Man, I really miss Bumfights. Back when the internet was still a baby, some assholes would give low-IQ degenerates money to humiliate themselves by beating the ally-scum off each other in public. Since that was deemed reprehensible and subsequently banned in 2006, the closest thing we have to Bumfights now is your average congressional race. Especially a Louisiana congressional race.
Congressmen, the Jacksonville Jaguars of politicians, have a dismal 14% approval rating amongst the American public. I should also note that I live in Louisiana’s 6th district, which is like saying my congressman is the third string quarterback of the Jaguars (which is actually a homunculus made from moist dog vomit that the practice squad uses as a tackling dummy).
Since I live on this gerrymandered Rorschach test looking district that is slowly slipping into the Gulf of Mexico at the rate of one football field every hour, I figured I should probably do some research and pick a bum in this fight. No way I’m going to miss out on this interactive game of human depravity. I live for these thrills. Now let’s analyze the mentally ill dirt bags who are chomping at the bit to screw us over for the chance to become lobbyists one day.
THE DEMOCRAT (also known as Inmate Number #03128-095)
This man was born in a year where if you said you had Lou Gehrig’s disease, it meant you couldn’t stop hitting 450 foot home runs. This 87 year old felon is now running for office because that’s the only thing he knows how to do. “Uncle Eddie” as we used to refer to him, is a career politician who represents everything that is wrong with our system of government. Since 1965, he’s basically been in office or in jail. Mail fraud, obstruction of justice, bribery, illegal gambling, and extramarital affairs all threatened to end his political career in the 80’s until a Republican who happened to be a real life Neo-Nazi named David “Why Can’t We Have a White History Month”¯ Duke ran against him. Edwards won, barely. But after his last term as governor, more allegations surfaced, and eventually this polished, charismatic populist crook was convicted on seventeen counts of racketeering, extortion, money laundering, mail fraud, and wire fraud. After serving his time like an OG, he got out on parole and married a woman young enough to be his great grand daughter. They have a newborn baby and reality show together. He is 87 years old. He’s had three wives and a rap sheet long enough to wallpaper his son’s nursery with it. Ladies and Gentlemen, your Democratic nominee!
Quote: Eddie reportedly slept with six women in one night. When campaigning against David Duke, he remarked “The only thing we have in common is we’re both wizards under the sheets.”
Would I Vote For Him: Only if the Republicans nominate another Neo-Nazi
Meet Rufus Craig. He was arrested for weed when he was a 19 year old college student, and like Uncle Eddie, he did some time in the clink. Rufus served about five months before being graciously pardoned by the governor. You’re probably wondering who the governor was back then. Well, it was Edwin Edwards. Now Rufus, a grown up lawyer who wears Bahama shirts and wants to abolish the TSA, is running for congress against the man who freed him from authoritarianism. Politics just doesn’t get any sweeter than that.
Now I’m always a little skeptical of Libertarians… here is a tweet that sums up most of my thoughts:
I was kind of pleased to learn that old Reefus here is a Buddhist, and I’m pretty sure Buddhists can’t be racist. At least that’s what Yahoo Answers told me. A Salon article also said that Buddhists can’t be Libertarians either, so now I don’t know what to think. Well, Mr. Craig might be able to live in a society where old people survive on dog food, and Malaysia Airlines conducts its own security, but he also wants to end the War on Drugs and the War on Terror, and that’s kind of refreshing. He also seems to realize how hard it is to replace these career politicians…while not exactly understanding how hookers work.
Quote: “Once you get elected, the incumbent’s almost impossible to defeat unless you take a picture of your dick and send it to a hooker in Vegas.”¯
Would I Vote For Him: If he promises to protect the environment and social security as staunchly as weed.
THE TEA PARTY CANDIDATE
David Wasserman called her “the most frightening candidate I’ve met in seven years,” but to me she’s just your average Fox News mom who’s popularity quest catapulted her onto the perpetual campaign machine. She’s not frightening. She’s not threatening. She’s a red state ambition lady that owns a dance studio who just wants to be pantsuit powerful. Yes, she loves guns, doesn’t believe in global warming, and hates the government. Please, this is South Louisiana. I’ve got aunts crazier than she is, and I’ve got the email forwards to prove it. Don’t get me wrong, Lenar’s Twitter feed is littered with the rhetoric of a disillusioned dance queen demagogue. Here are a few gems:
Libertarian Rufus wants to end the War on Drugs and the War on Terror, but Tea Party Lenar actually wants to end the War on Poverty. Yes, these poor people had their chance with our tax money, but they blew it. Now it’s time to lock-n-load and wait for the hoards of hungry liberals to raid our refrigerators so we can mow them down. That’s why we are polishing our weapons on the kitchen table. And the cherry on top is quoting Carl Sagan to repudiate global warming.
