Glenn Beck: Conservative Bawl Boy

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As we second guess ourselves through Obama’s first 100 days, conservatives are falling all over one another swearing allegiance to their dying cause.  Assuring themselves that by sticking to their dogmatic worldview and neocon principles they’ll recapture the hearts and minds of the American people and win the next election. Most of us know that that is an absolutely stupid strategy.  They look stupid and they sound stupid when they espouse it.  But nobody is as quite as stupid as Glenn fucking Beck.

“Where the hell,” you ask, “did this clown come from?”  CNN.  Where his one-man lounge show raked in a fraction of the viewers of MSNBC’s constantly rotated and retooled Joe Scarbrough.  Hoping to somehow compete against college cheerleading trials on ESPN2 again, CNN finally pulled the plug on Beck’s Nielsen poison hour. Apparently feeling their fair and balanced programming schedule was just tipped too far in Alan Colmes’ favor, Fox News scooped up the self proclaimed arch-conservative.  Now, when perusing my favorite pinko internet blogs, I not only have to learn about this cretin’s despicable worldview, I have to watch clips of him crying.  That’s right.  Glenn Beck was given the standard newshour time slot between 5-6 pm on the most rugged station on your satellite in late January and he’s already been caught bawling on camera no less than five fucking times.

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Is this the new face of conservatism?  A red-nosed recovering alcoholic?  Granted, Beck pulls in 6.5 million listeners on his radio show.  I have this hypothesis all worked out on that, though.  20 million people tune in to Rush Limbaugh.  Yes, Rush Limbaugh is certainly a big fat pussy but he has his acerbic down to a science, creating a voice for disenchanted, mean-spirited American white men.  Plus we all know he packs Viagra, chomps cigars, and may even bang one between the toes once in awhile.  It pains me to say it, but Rush Limbaugh does bear some resemblance to a man.  A paunchy, pasty, balding one, but he still has male characteristics.  Beck though…  Who the fuck would listen to this numbskull?  Who are those 6.5 million fans?  I think the majority of them are women.  Conservative women to be sure, but when Gomer Joe rolls out in his pickup in the morning, tuning into Rush or possibly Toby Keith’s latest gem, the missus sits down to listen to her favorite reverse beard, Glenn Beck.  Only a home-schooling housewife could possibly enjoy this low-hanging teabag.

Beck is an ignorant, ill-informed caveman, but he’s not a useful caveman.  While the other males are hunting, gathering, and fighting dinosaurs, Beck stays back in the cave.  With the cavewomen, doing the cavework, while listening eagerly to all the bitching and grunting about how Lothar has been pulling her hair too violently and it’s just impossible to get tar out of a leopardskin cloak.  If Republican punditry were a junior high clique, the alpha narcissist Sean Hannity would wipe boogers in Glenn’s hair while Ann Coulter humiliated him with withering sarcasm.

Beck off air

You’ll find Beck continuously falling back on his alcoholic past to excuse all the pouty, petulant, terrified-of-the-world, acrimonious diatribes spewed from his fish lips each day.  But what he really needs is a 12 step program about how to recover from being such a little bitch.  Can you imagine being this guy’s sponsor?  Panicked wakeup calls at 3 AM- “Larry, I’m having that feeling again that we’re gonna have to fight them over here if we don’t fight them over there.  I’m thinking about taking a drink.”

Beck imagines every apartment building on the East Coast housing a cell of Ali Babas cooking up dirty bombs in their toilet tanks.  He’s in love with Jack Bauer but I suspect in his wildest, sexiest daydreams Beck doesn’t imagine himself being Jack Bauer but rather being Jack Bauer’s sensitive male sidekick.  His Smithers, if you will.

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I in no way want to assist conservatism as it flails about, wildly desperate to remain relevant, but as a simple, professional courtesy I’m saying that y’all need to do something about this guy.  You might think that the deluge of right wing bullshit and pseudo-facts he regularly unleashes is what’s threatening to send your Randian dream the way of a Whig-voting Dodo, but you’d be mistaken.  I mean, Beck’s an idiot, of course, and certainly shouldn’t have a radio or TV program and maybe oughta be doing mini-mall commercials on Youtube instead, and none of his cynical misinformation is particularly original in this saturated market, but these are not problems when it comes to successfully advancing the right wing message.

No, it’s that unconservative combination of neediness and wussiness that Beck exudes for several hours a day, betraying the very tenets of your coarse ideology.  Your woman is getting a scrambled, counter-intuitive message from this dude and it doesn’t correlate with right wing themes such as you bouncing her head off the table cause she forgot to buy Ranch Dressing.  Sure, you need some dipshit to accompany her to Mamma Mia, offer a platonic shoulder on which to cry (about your abuse), and keep her entertained, lest you are forced to deploy that mental deformity you call a personality.  But that’s all a fucking liberal’s job.  Don’t let your longstanding traditionalism get peed on by this pussy beggar.  He cries on television, fellas.  You guys really need to get this basket case off the air and shut him up already.  A producer at Fox has to take forward thinking control and cut Glenn Beck.  And by “cut,” I mean open one of his kidneys with a steak knife.  For the good of the republic.

James Vanderbeck

About Todd Gack

Todd is just a regular guy from the heartland who likes his food fast, his Crue Motley, his rappers cop-bashing and his homosexuals flaming.