It’s time to review another terrible computer game, folks, and I’m going all out this time! In this episode of Vidja Game Hell, get ready for 4 (!) of the worst computer games ever made! Yes, worse than Tongue of the Fatman / Mondu’s Fight Palace / Slaughtersport / At Least I Can Use This As An Extra Floppy Disk!
Condemned by the State Department as an indoctrination tool developed by Al Qaeda for “terrorist children”, it’s Quest For Bush / Night of Bush Capturing, a game where the goal is to murder the 43rd President of the United States of America!
That’s right: Al Qaeda allegedly developed a game that allows the player to do what that infamous pretzel could not. And by “developed”, I mean “changed a half dozen textures in an existing piece of shit game called Quest For Saddam, which was about murdering Saddam Hussein.” They also added in some bitchin’ terrorist music to shoot Americans to, but more on that later!
Anyway, I’m not sure this needs much more of an introduction. I mean, “A game where you shoot (a poorly-mapped 3D model of) George W. Bush” pretty much speaks for itself. Let’s just dive right in, shall we?
When Chris Kyle saw the aftermath of the Nairobi Embassy Bombing on TV, he enlisted in the SEALs the next day. Kyle went on to obtain the highest official kill count of any American Sniper, and was immortalized in the film American Sniper, which was about a sniper who happens to be American, and not about a sniper who snipes at Americans. Imagine my confusion! Imagine me falling asleep after watching the first 30 minutes last night once I realized that Sienna Miller wasn’t going to show her tits!
Anyway, I’m sure it was a great film, or something. Please don’t tell me that I hate America. I already know!
Now, while Chris Kyle was single-handedly redefining American manhood and making young lasses across this great nation less likely to sit on your non-SEAL face, another man was preparing his own gift to this country. As the Towers fell that fateful September morning, gears started to turn in his mind. Sure, they didn’t turn all that fast, and they clanked loudly at times, but they turned, god dammit. They turned! And as they did, a brilliant vision slowly came into focus. The man came to see with astonishing clarity the gift that he, and he alone, could give to his country. He had heard his calling, and like Kyle, there was nothing that could stop him from realizing his destiny. For when a man has been reborn under America and under God, and has become one with the Immutable Truth, what could ever possibly dissuade him?
The man was Jesse Petrilla. The gift came in a set of three (much like that delivered to Jesus Christ upon his birth): Quest For Al Qaeda, Quest For Hussein, and Quest For Saddam. They were computer games that allowed the player to kill two men that had been declared America’s worst enemies: Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. Here, the American people could find absolution. Here, the American people could find peace. If Chris Kyle protected us abroad, then Jesse Petrilla protected us at home, on our computers, in between rounds of masturbating to Veronica Zemanova (or whatever it was you did in 2002 / 2003).
For those who’ve forgotten, it was a scary world of color-coded DHS terror alert levels, John Ashcroft demanding more clothing on female statues, and no YouTube. How could we ever make it through such a trying time? Was Quest For Saddam heaven-sent to guide us through those years safely and securely? Well, let’s hear it from Mr. Petrilla himself:
Now, everything you heard in that clip about Mr. Petrilla being a “legit” game designer was a lie. Everything you heard about Quest For Saddam being anything other than a complete piece of shit was a lie. It’s not like such journalistic inaccuracies are surprising, though. Hell, I’m still mad about a local reporter referring to Sega as “See-guh” way back in 1993 during the Mortal Kombat controversy. The nerve!
Quest For Al Qaeda and Quest For Hussein are short games (3 and 6 levels, respectively) made with the Build Engine, which was also used for Duke Nukem 3D, Blood, Shadow Warrior, and everyone’s favorite, TekWar! However, Quest For Al Qaeda and Quest For Hussein weren’t, uh, how do we put this… officially licensed. They’re basically just TCs of Duke Nukem 3D that were distributed as standalone products. This is technically violating the license agreement for the Build Engine and for Duke Nukem 3D (to my knowledge), but since these games were released in 2002, it’s likely that 3D Realms and/or Ken Silverman didn’t know or care at that point.
Note that Jesse Petrilla also released the 3 level long Plunder and Pillage, a pirate-themed FPS using the Build Engine, prior to Quest For Al Qaeda and Quest For Hussein. Hey, he beat the Pirates of the Caribbean fad by a whole year! That’s got to count for something!