But guys, it gets better. She has a four minute video where she claims global warming is a myth. She says the earth is actually getting cooler. In her defense, September is here, and it’s cooler than August. Maybe she’s on to something.
Quote: “Any 10 year old can invalidate their thesis with one of the simplest scientific devices known to man, a thermometer.”
And then she holds up a medical thermometer instead of a climate thermometer. It’s funny because a ten year old would probably know the difference. The one she’s holding only goes from 95-108 Fahrenheit. Any child would know that sometimes it gets lower than 95 degrees, especially since the earth is actually getting cooler, right? Maybe Lenar has so much faith in children because they’re constantly baffling her with wondrous feats, like Timmy, who slid his thumb right off of his hand and then reattached it. Lenar then tried to get Timmy listed as her personal care physician, but Obamacare wouldn’t let it happen! Did I ever tell you guys about the time Lenar spent the rest of the day digging in her ear after little Emma pulled a quarter out of it? Lenar thinks Emma might be able to balance the budget, yall.
The horror in all of this is that global warming is one of the biggest factors in Louisiana’s land loss.
Are you seeing the hilarity here? If Lenar wins, she won’t even have a district to represent one day. Eventually, the 6th district will be submerged into the Gulf of Mexico, but maybe a ten year old will just throw a bunch of vinegar and baking soda into the water and create a volcano that will build more land for us.
I’m sure her handlers will write this off as just a liberal attack in the war on women, which is fine. I happen to think I’m a conservative because I want to conserve our planet, and I happen to think Lenar is smarter than all of the men that will vote for her.
Would I Vote For Her: Probably not since I just put a thermometer in my mouth, and it said my IQ was 98!
There are a handful of wacky GOP candidates in this race, so I just took the three that have a shot at winning: Dan Claitor, Paul Dietzel, and Garret Graves. After intense research, I cannot find any substantial difference in their policies, plans, or philosophies. They just hammer away on the three main Republican talking points: guns, god, and gubment. If they’re going to dumb it down, I’m going to have to judge them on form as well as their records. So here we go!
Guns: Garret Graves wins by taking it to another level. It’s not just about how much you love guns, it’s about how good you are at guns. Graves’ radio ads boast of him being an expert marksman, which is a really important skill for people who influence laws. Personally, I think whomever wins the next season of Top Shot should get to be president.
God: While everybody here is a pro-life, anti-gay Christ-cherishing conservative cross worshiper, Dietzel wins this hands down with endorsements from bible-thumpers Mike Huckabee and Herman Cain. He also got his own pastor to endorse him on Youtube.
Gubment: If there’s one thing conservatives hate, it’s big gubment getting in the way of small businessman like Chevron and Texaco who are just trying to make a living. All three of these candidates endlessly bloviate about how they will stop Obama from invading America or something. Claitor is the only one who goes out of his way to mention bailouts and the income disparity between Wall Street and Main Street, but that sounds a little too much like class warfare if you ask me. Look at commie Claitor over here taking shots at big business, holding only a shotgun like some Joe Biden democrat. If you go hard on bankers, Dan, you better bring a bazooka.
Meanwhile, Dietzel promises to overturn Obamacare, which has only been attempted 54 times. He also wants to repeal the Frank Dodd Wall Street Consumer Protection Act, which attempts to regulate the banking industry after the great collapse of 2009. You remember; it was that time we all had to cancel cable and shop at K-mart for like three years. According to Dietzel, capitalism means giving Wall Street enough rope to autoerotically asphyxiate itself to death while congress is charged with making it look like a heart attack instead.
Graves, a career ballot-sniffer who has toiled in government and politics most of his adult life (even with the Democrats), tries to overcompensate for this by coming down extra hard on politicians and government in a barrage of ads that make him look like the messiah to Obama’s anti-Christ. He is my clear winner in the war on gubment. In a power-point presentation, he shows a picture of a flooded Washington D.C. and jokes, “That’s not so bad huh, lets wipe them off the map!”¯ Approved buzz-wordy messages rattle on about big gubment and Obungler’s”radical agenda”¯ threatening our “constitutional freedoms.”¯ The cleanup starts now, and Graves is the man holding the justice broom, which will repeal Obamacare, balance the budget, stop illegal immigration, create jobs, and give the power back to the states. Are these just ordinary, hollow campaign promises, or are these delusions of grandeur from someone who is basically auditioning to be an overpaid tackling dummy?
