I hope that most of you have seen my initial The Bottom Ten Worst Christmas Movies Ever that I entered a couple of days ago. This list will include 10 unique movies, but A Meowy Christmas will still take its rightful place. Some Christmas Movies are awful, but watchable because of their camp intrigue. The Jack Frost Movies (the two horror/comedy versions), Santas Slay and A Cadaver Christmas come to mind. Others, like the ones on this list are merely awful. To wrap up this years Christmas Season, I present The Ten Worst Christmas Movies:
Honorable Mention: Jack Frost (1998) This was a terrible movie in spite of the presence of the great Michael Keaton. Not only was it bad, but it was one of the most expensive mistakes in cinema history. This film lost a staggering 65 million dollars. Bah-Humbug indeed.
- Elf –The mere presence of Will Ferrell makes any movie un-watchable, but Elf was especially painful. Elf was horrible, inexcusable and inexplicable garbage. What is so infuriating is that Elf could have been made watchable, but no, Will Ferrell, David Berenbaum and Jon Favreau took care of that for us in with their efforts in this disgusting film. Not even the great Peter Dinklage could throw a lifeline to this movie, and of course they squandered his brief cameo with a lame, safe and predictable scene about his size. Avoid this train wreck.
- Ernest Saves Christmas –While browsing through IMDB and other sites for pictures, movie posters and other obligatory information for this review, I noticed that Jim Varney (Ernest) was dead. He died in 2000 of lung cancer at the age of 50. This is the only thing that brought a smile to my face during the entire viewing and research for this Christmas film. Well, that and seeing the ending credits. At least now he is no longer capable of doing damage. We still have Will Ferrell. This movie was poorly written and quite annoying. Again, avoid.
- Santa Baby– Not one single line or scene in this movie was original, memorable or funny. A 5-year old could have anticipated or predicted the plot. There is absolutely no reason for this movie to exist, and yes, there is a sequel that I will not watch. The only thing that was remotely redeeming about this movie was some of the scenery, but it was so over the top that it wasnt realistic in the least. Not surprisingly, America loved this film as Santa Baby was a ratings hit for ABC FAMILY, pulling in over 4.7 million viewers during its initial airing. At the time, it was the most watched original movie developed for the channel. We have indeed become a nation of Morons.
7.Deck The Halls–There was not one original line, not one accidentally funny utterance in the entirety of this wretched film. The movie was tedious, lame and vomit-inducing. For a movie that was intended to be a light-hearted Christmas joy, it was drudgery. I have watched dozens and dozens of Christmas movies, but I am hard pressed to think of one that is more pathetically and unintentionally UN-FUNNY. There was not one, single redeeming quality, not even as a camp throw-off. Deck The Halls was simply pathetic. Avoid this misery.
- Santa Claus Conquers the Martians– SCCtM is a bizarre cocktail of American excitement about the Space Program, a warning against watching too much television, and loving Santa. You know, just your typical heartwarming holiday story. Netflixs plot synopsis reads, The Martians are irked that their children spend so much time watching TV shows from Earth about Santa Claus, so they decide to capture Mr. Claus. Now I dont know much about the effects of drug use, but sweet lord, how many drugs must one take to come up with this storyline?
- Elves- I am a competent writer and a veteran of having written dozens of Christmas reviews, but there are no words to adequately describe this film.From a technical standpoint, the film was total disaster on every single level. The almost non-existent lighting, which was both a blessing and a curse, was only eclipsed by the unfortunate existing dialogue which included stunners like, Life is long and hard, Kevin is thick and David is a yard. –or- Is everything alright? No, Willy, Grandpa is a Nazi. Then, of course, there was the superstar of this Christmas mess, Dan Haggerty in all of his Camels chain-smoking, film noir-like glory. Elves is horrible, and a lazy effort.
- Santa Claus (1959) Not only is this one of the worst Christmas movie made, it may very well be the worst movie of any genre made, anytime, anywhere. This movie is possibly more damaging to Christmas than Bad Santa and The Evil Atheist Conspiracy combined, minus Fox News. This so called movie was a tedious bore, but was also the creepiest movie that I have ever had the misfortune of sitting through. Santa Claus was not even close to MST3K fun, it was in fact just the opposite in that it was infuriatingly bad.The music was painful to listen to and the movie was just creepy, especially the slave-labor kids and those unforgettable reindeer. Highly recommended if you are a pervert.
- Santa With Muscles– Bad, bad, bad, BAD. With the possible exception of Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, Santa With Muscles (1996) is not only the worst Christmas movie ever made, but it is one of the worst that could be madeever. Weighing in at a whopping 2.4 at IMDB and ranked in the bottom 100 movies of all time, you know it is going to be beyond terrible, and it was. Nothing other than actually watching this 97 minutes of Hell can prepare you for how incompetent this movie actually was.
- Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny– It is a close call between this pathetic effort and the #1 pick below. Amateurish and pointless does not even begin to describe this film, and I use the word “film” in a theoretical sense only. The movie Thumbelina is inexplicably included, book-ended between a movie that consisted of nothing by Santa sitting in a sleigh that was stuck in the sand. Spoiler Alert! The Creepy Rabbit rescues him. I don’t know what happens to all the kids, I don’t want to know.
It wasn’t even really that close. Movie maker wannabee Steve Rudzinski (I Will Be Making a Formal Complaint!) raised a whopping $350 to make this awful film. Nothing about this film is professional and any random YouTube Video would probably be much better. A talking cat and talking mouse, who can’t really talk, save Christmas. I give this mess of a movie a 0.5 for originality and a 10.0 for stupidity. What was much better than the film was all the Hell that Rudzinski’s friends raised because of my review. Oh, and Jim Varney, their hero, like Jesus, remains dead. Deal with it. This film was just awful on every level.