Quest For Saddam was released in 2003. It is a remake of Quest For Hussein, and uses the Torque Engine instead of the Build Engine. This allows the game to display full polygonal 3D graphics, though it still looks like total shit compared to any other FPS ever made. For some reason, Jesse Petrilla apparently charged $15 for this game, even though it only has 6 levels, 1 enemy type, and completely sucks.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: what does any of this have to do with George W. Bush?
Well, in 2006, a group calling themselves the “Global Islamic Media Front” took Quest For Saddam, changed some of the graphics, removed all of the English soundbites, added in new music, and released the game for free under the title Quest For Bush / Night of Bush Capturing. It is the exact same game as Quest For Saddam aside from these minor cosmetic changes. I’m not entirely sure of its precise release date, but I presume that it was released in response to Saddam Hussein’s execution. Then again, Saddam Hussein wasn’t exactly a big fan of Islamic Fundamentalism, so who knows? At any rate, Quest For Bush completely sucks for the same reasons that the original did, and it sounds more like a belated sequel to the Leisure Suit Larry or Spellcasting series than a terrorist FPS, but it does provide an interesting counterpoint to all of this madness.
See, Al Qaeda’s mission to kill Bush and Bush’s mission to kill Saddam Hussein were like, the same, man. Deep!
Jesse Petrilla apparently joined the State Department in condemning Quest For Bush, as it uses the work he did on Quest For Saddam without permission. This is amusing, because Petrilla himself used work done on Duke Nukem 3D (and elsewhere) without permission in his own games. Though, we could also join the chorus of Amiga gamers who note that Duke Nukem 1 ripped off a few graphics from Turrican, but the night is young, and we’ve so much left to learn!
Mixed up in all of this is something called Virtual Jihadi, which is apparently a mod of Night of Bush Capturing and an avant garde thinkpiece where you play as a suicide bomber. For those keeping track, that makes it a mod of a mod of a remake of a sequel to a piece of shit. I haven’t played it, I’m afraid. I don’t have that much time on my hands! God!
So where are all of these people now? Well, George W. Bush has found a new life as a painter of dogs. Saddam Hussein was executed by hanging, though, in the parlance of our times, he went out like a gangsta. Osama Bin Laden died of laughter during a showing of Zero Dark Thirty. And Jesse Petrilla is apparently a city councilman in Rancho Santa Margarita in beautiful Orange County, CA.
Iraq’s still kind of a mess, though.
They’re complete shit.
Quest For Al Qaeda and Quest For Hussein are more playable than the other ones, as they use the venerable Build Engine. Quest For Saddam and Quest For Bush, on the other hand, have some of the strangest physics I’ve ever seen in an FPS. Simple things, like jumping on top of a box, become a chore due to the game’s incompetent programming. Sometimes, doors can only be opened by pressing the Use key on their right or left side, and not the other. These aren’t always doors that swing open, either; they’re just standard “slide into the wall” Quake-style doors. Honestly, folks, I have no idea how to describe the feelings I experienced while playing through these games.
I’m certainly going to write thousands of words trying, though! Don’t you worry!
Aside from the issues with the gameplay, controls, graphics, and sound, Petrilla’s games are full of bottom-of-the-barrel, All-American racism and stupidity. Glass parking lots are referenced. The Iraqi enemies make hollering noises similar to the American Indians in old Westerns. Quest For Hussein has a difficulty setting titled, “So Damn Insane”. It’s a journey into the mind of a racist idiot and into the depths of the American soul.
Maybe Mr. Petrilla is right, though. Maybe the Iraqi people are innately savages. I mean, here’s a picture from Baghdad University in the 1970s. Look at this madhouse!
The remake of the remake, Quest For Bush, removes all of the “humor” and adds in background music that sounds like it emanates from the depths of Samantha Lewthwaite’s vagina. The music is fantastically terrible and makes the game worth the price of admission ($0) by itself. What can I say? It’s got a real nice “wailing of the damned” feeling to it, and makes you want to fly a missile into the Pentagon.
On the bright side, all of these games are pretty short, and blazing through their 6 levels can be done in well under an hour. That’s… the only positive thing I can think of saying in response to these games.
I think it’s time to begin our journey, guys! The Quest For Bush level names will be listed in bold, and the original Quest For Saddam level names will be listed in parentheses. Prepare Yourself.
Oh yeah, before we start: I found this picture of George W. Bush’s daughter Barbara on the Internet while obtaining pictures for this review. I’ve developed a game that is better than all 4 of these games combined. Take a long look at this picture. The game is called, “Count The Pussies!”
My answer was, “At least two”.
Level 1: Jihad Beginning (Huminummadad)
Our Night of Bush Capturing begins in broad daylight. Were you expecting anything better?
