Roger Marshall pushed his accelerator a little deeper into the floor as a cold bead of sweat dripped from his temple. He was now dangerously twelve miles over the speed limit. He was street racing again. His opponent, a liter of explosive diarrhea, was tearing around the last bend of his lower intestine just as Roger navigated around the last bend of his journey. It was now a half mile straight-away to his studio apartment. That’s when the flashing lights caught his attention. Roger quickly pulled over and prayed for a miracle. As the officer approached, Roger desperately pleaded, “Sir, I’m sorry. It’s kind of an emergency. I’m about to shit myself!” Officer Greg Wilson, who had just eaten Taco Bell, joked he completely understood the predicament and even offered to give Roger an escort. Shorty after, Officer Wilson was tearing down the highway at 80MPH while Roger’s Chevy Aveo tried to keep up. As they approached the apartment, Roger began to fumble with his keys, so Officer Wilson violently kicked in the door and ran straight into the bathroom while Roger stood there stunned, clenching his butt cheeks in horror. Officer Wilson mounted the man’s toilet and proceeded to expel an unflushable two pound coil of feces that breached the water level and unleashed a repugnant stench throughout the 400 square foot apartment. Fifteen minutes later, after Roger was already forced to defecate into his own kitchen sink, Officer Wilson exited the bathroom and handed him a speeding ticket that he apparently had written while using the man’s commode.
Recently, shirtless Youtube sensation Prince EA offered fool proof advice for winning every argument ever. His secret technique? The choke hold. “It’s simple,” Prince argues, “if your opponent can’t breath, he can’t argue…if he can’t argue, he can’t win.” This advice has proven to be very effective as the bodies of hundreds of argument losers have been turning up all over the country.
Jordan Hillman had just knocked Betty Heston to the ground as he tore her purse from under her arm. He hurdled a bench, rounded a corner, and resumed sprinting. It appeared he would get away with the woman’s belongings until he was suddenly clothes-lined by a walking cane. The young punk was immediately launched into a backwards somersault. The purse flew into the air and was caught by 76 year old Navy veteran Ralph Bell. He then grabbed a disorientated Hillman by the collar and yelled, “Thug life, bitch!” before delivering a backhanded slap to the face of the would-be thief. Mr. Bell then emptied the purse of all valuables before chucking it into a nearby dumpster and limping away. Authorities tried tracking Mr. Bell down using records from the VA hospital, but the address they were given was over twenty years old. They’ve set up a sting operation for his next appointment, which is March 17th 2018.
A recent poll was conducted to determine which episode of Friends was America’s favorite. An overwhelming majority said that their favorite episode was when the main star, Marcel, was finally accepted by the San Diego Zoo. Viewers of the show were overwhelmed with joy as Marcel was finally was able to escape six of the most boring and awful primates in the Manhattan area, who had held him captive in their lair, forcing him to observe their petty bickering and inter-troop breeding for what felt like an eternity.
Feds, they love illegals. No doubt about it. Every last one of them can’t stop importing illegal Mexicans just to piss you off. The Feds are trying to murder you by giving you an anger-induced heart attack. Their latest attempt is where they offer guitar lessons to the detained children of illegal immigrants for the sole purpose of destroying your happiness. The feds then sit around in tax payer funded mansions listening to the mariachi geniuses that they created with your hard-earned tax money. How dare a handful of children be given healthy ways to better themselves while locked up for having paperless parents! That’s not how the prison-industrial complex is supposed to work. That tax money should be given to the shareholders of the prison company, not be used to benefit vulnerable, scared children.
