Escape Plan

Film Title

Escape Plan

Synopsis

Musclemen in prison acquire big guns to come out.

Director

Mikael Håfström

Cast

Vincent D'Onofrio, Sam Neill, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Some Chick

Tagline:

“No one breaks out alone”

Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence:

Uniting prison factions to escape is fun and exciting.

Homoeroticism:

Confusing levels of man love are present. Arnold and Sly are beefy Daddies on a prison at sea and are made to glisten in a sheen of sweat from solitary confinement sun lamps. However neither of them is ever shirtless and both have had children which implies they have actually bumped uglies with the opposite sex. Sly’s character Ray Breslin does have a woman he runs his security company with who continuously offers to cook for him, but by the end of the film the only meat Ray seems ready to accept is Arnold’s German schnitzel.

Corpse Count:

For an 80’s action throwback the body count is pretty low. Jesus Caveizel, Vinnie Jones, a couple of prisoners, and a handful of guards meet a pretty standard demise over near two hours.

How Bad Is It Really?

If you can buy that Stallone is a mumble mouthed puzzle genius, author, and owner of a multi-million dollar security company then it’s great. But be warned. This selfsame security superman will repeatedly discuss escape plans with Arnold’s character Rottmayer right in front of security guards from THX1138. Also, according to Ray, help from the outside is crucial to any escape. Fortunately the prison has hired Dr. Alan Grant; the most contentious doc for hire in the entire black ops world. It sure is lucky Caveizel’s character Hobbs designed the prison based on Ray’s book, which he keeps on his desk. Then in a scene we don’t see Dr. Grant reads a page from that book to confirm Ray’s identity. Hey if you want tense character moments forget that and just re-watch Arnold in the SHU doing his interpretation of Hitler’s speech at the Nuremburg rally

Post-Mortem One-Liner:

You’d think with this duo of devastation one liners would be dropping like rain in a monsoon, but here again the film gives us blue balls. Sly blows up Hobbs and Arnie gets the only line I can remember which is, “Have a lovely day…asshole”. Yes it has come to this for the Terminator.

Stupid Political Content:

Oh it’s a smorgasbord of War On Terror and the corporate prison complex put in a blender and set to trope. The Tomb is the prison ship Sly and Arnold are on where for a price anyone can be Old Boy’d out of existence. And since this hell at sea is run by “Blackwater types” a waterboarding for the Austrian Oak is in order. Special rendition is bad, the prison system is corrupt, and the sky is blue.

Novelty Death:

None, nada, nothing. The only deaths of any note are caused when Rottmayer pulls a light machine gun off his escape helicopter and mows down guards after a dramatic slo-mo close up of Arnold’s left eye and eyebrow.

What You Learned:

Our 80’s heroes are in desperate need of testicular replacement.

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