Anyway, welcome to the “American Camp”! We’ve got George W. Bush flanked by the Stars & Stripes, just in case English isn’t our first language and we can’t read the sign. This is the first thing we see in the game, and it summarizes the entirety of what follows in a single image. It looks shitty, the level design fully embraces the “just place shit everywhere” philosophy, and we’ve got the finest image of George W. Bush that Altavista could find. Let’s roll!
Throughout Quest For Bush, we see pictures of various politicians and religious leaders that its creator(s) were not overly fond of. This is supposed to mean something. I’m not sure what it means, but it means something! It’s all very reminiscent of those terrible 1-level Doom II WADs that feature softcore pornography as wall textures. This is the radical Islam version of that, apparently. Here it is, folks! Gaze into the mind of the 14 year old terrorista!
By the way, here’s the same building in Quest For Saddam, where it is more clearly intended to depict a mosque. To the right, we have another photo of Saddam Hussein along with the phrase, “Huminummanumma”. I don’t know what this means, but I’m like 100% sure that it’s racist.
When the level starts in Quest For Saddam, the player’s character exclaims, “I’m coming to get you, Suh-damn! And there’s no place to hide!” The italicized portion is delivered in a shitty, half-assed Sean Connery accent, because why not?
The interior of the mosque in Quest For Bush is a shrine to Bush and Rumsfeld. We’re on hallowed ground. This is where Bristol Palin lost her virginity!
I’d like to apologize for the mouse cursor in the middle of these screenshots, by the way. I was unable to determine if Quest For Bush had its own internal screenshot key, like all quality pieces of software, and had to resort to manually using the “Print Screen” key. I still feel unclean.
Here’s the original interior of the mosque in Quest For Saddam. I’ve got to say that Saddam looks pretty boss on that throne. There’s no way W could have ever pulled that look off!
Quest For Saddam also includes a “Thank You, Come Again” sign at the exit of the mosque. Is it a commentary on the commoditization of religion? By comparing the mosque to a 7-Eleven, are we implying that religion can only ever be in our lives a maximum of 16 hours per day? Or is it the result of the creator of this game being a dumbshit racist? So many questions, so few answers!
At the back of the mosque, there is a small room with one of the keys needed to exit the level. Here, we see a place where the creator(s) of Quest For Bush forgot to replace one of Mr. Petrilla’s racist “Huminumma” signs. There’s a lot of content in this shot. The juxtaposition between the idiotic racism on the left and the anti-American sentiment on the right is quite striking. To quote George Lucas, “It’s like poetry. They rhyme.”
Also, that shotgun is terrible-looking and I hated having to look at it throughout both of these games. That is all.
This map of Iraq appears in both games. In Quest For Saddam, the player character asks, “Is that sandpaper, or a map of Iraq?” in a terrible Sean Connery accent. I’m still waiting for the punchline, I’m afraid.
Seriously, though, it’s quite clearly a map of Iraq. Why would it be sandpaper? Is Mr. Petrilla insulting Iraq for having deserts? What does that even mean? All I know is, he better not start shit-talking Palm Springs! If he does, I’m sending him a strongly-worded letter! You might laugh at that letter, but I ask you: who is the bigger asshole, the guy who sends a strongly-worded letter, or the guy who massacres hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians for no reason?
I kid, I kid. The “sandpaper” joke was a real knee-slapper, Jesse. Good job.
There is a tampon dispenser available in both games. I don’t know why. It doesn’t work though, which is a damned travesty if I ever saw one. How am I supposed to hunt for Bush without a tampon? I might start attracting bears!
(Do they have bears in Iraq? Don’t answer that.)
That pedestal sure looks lonely, doesn’t it? The creator(s) of Quest For Bush apparently couldn’t think of a suitable replacement for what was originally there, so they half-removed it. Here is the original, for comparison:
That’s right, it’s the infamous statue of Saddam! Remember that glorious moment when the statue fell and Iraq became a peaceful democratic republic 12 years ago? Now you can relive it over and over! Your grandmother’s commemorative plates ain’t got shit on this!
When you shoot the statue, the player character quips, “Ho ho! So much for false idols!” Then the statue tips over and comes to rest upon the air itself, defying all laws of physics and demonstrating the depths of laziness and incompetence behind the creation of this game. It’s enough to bring a single tear to the eye, isn’t it?