Citizens of Carthage, Texas banded together in a display of civil harmony that restored their faith in the American dream. The town had been in steady decline for decades, and when the local Wal Mart went out of business, something drastic had to be done. The town decided to creating something so magnificent, people would be reminded of the picturesque, thriving metropolis that once existed here. They took the abandoned Wal Mart and turned it into an abandoned K-Mart. “All it took was some red paint and a few hundred rats!” exclaimed volunteer Chad Phillips. Mayor Edward Wilson went on to elaborate, “When the K-Mart went out of business back in 1992, the town was at its peak. The Wal Mart had just been built, and cheap, foreign-made products were flying off the shelves! They quickly put K-Mart and the mom and pop stores out of business.” Just then, Claude Graham, the once overwhelmed owner of a hardware store interrupted the mayor and said, “Looking at this dilapidated K-Mart brings tears to my eyes. I remember the day Wal Mart came here and removed the responsibility of business ownership from everyone. Our big blue friend stepped in and took away that burden forever. K-Mart had been trying, but they were too inept and disorganized. Being able to recreate the rotting corpse of a big box store that was slayed by Wal Mart really reminds folks around here of simpler, happier times.”
1.) Wise men listen with their gut. Give your gut a boost by swallowing your grandfather’s hearing aid.
2.) Secretly record every conversation you have. Replay the conversations late at night while you are painting your figurines.
3.) Jumping inside a dumpster fire will usually singe off any unwanted ear hair, allowing you to hear better.
4.) People communicate mostly through dress. Pedestrians wearing a T-shirt with a saying on it are desperately trying to tell you something. You should probably engage these interesting people in meaningful conversation.
5.) Show your friends you’re serious about becoming a good listener by wearing a necklace made out of human ears.
That’s right, this wasn’t a trick or taken out of context at all, Paul Joseph Watson went to a college and asked progressives if they wanted to kill babies, and some of them said yes. He didn’t ask them if they were progressives first, the fact that they want to kill babies automatically makes them progressives. It’s a known fact that progressives’ number one agenda is infanticide. It’s really hard to persuade clueless carelord college kids to sign a social justice clipboard, so they must have all been very cognizant that they were advocating the deaths of toddlers everywhere. This shocking footage just illustrates that anyone who goes to college or is gullible enough to sign a petition will probably be converted into a trained killer by Obama’s death squads. By next week, they will be kicking in your doors to take your guns and/or murder your children with ebola and chemtrails. Please buy a 130 dollar bottle of DNA Force from the Infowars store to protect yourself.
Thug teens want you DEAD! All of them are out to knockout game you into an early grave. They’ll try and steal your grandfather’s war metals and melt them down into rims for their flashy cars! In Obama’s America, you’re a lunatic if you leave your house without your gun! These sagging-pant murderers roam the streets everywhere looking for sheeple. Don’t be a victim. Keep your piece locked and loaded at all times. Don’t be dissuaded by “school zones” or “government buildings.” It’s a known fact that thug teens regularly attend school and love the government, so they will try and use discriminatory anti-gun zones for their advantage of not being murdered by you. Don’t fall for their tricks. You can bring a gun anywhere. It’s in the constitution. Remember, it’s better to be judged by a jury of your gun-loving peers than be carried back to your car after receiving a broken nose from a terrified teen.
Two years ago, paranormal investigator Brendan Bordan underwent a frightening experience while exploring the house of a deceased ax murderer. “I was just sitting there calibrating my Geiger meter when I was overcome by something…something terrible. I let out a blood curdling scream for help,” Brendan explained. “My colleagues found me upstairs, alone, foaming at the mouth.” After that day, Brendan quit working with the paranormal all together. He pawned his night vision goggles, unfrosted his tips, and enrolled in a technical college. Two years later, he finally found the courage to talk about what happened to him that fateful day. Brenden barely speaks of his old life, but when he does, it’s with hushed tones and great delicacy. He recalls, “While alone upstairs fiddling with my equipment, I passed in front of an antique mirror. A terrifying figure appeared. It was that of a 36 year old self-proclaimed ghost-hunter with no transferable skills who was living on his best friend’s couch. After seeing something so repulsive, I decided I just didn’t have the stomach for that sort of work anymore.” Brendan now rents an apartment, has a steady girlfriend, and works as an A/C repairman. His new circle of friends has no idea about the horrific vision that confronted him in that house two years ago.