for bringing bitches into his room after curfew. I’d say he is just a dumb kid, but Shabazz is actually like 32 years old.
MILWAUKEE BUCKS: The poster boys of mediocrity strike again. They’re the deepest team in all of basketball; however, nobody on the team is great. It’s just tons of guys that range from slightly above average to slightly below average. You could make two teams out of the Bucks. Watch, I’ll do it. Team A is OJ Mayo, Luke Ridnour, Caron Butler, Ersan Ilyasova, and Larry Sanders. Team B is Brandon Knight, Gary Neal, Carlos Delfino, John Henson, and Zaza Pachulia. Both of those teams, with no substitutions, could beat the Sixers, Jazz, Magic, Kings, Suns, and Celtics on any given night, yet you put team A together with team B and they still won’t make it out of the first round of the playoffs.
DENVER NUGGETS: How big of a dick do you have to be to get fired while having cancer? “Poor George Karl,” thought nobody. It doesn’t matter though, these guys will win 40 games just because of the great home court advantage and their athletic front court. I heard JaVale McGee is going to get a lot more playing time too. I can’t wait to see him dunk the wrong basket or shoot himself in the head with the t-shirt cannon. I think this year will be exciting for them. People will want to see Matt Cale’s Nuggets. That’s a sentence I never thought anyone would write.
PORTLAND TRAILBLAZERS: The Blazers are like the Bucks: They have the depth that you can make two teams out of, except both teams are worse than the Bucks’ teams, which makes them being average at being bad. Yes, that’s logical. Don’t think about it for too long. Just move along.
ATLANTA HAWKS: Jeff Teague is a weird looking dude. Come to think of it, so is Kyle Korver and Gustavo Ayon. I’m not saying that they’re ugly or stupid looking, just weird. They seem like plastic versions of normal looking people. It’s like they’re aliens who took human forms or something. In any case, Paul Millsap is a regular looking dude and so is Al Horford, and they should win a… naw fuck that! I thought about it; Al Horford looks like he could be an undercover alien too. Shit, I just clicked on DeMarre Carroll’s picture. He’s is definitely an alien. These dudes might be playing for planet Cruton or some shit. I have a crazy vibe about them this year. There might be some kind of invasion planned.
DALLAS MAVS: These guys will be awful defensively, but I think they’ll put up enough points to beat bad teams on most nights. That alone makes them better than the rest of the rest of the losers I’m about to name.
TEAMS THAT DREW A PICTURE OF THE TROPHY AND TOOK IT TO THE BATHROOM
CLEVELAND CAVS: Dan Gilbert seems like the kind of dad who gets his kid three hookers on his fifteenth birthday and then wonders why the kid grows up to be a rapist psychopath. I hope Jay-Z buys the team from him in 2040 and then sells it to LeBron for a dollar.
TORONTO RAPTORS: The mayor of Toronto is basically a cross between Chris Anderson and Chris Christie. I’m surprised he hasn’t traded the team for the bone marrow of lupus infected children and a Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast.
CHARLOTTE BOBCATS: You put MKG, Cody Zeller, and Al Jefferson up front with high scoring guards like Kemba Walker, Gerald Henderson and Ben Gordon and you could win a few games. Like I said, a few. At best they contend for an eighth seed. At worst Michael Jordan is slowly becoming known as the worst owner of all time instead of the best player of all time.
LOS ANGELES LAKERS: I just clicked on their depth chart, and you’d think I went to that old tubgirl website. So yeah, it looks like they have Projectile Diarrhea playing small forward. I guess they are officially tanking….tubbing….whatever. That has to be their only excuse. I can’t wait until Kobe comes back from injury and starts scowling at guys like Xavier Henry and Jordan Farmar for playing like Xavier Henry and Jordan Farmar.
SACRAMENTO KINGS: Demarcus Cousins just got paid, and he doesn’t have to listen to anybody. Can we just call him Demarcus Russell now? Who knows, maybe he will take some pride in his craft and listen to Mike Malone and develop into one of the greatest power forwards of all time…..naaah!
UTAH JAZZ: They lost their top two scorers in Paul Millsap and Al Jefferson, but they drafted Trey Burke, and are expecting Derrick Favors and Enes Kanter to blossom into a quality big men. Not to mention Gordon Hayward is pretty fly for a white guy. Combine all that with a pretty good home court advantage and you could have an 8th seed if they were playing in the East. Too bad they’re not. If they get lucky in next year’s lotto, then they could be scary for years to come.
BOSTON CELTICS: Embarrassingly, these green losers could score less than Erik Spolestra and Shane Battier in Ibiza. On a team with virtually no offensive threat besides an inconsistent Jeff Green, I think Brad “Baby Face” Stevens will implement some defensive schemes that will keep his squad in lots of games. I like Avery Bradly and Kelly Olincecum. The other side of that Brooklyn trade might help anchor them as well, and if they get something in the upcoming Rondo trade everyone expects, they could content to get their asses chopped off, cooked, and force fed to them by the Heat in the first round.
TEAMS THAT ARE SELF-DESTRUCTING THIS YEAR TO GET 72 TROPHIES IN THE AFTERLIFE
PHOENIX SUNS: In a league that is known for the best athletes on the planet, Eric Bledsoe stands out amongst them. He might not be a good offensive player or a great passer, but he plays defense like an insecure failure man guarding his thirteen year old nephew in front of his girlfriend. He can shut down the game’s best guards on any given night. His per 48 stats have him averaging 1.7 blocks and 3.4 steals a game, which is right up there with anybody. Other than the point guard and center positions, I’d say the Suns are below average everywhere else. Expect them to get ran over in the West.
ORLANDO MAGIC: Victor Oladipo is one of those humans that makes you proud to be a fellow human. It’s almost as if he is too good to be true: If Orlando ruins him somehow, I will never forgive that them as a staff, record-label, and mother fucking theme park city. Apart from Vic and Afflalo, there is no reason to watch this team except to marvel at the progressively growing neck-fat of Glenn Davis and Jameer Nelson.
PHILADELPHIA 76ERS: The Eagles might actually win more games this year. They released Royce White and Vander Blue. Nerlens Noel won’t play at all this year, and Michael Carter Williams, Thad Young, and Evan Turner are supposed to carry this team to their eight win season. They are clearly hoping to luck out and grab Andrew Wiggin number one in next year’s draft. In related news, I think that it’s safe to say that the Noel-Holiday trade is looking like a genius move by New Orleans. Thank you Philly!