Level 2: A Day At The Desert (A Day At The Beach)
Level 2 starts off much less spectacularly than Level 1. I mean, Level 1 had some explosive barrels right by the entrance that you could use to blow up two American pigdogs right off the bat! Level 2 starts you off in a boring sand-canyon (?), and you have to shoot the Americans around the corner yourself. God, guys, this is just so much effort. Sometimes, I don’t even know why I get up in the morning!
A switch opens a silo door, and we fall into the next part of the level, taking damage when we hit the ground. That’s right, guys, we’ve found that hallmark of shitty FPSs everywhere: unavoidable falling damage! YES!
Those two Americans are apparently trapped by the bulletproof chainlink fence. We’ll have to walk around the long way to take them down. For great justice.
The VX nerve gas crates have “Made In France” printed on them, because France was secretly behind Saddam Hussein’s brutal dictatorship, or something. I think Mr. Petrilla is mixing up the Oil For Food “scandal”, where it turned out that France was sending food to Iraq in exchange for oil, with the fact that the United States supplied arms to Saddam Hussein in the 1980s to aid in his war with Iran. I’m not sure how these things are confused, but here we are.
Anyway, according to Mr. Petrilla, it’s France’s fault that the United States sold the VX nerve gas to Saddam Hussein that he used to gas the Kurds. Why? Freedom Fries, motherfuckers! Checkmate.
The creator(s) of Quest For Bush didn’t bother to alter these crates, presumably because they’re too hilarious to touch.
No smoking within 20 feet of the entrance to our WMD stash! Wait, if this is an American base in Quest For Bush, does that mean that America found the WMDs, but hid them in a base to perpetuate the war? Whoa, man. Am I still on the trolley?
That middle target looks off, somehow. Is it a glitch due to my playing of this game on Linux via Wine, or incompetence on the part of the level designer for not making sure that all textures were set up properly? Maybe it’s both!
Anyway, this area is the grand finale of Level 2, but the shitty enemy AI does it no favors. The guy at the end with the grenade launcher blew himself up on the nearby sand dunes each time. Intense combat, my friends!
Level 3: Jihad Growing Up (No No! Not The Shoe!)
Aww, our little Jihad is getting all grown up!
So here’s an inviting intro to a level: a puke-green hallway constructed as hastily as possible in the level editor! The Quest For Saddam level title is a reference to the games’ melee weapon, by the way. Yes, if you run out of ammo, you resort to striking at Bush and the Americans with a shoe. That… may just be genius!
Breaking news: Pepsi sponsors terrorism! I initially thought that this was an unsanctioned use of corporate imagery originating from Quest For Saddam itself, but it turns out that the Pepsi logo is unique to the terrorist-endorsed Quest For Bush. So what did Quest For Saddam have instead, you ask?
That’s right: “Camel-Cola”! Do I even want to know how this is made? Anyway, when you walk past the machine, someone exclaims in a stereotypical Indian accent, “Oh my goodness, I could use a Camel-Cola right about now!” I have no idea why this happens. It’s like a callback to something that not only doesn’t exist, but never existed.
I guess Al Qaeda was noting that Americans are more likely to drink Pepsi than Camel-Cola. Are they saying that Camel-Cola is a real product, then? What the fuck is going on?
I just can’t get enough of these VX nerve gas crates, if you couldn’t tell. I love that Mr. Petrilla somehow managed to map the texture on some of their faces backwards, leaving the text mirrored in the most hilarious fashion possible. Also, the “up” arrow on these crates appears to be pointing in the wrong direction. Disconcerting, to say the least!
Ooo, it’s a glow effect! The sun is really blazing during our Night of Bush Capturing! Anyway, the Internet deducts 1000 points from this game for using anything resembling a lens flare, and another 1000 points for not just implementing the lens flare so we can whine about it. What can I say? The Internet is a demanding lot.
Here’s the player character after death. The Global Islamic Media Front simply swapped the two main character models in the game, making the enemy from Quest For Saddam the player model here, and the player model from Quest For Saddam the model for the enemy American soldiers. My point is that this character model displays perfectly fine in Quest For Saddam, but has jet black patches of fail in Quest For Bush. I’m sure it’s an issue with running it in Linux, but it’s still hilarious to me. Why is the shirt the only part that works?
Hey, it’s a secret passage! This gives you a more direct route to the level exit, but you must sustain some of that unavoidable falling damage that shitty level designers love so much. You may notice that my health keeps dropping without any apparent way of increasing it. Don’t worry, because I figured it out finally: just press the “H” key to use one of those white “health kit” boxes! They’re actually portable medkits! Well, the difficulty in this game just dropped through the floor!
