True Detective: A Visual Ass Poem

Marty and Rust: Butt Detectives

True Detective was never about the cult, never about the killer, and never about tying up all the loose ends. It was about the destructive power of the human female ass.

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THE OPENING CREDITS

“The solution was right there under my nose…my brown nose.”

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Catchy song. Religious imagery. Butts.

What does it all mean? Simple. Ass is a drug. An obsession. What looks like a playground is really a trojan horse that will cause your life to explode in hellfire.

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Take a look at this next ass. Sweaty. Pawed. Open for business.

And what follows? Detective Marty Hart, peeping that butt, until his face becomes engulfed in flames.

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The message is clear. But there are more revelations.

You know that smoky factory that is shown a million times throughout the series? The one that Marty and Rust never visit, even though it seems like it was set up for the final confrontation?

True Detective Butt

The factory is right up there. Inside an ass. What does this symbolize? That’s right. It’s a fudge factory. We are watching the story of two ass addicts circling a Louisiana fudge factory.

DETECTIVE MARTY HART: ASS OBSESSION IN THE PHYSICAL FORM

“So, uh, sometimes you gotta get your head right…in that ass.”

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Trick question. What’s the only thing Marty likes to eat more than spaghetti? I’m still not sure who The Yellow King is, but we all know who The Brown Crown belongs to.

Marty tells a story early on about a girl sticking a finger up his ass. This ruined him, he explains, and now he “can’t do without it.” Indeed. Marty can’t do much of anything without an ass of some kind being involved.

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When a young girl calls Marty and bluntly asks him to sodomize her, what does he do?

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He licks his lips like a dog anticipating peanut butter.

This is a man with a wife, two daughters, and a string of pedophile cult murders unsolved. But he doesn’t have time for spooning the missus, or telling bedtime stories, or saving lives. Marty’s going to brown town. It’s an addiction that will send his life into a hellish tail-spin.

DETECTIVE RUST COHLE: ASS OBSESSION IN THE MENTAL FORM

“Aluminum. Ass. I’ve tasted it before.”

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Unlike Marty, Rust fights his physical urges. But we know what he wants. Right away, as soon as he finds the dead body of Dora Lange, he’s drawing that ass. Notice how the crack is receiving the most detail and shading? Interesting…

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Rust spends hours in front of a small mirror, staring at one blue eye, wishing it would turn brown.

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Everywhere he goes, Rust looks inside deep swirling holes.

Looks. But doesn’t touch.

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When you start to see imaginary swirly buttholes in the sky, it’s time to get help. Rust doesn’t. And his addiction to ass eventually gets the better of him.

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One night, when Rust is particularly weak, Marty’s wife Maggie tricks him into having revenge sex. But you never bring a rump roast around a rottweiler…

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As James Woods would say, Rust takes a walk up Maggie’s “strada-chocolata.” True, we don’t get a clear confirmation of anal entry, but Maggie’s pale zombie face gives us all the answers we need. Rust has pulled a Marty maneuver, and in turn, he has lost himself to his addiction.

THE FINALE – SEVENTEEN YEARS LATER

“If you ask me, the light’s winning. So…strip club?”

true detective Butt detective.

A marriage has ended, a partnership has crumbled, and a killer has been allowed to merrily molest and butcher children for seventeen years. But our heroes are back. They have overcome their addictions and have decided to actually solve the murder of old what’s her name.

Oh sure, they have a couple of setbacks.

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At the moment of truth, Rust is distracted by an imaginary cosmic butthole, leaving him vulnerable to a knife in the stomach. Whoops!

But at the end of the day, our detectives get their man. And they stop fixating on asses.

So what’s the message? Ass obsession clouds critical thinking, judgment, and common sense. This is why it took Marty and Rust seventeen years to catch a seven foot killer who walks around in plain sight with a burned face. And if you think all of this “ass talk” is just a bunch of nonsense, talk to the creator of True Detective, Nic Pizzolatto.

Here’s Nic in his cameo appearance.

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I rest my case.

About Aaron Mento

Aaron Mento is the writer/director of the horror comedy STANDARDS OF LIVING, the first feature film shot entirely on an iPad. You can watch the film for free:Here
Follow Aaron on Twitter: @AaronMento