THE METAL GOSPEL

According To Some Guy In Britain

These days I’m a recovering metaholic so my knowledge of recent metal is very limited so here’s my ageing top 20.

20: Saxon The Eagle Has Landed (Live)

Obligatory bad perms and spandex, ugly bass players, guitarists with bad mullets and tashes. The quintessential British metal band.

19: Megadeth Peace Sells… But Who’s Buying?

Yes I know Dave Mustaine gives ginger people a bad name but they did release a couple of good LP’s. The title track rocks. Dave was in Metallica once, don’t you know?

18: Judas Priest Defenders Of The Faith

Definitely the best Gay metal band ever. Ever gayer than those really gay people in The Decline Of Western Civilisation (which is possibly funnier than Spinal Tap cos it’s for real) Beats all the other Priest LP’s cos it’s got “Freewheel Burning” on it.

17: Angel Witch Angel Witch

I bet you’d forgot all about these fuckers. Not me. Drummer Dave Hogg (Dayvog)? Was voted most inappropriately dressed drummer in a band who sing about witches in 1980.

16: Iron Maiden Iron Maiden

Fuck Bruce Dickinson, scag-head Dianno was always the best. Prowler, Running Free, Phantom Of The Opera, Sanctuary, need I go on?

15: Voivod Killing Technology

Holy Shit these guys kicked more butt than a world champion butt kicker in the butt kicking Olympics. They also had the best logo of any band ever except D.R.I

14: Voivod Dimension Hatross

To omit this would be a cardinal sin!

13: Anthrax Spreading The Disease

How can you look at Scott “Not” Ian and not immediately love Anthrax? They introduced the baseball cap to England. We passed on the Indian Head-dress though. A bit overstated for our tastes. Pass the brain and kidney pie?

12: Venom From Hell To The Unknown

These guys were THE blackest metal band ever. I remember seeing them on TV once and this guy in the crowd tried to grab Cronos’s mike stand so he booted his head into row Z. I saw him in a club in Newcastle and kept out of his way cos though he’s only 4 feet tall he’s muscley as fuck and looks so mean he’d make Aleister Crowley shit in his pants. I taped this LP for 4 people in my class and every one of their tapes chewed up and destroyed their cassette decks. SATAN!!!!

11: Slayer Reign In Blood

These guys took up the mantle from Venom as the baddest assed muthas on the planet. I saw a site where you can download the intro to Reign In Blood for your phone the other day. Guess who’s phone wasn’t compatible?

10: Metallica Ride The Lightning

You could tell they were building up to the big one with this. A bit flashier than the first one as Lars actually learnt another drum fill!!! For Whom The Bell Tolls and Creeping Death, Oh Yes, Oh Yes!!!!!!

9: Motorhead No Sleep Till Hammersmith

Basically you were nothing in the Metal world until you’d played the Hammy Odeon. The classic line-up of Lemmy, Fast Eddie and Filthy Phil. Contains the best version of Overkill in my humble opinion. Jonny would swap this with AC/DC, but only just.

8: AC/DC If You Want Blood Live

Yes technically a rock LP but this time I insist.

7: Metallica Master Of Puppets

This LP still rocks today. While good for Jason Newsteads career, Cliff Burton dying was the worst thing to happen to metal since Dio.

6: Black Sabbath Sabbath Bloody Sabbath

Best

5: Black Sabbath Sabotage

Metal

4: Black Sabbath Volume 4

Band

3: Black Sabbath Master Of Reality

In The

2: Black Sabbath Paranoid

World

1: Black Sabbath Black Sabbath

Eveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!!!!!