Here’s the other end of the secret passage. Just shoot all of the bad guys that come running straight at you as fast as they can and walk to the exit afterward. Hey, these are time-honored battle tactics learned from the plague rats in Daikatana. Enemies in shitty games think alike!
Intermission: A (Partial) List of Shitty Soundbites From Quest For Saddam
We’re halfway through these games! Let’s take a moment to listen to some of the sound clips available in the game’s data files. Imagine these playing as you fumble about through terribly designed levels! Filenames are provided for your convenience.
BullwinkleDuck.wav: “Here’s your national bird: duck!” (In a terrible Bullwinkle impression.)
gblood.wav: “Oh, there’s going to be blood, lots of blood!” (In a stereotypical gay man’s voice.)
IndianAiming.wav: “I will be aiming for your kabobs.” (In a stereotypical Indian accent.)
JackPappa.wav: “Come to papa!” (In a stereotypical Jack Nicholson accent.)
JewSand.wav: “Is this the beach, or just a whole lot of sand?” Note that the filename is not a joke! Mr. Petrilla is such a racist dipshit that “JewSand.wav” seemed like an acceptable filename! Holy shit!
kill01.wav: “What’s up, homie? Too much crack, or not enough?” (In a stereotypical, uh, “urban” accent.)
kill03.wav: “Eh, you forgot the French Army exercise! We put our hands up and… whimper!”
kill04.wav: “I’m sorry, that was such a pretty shirt! Seltzer water will get the blood stains out!” (In a stereotypical gay man’s voice.)
kill05.wav: “We have ways of making you talk… whoops, too late.” (Dr. Strangelove is violated.)
kill06.wav: “And to think: you could have been working at a 7-Eleven!” (In a stereotypical Indian accent.)
kill10.wav: “And you didn’t even make the deck of cards, pal!” (In the Jack Nicholson accent.)
kill11.wav: “Now, what’s a martyr with you?” (Just shoot me now.)
kill13.wav: “Too bad you didn’t get your hari to your kari. Now we’re going to have to kari your hari!” (In a stereotypical Japanese accent. I have no idea what this means.)
kill14.wav: “I’m supposed to be in for a colonoscopy today, and I’m here killing you instead!”
kill18.wav: “Yo! Say hi to all those virgins for me, Sparky!”
kill20.wav: “Hasta la vista, Habib!”
kill21.wav: “Ho ho! It makes Mr. Happy sad to see you die!” (Is this a sexual come-on?)
kill22.wav: “You and Ms. Moffet had Kurds in your way!” (Jesus Christ!)
kill29.wav: “You just went from butt-ugly to butt-dead!” (Yeah!)
kill30.wav: “Hey dude, can I have your sandals?” (In a stereotypical Hippie voice.)
LatinoNicePlace.wav: “Hey, this is a nice place to pass through… if you’re a jalapeno!” (What?)
lGetReady.wav: “Amigo! Get ready to donate your organs!” (Also in a stereotypical “Latino” accent.)
niceplace.wav: “Nice place to pass through… if you’re a virus.” (In the attempted Jack Nicholson accent.)
NYHuminum.wav: “Yeah, I got your huminummanumma right here, pal!” (What is this huminumma thing? My inability to understand this shall haunt me to the end of my days.)
PullAnIraqi.wav: “Say! Want to see me pull an Iraqi out of this world?” (In the Bullwinkle accent. Why must they do this? What did Bullwinkle ever do to these people?)
RSEternity.wav: “Imagine, if you will… eternity.” (We’re in the Twilight Zone, alright…)
RWLightbulb.wav: “How many of these guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ho ho ho, they can’t turn it on anyway!”
SCDifference.wav: “You know the difference between the Republican Guard and a falafel? Falafel has killed more people.” (In a stereotypical Sean Connery accent.)
And now, back to your regularly scheduled shitty game!
Level 4: American’s Hell (Mustache Remover)
Our jeep mistakenly ran over the errant apostrophe from the level’s title, and it’s now totaled somewhere in the sands of Iraq. On the bright side, it’s finally night time! Let the Bush Capturing commence!
Jesse Petrilla, the racist, anti-Muslim idiot who made the original Quest For Saddam, neglected to make the moon in the night sky a crescent moon. This error has been carried over into Quest For Bush without comment. I’d say trolling is a lost art, but I’m pretty sure that everyone involved with these games really believed in what they were doing. There is a real sense of unrestrained self-expression present in these games, and while they are both equally tacky and retarded, they’re earnest about their retarded messages. They are going all-out to make their points. They are going all-out to make you believe.
The people involved were trying their best, and their best led to… this.
Hey, we’ve found a river in Iraq! When was the last time sandpaper had a river on it, Jesse? Checkmate, motherfucker!
We’ve also picked up a grenade launcher, by the way. Don’t get too excited: it totally sucks, and the chaingun is already a one-hit kill in this game. Now this is pod racing game design!
These waterfalls really must be seen in motion to be believed. I mean, they look worse than various pieces of OpenGL particle effect demo code available for free on the Internet. How does that even happen? Were you actively trying to make this game as embarrassing as possible?
Speaking of embarrassing, it’s Tony Blair’s face! The sun never set on the British Empire, but… you know, I’m going to be honest. I don’t know much about Britain. I mean, I know it’s the land from the Ultima games, but that’s about it. It’s part of England or something, right? Do your toilets flush in the opposite direction over there? Do your women have vaginas that go sideways?
See, I thought so! I’m more worldly than I thought!
Level 5: Searching For Bush (Bunker Time-Share)
Yes, folks, this game is still going! It’s our second night of Bush Capturing, and the first level that explicitly spells out our Bush-seeking objective. I guess we were just screwing around for the last four levels. Whatever. All I know is: those VX nerve gas crates probably shouldn’t be stored outside. They should really read the directions on these things! Besides, if you’re going to hide the WMD that you found, beneath the open air is probably not the best place!
Oh, these damned American roadblocks! This is a free country, god dammit! I’ll go wherever I want!
(Note: You can’t pass it. It’s just bullshit everywhere.)
The Americans have obtained a fearsome SCUD missile! This is, of course, a holdover from Quest For Saddam, where the SCUD missile was only slightly less ridiculous. Anyway, Saddam was going to launch this thing a whole 10 feet, so it’s understandable why we were told to tremble in fear while living on the other side of the planet. It’s here, now, in this game. We can overcome our fears by shooting it repeatedly. Nothing happens, as it is invincible, but we can do it anyway. We shall mime Sisyphus in our own personal eternal quest. One day, we will shoot this SCUD, and it will crack.
The desert is a great place to build a log cabin, right? I’ve been trying to determine if this is a reference to the Log Cabin Republicans, to no avail. There’s nothing inside of the cabin, by the way. No tables, no chairs, no TV, no HBO… who could ever live in such a place? They don’t even have a bathroom!
I just want to take a moment to reiterate how shitty the graphics are in this game. Thank you.
Level 6: Bush Hunted Like A Rat (Honey, I’m Home)
Here we are, guys: the final level! Notice, if you will, that the final level of Night of Bush Capturing, during which we will capture Bush, takes place… during the day. Seriously, guys, how hard is it to swap the sky textures around? Christ!
There was some annoying backtracking in this level, so I’m just cutting to the chase. Once we’ve passed everything else, we end up at this portable outhouse. By the way, if you’re playing Quest For Bush, it comes with save games already provided. Just fire up “Mission end.sav” and it takes you here! Oh yeah!
(No, I don’t expect anyone to play this game. I certainly hope nobody is thinking of playing this game…)
Those dastardly French even made Saddam’s (and Bush’s) outhouse! Bastards! Any chance of a translation of this sign?
Oh, there we are! Well, it looks like this is the wrong place, guys! Our Quest For Saddam will have to lead us elsewhere!
I’m not sure that leaving a chaingun placed on top of a VX nerve gas crate is the safest thing to do, but what do I know?
Here’s Bush being captured, dead rather than alive! I had difficulty taking a picture of him in motion, as the game is programmed… poorly. Still, he’s about 2 feet tall, he appears to be impervious to grenades, and he dies after you unload the chaingun on him for a few seconds. He’s poorly modeled and mapped, and a strange terrorist cheer heralds his demise.
I’m going to be honest: it’s a bit of a letdown.
For comparison, this is Saddam meeting his end in Quest For Saddam. Note that the Global Islamic Media Front changed Bush’s top half to a suit and tie, but left Saddam’s camo pants on the bottom half. Seriously, guys, how lazy can you get?
Bush’s lair is adorned with pictures of his most nefarious acts, such as… shaking hands with this guy. I wasn’t able to fully capture it in a single photo, but if you look closely, you may notice that the photo on the left and the photo on the far right are the same. They couldn’t even find 8 different pictures to adorn these two walls of Bush’s lair!
You know, sometimes I suspect that the braintrust behind Quest For Bush didn’t consist of the brightest bulbs this world has to offer…
Back in Quest For Saddam, we’ve found irrefutable evidence of Saddam’s involvement in 9/11! Looks like this invasion was justified after all!
