Hackwatch: Darren Sharper is a phony asshole

sharper rape stats

As a Saints fan, it pains me to say that it appears Darren Sharper is a serial rapist, and I don’t mean he’s got his dick in a box of Captain Crunch. I mean he drugged a bunch of babes and sexually assaulted them like some douchbag perp straight out of Law and Order.

Now I don’t want to sit here and knock Sharper for all the rapes (the media will take care of that). I don’t even want to even knock him for blemishing our Super Bowl season (Roger Goodell took care of that). What I do want to do is knock him for being a phony asshole.

He always knew where the ball was going. He was always in the right place at the right time to make a huge play. You don’t get that way unless you put in hundreds of hours studying film. He also played well into his 30’s, and you certainly don’t do that without being a gym rat. Now if you told me Sharper had a bunch of hobo heads in his freezer or had stolen the Mona Lisa, then I guess I could believe it, but when I first heard he was accused of sexually assaulting unconscious women, I was skeptical. Date rape? It’s so…lazy! Sharper could be a lot of things, but I never imagined him as lazy.

"Your honor, my client was simply intercepting the defendant's consciousness and taking it the the house for the score"

Your honor, my client was simply ‘intercepting’ the defendant’s consciousness and ‘taking it to the house’ for the score

I mean, how much effort is required for an NFL player to get laid these days? Even Richie Incognito had tons of “puss swinging from his nuts” and he looks like a corn-fed Uncle Joey whose farts permeate into the fourth dimension. All I can figure is that Darren Sharper is either extremely lazy or really hates women. I learned (from Law and Order of course) that rape is not about sex. It’s about feeling powerful by feeding off a woman’s fear. It’s a scientific fact that women don’t look fearful while sleeping (unless they’re dreaming about being raped). As a person who took two Psychology courses and watches a lot of Law and Order, I have concluded that Sharper doesn’t hate women; he just hates dealing with them on a non-sexual level.

"I've got so much puss swinging from my nuts"

“I’ve got so much puss swinging from my nuts”

So Sharper just wanted to get his rocks off, and since the Japanese haven’t yet invented a blow up doll realistic enough for his liking, he’d rather just drug and rape ladies whom were nice enough to talk to him. Now that’s a real asshole thing to do because women are people too, and you just can’t stick your dick in them without at least listening to them complain about a co-worker or something. He probably figured they would have fucked him anyway, so he was just fast-forwarding the boring parts and getting right to the good stuff, like how you do when watching a porno. The problem is, life isn’t a porno, and slipping someone an Ambian won’t make the DVD spin faster. Sharper is spitting on the natural order of things! Frankly, I’m insulted, offended and insulted! There you have it people, I’ve finally became an insufferable, hackneyed sportswriter.

"I hope the Japanese make a perfect sex robot so I won't have to hang out with all the beautiful babes all the time"

“I hope the Japanese hurry up. If I have to listen to her talk about Bad Boys II one more time….”

Nobody likes talking to women. It can be humiliating and nerve-wracking, but we do it. We play the game: the witty banter, the flirtatious gestures, the subtle reveals of our own desires and passions. Even in a one-night-stand, our brief primal exchanges are often filled with shame and regret. They are the late night Taco Bell runs of sex, and Darren Sharper somehow found a way to even cheapen that.

About L. Ron Mexico

Ron is a member of Team Ruthless and also runs a satirical website called thepushpole.com You can follow him on twitter here: