Breaking News: Tom Benson Dead as of July of 2012

 

weekend at bensons poster1 tom benson dead

 

Tom Benson Dead and Loving It

Today, authorities discovered that Tom Benson has actually been deadsince July of 2012. He had just invited Gayle Benson (his wife) and Rita Benson Leblanc (his granddaughter) to join him at his camp in Grand Isle for the weekend.

When Gayle and Rita showed up, they realized that Tom had died peacefully under his favorite umbrella, staring out into the Gulf of Mexico.

Gayle wanted to contact the authorities right away, but Rita protested. She complained that the exciting weekend they planned would be ruined by her grandfather’s death. Gayle agreed. The two promised each other that they would call the cops first thing Monday morning.

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“Lookin good, Mr. Benson!”

The duo pulled Mr. Benson around Grand Isle in the back of a wagon as beach goers waved and saluted him. A few people even approached Tom and held entire conversations with him, unaware that he had died hours earlier. Over the course of the weekend, Mr. Benson entertained party guests, went hydro-sliding, and somehow even won the Tarpon Rodeo.

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“Tom, I’ve never seen you so relaxed before.”

Later that weekend, Rita and Gayle discovered Tom’s last will and testament. It turns out, he didn’t trust either one of them to run the Saints or Pelicans. Instead, he left both franchises to former wide receiver Joe Horn, writing, I gave him a goal post, and he took out a cell phone. Now I’m giving him my entire ass, just imagine what he can pull out of it. Go crazy Joe! Who Dat!

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“Keep waving, Grampaw. My trust fund depends on it.”

 

Not wanting to jeopardize their lives of luxury, Rita and Gayle decided to keep the charade going. Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. Months turned into years. No one ever noticed that Mr. Benson was deceased. The two women set up elaborate mechanisms attached to his limbs to mimic voluntary movement. Everything from fishing twine to shoe laces were used to keep Tom’s decaying corpse flailing around. Because of Mr. Benson’s age and financial status, no one dared question any strange movements or smells coming from his body.

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“Kind of late for a swim, ay Tom?”

Things started to fall apart last month when the two women began bickering about who would ultimately ascend to power. Their friendship quickly deteriorated, and Gayle claimed Tom cut Rita out of his will. Rita claimed Tom was senile, and Gayle was manipulating him. Legal teams assembled and jabs were taken in the press.

Things escalated, and Rita eventually stole Tom’s corpse. Gayle reported the kidnapping, telling NOPD that Rita was holding Tom hostage inside of her Lakeview home. SWAT waited for the cover of darkness and raided the home wearing heat vision goggles. Rita was startled and tried to claim that Mr. Benson was fine, but his heat signature, or lack thereof, made officers suspicious.

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“He’s FINE! You can leave now.”

After detectives interviewed the women, the truth came out. The original will and testament have been handed over to authorities, and all of Benson’s holdings are currently being transferred to Joe Horn. Both Gayle Benson and Rita Benson Leblanc are facing a multitude of charges. Their lawyers are requesting the public respect their privacy in these difficult times.

About L. Ron Mexico

Ron is a member of Team Ruthless and also runs a satirical website called thepushpole.com You can follow him on twitter here:

@LRonMexico