We’ve also got this bitchin’ painting of Saddam riding a white horse and guiding SCUD missiles with his sword. On the right, Saddam places his hands on his hips and thrusts vigorously as he sodomizes a building. But that painting on the left is just amazing. Here’s a full version of it:
So we’re done here, right? We’ve had enough. Time to just head for the exit and get on with our lives.
The only problem is: the exit door doesn’t work.
That’s right: the geniuses behind Quest For Bush somehow failed to implement the level exit trigger properly. As a result, there is no way to actually beat the last level of Quest For Bush. We’re trapped here, forever.
Jihad is an eternal struggle. Perhaps this is their way of letting us know that.
Bonus Round! Quest For Hussein
Hey, let’s take a quick look at the original version of Quest For Saddam: Quest For Hussein! I mean, why not, right?
Multiple typos on the first screen of the game. Looks like we’re in for a treat!
I hope they drop the nuke after we’re finished with our quest. Does this mean we have to finish by tomorrow? I don’t do well under pressure!
Quest For Hussein is already a better game than Quest For Saddam and Quest For Bush. Why? Because it has camels in it! Man, how did I survive these six levels without them? It was just inhumane.
Quest For Hussein is also a better game because it’s based off of the Duke Nukem 3D Build Engine, which is definitely more robust than the Quest For Saddam code. The camels couldn’t even bring themselves to show their faces in that garbage.
Here’s the inside of the mosque from Level 1. I’ve just noticed that the picture of Saddam on the throne is mirrored compared to its presentation in Quest For Saddam. Why does this happen? More importantly: why do I notice this shit?
I’ve got problems, man.
Here’s the original “Thank You, Come Again” sign! It’s a joke so hilarious it had to be told twice!
Anything look familiar? That’s right: Mr. Petrilla just reused the chaingun ammo graphics and the shotgun graphics from Duke Nukem 3D without permission or attribution. He also reused the Duke Nukem 3D sharks in his pirate game, Plunder and Pillage.
Do we care? No.
The tampon dispenser is still here in Quest For Hussein. It still doesn’t make any sense. I really think Jesse should have provided a FAQ explaining each “joke” in the game and why it is supposed to be funny. I certainly would have found it helpful!
Case in point: this three-frame animation of Al Jazeera, which consists of a naked man being spanked with some type of rod. What news programs have you been watching, bro?
Level 2! It’s a beautiful day! The switch to open the silo door is now hidden behind a false wall that you have to jump into. What will they think of next?
My beloved VX nerve gas crates have been replaced by a giant fan. That’s it, I’ve had enough! Screw this level!
On Level 3, we find our “Camel-Cola” safe and sound. The machine on the left seems to be missing something, though. You know, like a change slot, selection buttons, a way for the soda to be given to the customer… minor details, really. It’s fine, Jesse. It’s fine.
The end of Level 3 consists of dozens of Iraqi enemies that must be gunned down. I’m like 99% sure that Mr. Petrilla masturbated to this section of the game at least once during the “testing” phase.
At the start of Level 4, we find some fellow American soldiers! They do absolutely nothing to help us and refuse to acknowledge our presence. Sad emoticon.
Another wild night in Iraq! Don’t get too excited about that fortification in the distance, guys. Our princess, as always, is in another castle!
Here we are, wandering about the lush foliage of Level 5. There are way too many enemies to shoot in this section, but I made it. I made it.
DEAR GOD, LET THE GAME STOP
One nice thing about Quest For Hussein is that it uses the Duke Nukem 3D explosive barrels and destructible environments. Thus, you can have a few seconds of amusement watching things explode. That’s more entertainment than Quest For Bush and Quest For Saddam managed in their entire runtimes!
Level 6! This is it! A fearsome orange sky reminiscent of the sky from Episode 4 of Ultimate Doom shall lead us to victory! Onward, my friends!
The outhouse has been replaced by a service elevator.
You know, I don’t even want to play this anymore.
Here’s Saddam in all his glory! Due to the shitty programming of this game, if you hit Saddam with an RPG, he flies towards you rather than away from you. I really don’t know how these mistakes were made, but they were.
Anyway, just shoot him a bunch of times with other weapons and get it over with!
Donald Rumsfeld just came.
I’m sorry, Mr. Petrilla, but if you’re going to have spelling errors in my reward message, I’m not going to accept it. Please try again!
Also, why is Iraq still going to be nuked if we defeated Saddam? What is happening?
Oh, now it makes perfect sense!