Winner: After careful consideration, I think Garret Graves wins the form category. He’s the perfectly coiffed conservative candidate. He has a photogenic family appearing in his ads. He holds a gun with the stern delicacy that God intended. There are hundreds of pictures of him playing business casual hardhat man earnestly pointing at things. He can exploit the atmosphere of Obama-hate while at the same time appearing congenial and authentic. The man has a gift…and not to mention the biggest war-chest in the entire congressional field. More on that later.
Records and Experience Category
If we disregard superficiality and only analyze the candidates’ records and experience, the comedy gods just keep on giving. Paul Dietzel was a computer geek. He invented Anedot, which is an app that lets you give money to politicians, so then he became a politician, and then ran on the premise that he was a technological entrepreneur. Paul may have created the first political perpetual motion machine. He’s truly a job creator in that he created a job for himself that runs on the fact that he created a job for himself. It’s like being famous for being famous.
Claitor was an assistant district attorney, just like the blond ladies on Law And Order SVU. He says he supports stuff like “maximum freedom”¯ but also wants first time heroin dealers to receive a 99 year sentence. He says all the illegal immigrant children will probably be used in the sex industry here, so he wants to send them back to Mexicoland. You know, where it’s safe. He is also a state senator and voted to make it illegal to sue oil companies for turning the wetlands into Swiss cheese.
Garret Graves, head of the Coastal Protection and Recovery Authority, agreed with Claitor. That’s right; the man who was in charge of an environmental agency actually became the leading spokesman against an environmental lawsuit. Graves staunchly opposed any attempt to force the oil companies to repair the damage they were responsible for, but no one in the media questioned whether it was even appropriate for a state employee charged with restoring the coast to blatantly lobby for the oil companies. It didn’t make any sense…until he quit his job and ran for congress. Did I mention he has received more campaign funds than almost all the other candidates combined. It’s probably just a coincidence. Check out this two minute video of him defending the oil companies.
But Graves is still running as the coastal candidate, promising to restore our wetlands. He boasts about starting his own non-profit called the Coastal Sustainability Foundation, and people in real life publications write sentences like this about him:
What you are looking at is four people who run this non-profit. We have Garret Graves, the politician. Christel Slaughter is an accomplished business consultant who also happens to be his campaign treasurer. Ted Falgout is a wealthy businessman who was president of the South Central Industrial Association, which is a group that oilfield companies use for promotion and influence. Lastly, we have Democratic political consultant James Carville. I should note that Republican Mary Matalin, Carville’s wife, has been throwing rallies and raising funds for Graves all year.
I mean what’s more likely, the Coastal Sustainability Foundation actually rebuilds the wetlands, or it’s just the arm of a larger politico-industrial machine?
I’m not saying Graves is a monster who wants us all to sink into the ocean. He did some good things as head of the CPRA, but judging from his rhetoric, record, and actions, it looks like he believes coastal erosion can’t be solved with environmental regulations or governmental oversight. Only the benevolent grace and financial backing of big oil will be able to save us. Hey, since we rebuilt Iraq with the oil profits just like we planned, why can’t we rebuild the wetlands with them too, right? Sounds genius! Also, if we have another spill, can we count the giant oil flume floating off our coast as land? That’s one way to add barrier islands.
I’m betting Graves eventually wins the republican primary and crushes Edwards in a runoff later this year. But it’s not like it matters. Whomever wins is just going to be a suit filled with shit holding a suitcase filled with money.
Quote: “It had no bearing. My decision to resign was made months ago,”¯ said Graves when asked if his resignation from the Coastal Protection and Recovery Authority had anything to do with his bid for congress.
Would I Vote For Him: Not unless my entire family is murdered by dolphins
So there you have it; one of those people will be our next congressman whether we like it or not. It’s depressing, but it’s got me wondering: Since corporations have been deemed people, can we just vote one into congress? I’m serious. Let’s just cut out the middleman and inject some transparency and accountability into the political process by turning our puppeteers into our direct representatives. Then, we will know exactly who to blame when we are underwater, unemployed, or under surveillance. Every congressman votes the party line, which is usually influenced by corporate interests anyway. Each November, we are inundated with photogenic fools who overestimate their intelligence while insulting ours; they endlessly pander to the worst parts of our humanity, desperately trying to transform our anger, greed, and fears into their summer homes. No, a corporation technically isn’t a human being, but I could argue the same about Lenar Whitney or Garret Graves. I’d rather live under the reign of a gas station logo in my sinking polluted petrol-colony than pull a lever that gives some yard-sign with a God complex the power to lie to me about it.
Leave it to Louisiana politics to make one contemplate the merits of unfettered fascism. This isn’t a congressional race; it’s merely a government sponsored popularity contest that the corporations will use to appoint their next public liaison officer.