And Only 1/6th Of You Yanks Have Passports!!

Just wait till Mr. B visits your country…

Well thank fuck for that is all I can say. Last year my fellow countrymen got it in the neck, but this time it’s you fucking Yanks.

I can guarantee that the person seated at the next restaurant table doesn’t really want to listen your banal drawl throughout the course of their meal. I, sitting 7 tables away, DO NOT WANT TO LISTEN TO YOUR BANAL DRAWL THROUGHOUT THE COURSE OF MY MEAL. For fuck sake stop shouting! Do you guys have built in larynx-amplifiers or what? It wouldn’t be so bad if you were saying anything that was half interesting. “I’ve been to Florence, oooo so have I, have you been to Berlin? I’ve been to Berlin, ooo yes I did Berlin last year, next we’re coming over for two weeks and doing London, Paris, Geneva, Milan, Prague, Venice, Vienna and Rome.…… On and fucking on for a whole hour! Sorry no desert or coffee for me pal, I’m off. Just what fuck do you think it is that you’ve done in theses places? Jack fucking shit, that’s what Jonny’s done Prague, but he spent two fucking months there and I’d imagine could have happily stayed another two. I worked in Holland for a month but haven’t even come anywhere close to getting around it all, and that was in a car that regularly did 140mph.

Done? Done my arse!

Three couples came and sat down and after about 30 seconds, looked at the Yanks, rolled their eyes and legged it sharpish [Ed Note: We feel fairly certain that legged it sharpish means they left].

And why can’t you just order some food without the need for the Spanish Inquifuckingsition? “Is that salmon smoked, is it Scottish or Norwegian salmon, I don’t want it if it’s not smoked salmon. What’s in the salad, does that have smoked salmon, I’ll have that if the salmon is smoked but does it have artichokes in it. I’ll take it if the artichokes have been boiled. How big is the salad?”

How big is the fucking salad?

The waitress made her hands into roughly the size of the plate it would come on. “Well how big is that?” Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!, and I didn’t even mention that this stupid yank-cow stuck her fucking nose in my wife’s food and without even acknowledging the Mrs. said to her equally dumb friend, “Ooo, maybe I’ll have a pizza.” Five fucking minutes it took to place a simple order for some soup and a salad. You’re that busy fucking talking you wont even taste it anyways, assholes! You might as well order dogshit on toast.

At no time during the course of my holiday did I hear any American say the words “per favore” or “grazie”. That’s please and thank-you by the way.


I’ve saved the best till last though. We were having lunch at this place in Pisa when a bunch of Yanks arrived at the table behind us. Now these weren’t obnoxious brats like in the previous two examples. Me, Mrs B and HALF OF PISA knew they were teachers from some American university. First off, no please or thank-you. Wankers. Then during the 2000 decibel, 3 week long Spanish inquisition of the menu, the struggling waitress said, “I’m really sorry but I don’t speak very much English.” To which the guy replied, “Oh that doesn’t matter” before proceeding to question her for a further five minutes.


I shit you not, by the time they had ordered, we’d had soup, a pizza, a Latte and two ciggy’s and paid the bill. All they got was a god-damned pizza in the en!. Stupid fucking obnoxious Yank-yank septic tanks, and these were supposedly educated examples.

I can already fly a plane, all I need me now is some fucking box cutters. I’m going back to college!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was going to end there but then I saw some whinge by Erich about taxes. Taxes, I’ll give you fucking taxes. Sales tax 7-8%. What the fuck is that to cry about? Everything you buy in the UK is subject to 17.5% sales tax or “VAT” as we call it. That’s right, more than double yours. Cigarettes, $10 for a pack of 20 Marlbros. Hence why me and thousands of others, get illegally imported ‘baccy from Slovinia. These guys can import it, sell it for half the price and still make a profit.

Try buying a fucking car. A 2litre Ford Focus sets you back $13,300 or something. UK price: £11,000 and the fucking exchange rate is nearly 2 bucks to the pound. Petrol here is, and this is no joke, $5.5 for a US Gallon. 33% of my wages get swiftly removed for tax and National Insurance contributions,

This could literally go on forever. Stop whining and start shooting.


About Mr. B