Bonus Round, Part 2! Quest For Al Qaeda
Here it is, guys: the game that started it all! Quest For Hussein was actually called “QUEST2.EXE”. What is “QUEST1.EXE”, then? You guessed it: Quest For Al Qaeda, the game where you (don’t get to) kill Osama Bin Laden!
Get ready for a half-assed, 3-level jaunt that will make you ashamed to be an American! Ready? Set? FAIL!
This weapon acts like the pistol from Duke Nukem 3D: every 12 rounds, you have to load another clip. However, Mr. Petrilla couldn’t be bothered to make a decent reloading animation for this weapon, so it tilts upwards 45 degrees sin animacion while Duke Nukem’s hand loads in a nonexistent magazine. That’s quality!
Another level, another nonsensical “Huminumma” catchphrase poster. Is this like one of those old adventure games? Am I supposed to GET the POSTER and THROW it into the GARBAGE CAN?
Level 2 consists of 4 identical buildings placed in the middle of the desert. It’s Copypasta: The Game!
The bathrooms from Duke Nukem 3D return! Note that while you can press the Space bar on the toilet to urinate, it does not refill 10 health points, as it does in Duke Nukem 3D! This game is absolute garbage!
You can shoot the toilet and drink water out of it to refill 1 health point at a time, though. Why does the one not work while the other one does? How did Mr. Petrilla manage to bork the Duke Nukem 3D code in this fashion? The world may never know.
I feel sorry for these camels. They deserve better than this! I mean, llamas have Llamatron. Camels deserve their time in the limelight!
Level 3! It’s… a cave, somewhere in Afghanistan. DA DA DUM!
This weapon is the replacement for the Devastator from Duke Nukem 3D. Just fire a few rounds at this gentleman and continue down the hallway to fight Osama Bin Laden!
Yes, the game just cuts to this screen before the climactic fight. You don’t get to shoot Osama like you shot Saddam in Quest For Hussein. Mr. Petrilla violates the classic “Show, Don’t Tell” rule and gives us this Screen of Fail.
Also, I’m like 100% sure that Mr. Petrilla masturbated to the bit about Osama being raped.
And so we’re at the end of our journey, folks! All 4 of these shitty games have been completed, and we’re still no closer to understanding what “Huminumma” means!
This is it, guys. That feeling we’re experiencing? It’s called victory.
Bush’s leadership during a long-term occupation was worse than the Kahleesi’s. How is that even possible?
Still, there is a certain beauty to Quest For Bush and Quest For Saddam. They’re the same game except for some minor cosmetic details, yet they manage to demonstrate how idiotic political discourse has become in the post-9/11 era. Both games express viewpoints that are simplistic and idiotic, though these viewpoints actually echo the rhetoric expressed by world leaders of our time. Recall Bush’s statement that Saddam Hussein “tried to kill his daddy”, which was used as a justification of the invasion of a sovereign country. These games capture that sentiment perfectly.
Over the past 15 years or so, something seems to have snapped in America’s collective psyche. Our politics have become dark, demented, and ugly. Games like these will serve as a guide to future generations as to how we fell, and why. The murder of a foreign leader is championed in a hail of racist idiocy on national cable news. The murder of our leader is condemned by the State Department as the work of nefarious terrorists.
Yet, at the end of the day, the two games are the same.
Overall, I have to commend the creators of these games for making them short. At least I didn’t have to spend that much time playing through them and taking screenshots. There is that. And at least they didn’t make any more of them!
Wait a minute. What have we here?
Hi, I’m 12 and what is this?
Petrilla Entertainment, best known for generating a remarkable two million downloads for its original Quest for Al-Qa’eda game, followed by the immensely popular sequel Quest for Saddam, today released a third, more sophisticated PC-based, multilevel 3D game with the same style of satirical humor that made its predecessor titles such smash hits.
Durka 3D: The Fall of Ahmadinejad is a full-fledged fast-action shooter that lets the player hunt down the Iranian dictator in a truly new kind of videogame, where successful game-play is further rewarded with hysterical one-liners and outrageous scenes…
The game places the player in the center of Iran. As they battle against the Revolutionary Guard, and survive the fast-action excitement, players are doubly rewarded with surprise gags and absurdities. Scenes include bunkers filled with crates labeled “Not a crate destined for Iraqi insurgents,” or missiles that say “Made in Russia,” as well as battles where the enemy hurls insults at you in gibberish. The settings are richly drawn, realistic palaces, tunnels, bunkers, nuclear research facilities, Middle Eastern landscapes and battlefields.