Uh oh. I haven’t even asked a question yet. Was it a bad movie?
Yes. Don’t watch it people. Don’t watch it. We didn’t even finish the movie.
You didn’t even finish the movie? What was so bad about it?
First thing is it didn’t have a villain. Second thing is it doesn’t have a problem. And, it feels like they are copying another movie, but with different characters.
What movie do you think they are copying?
Elf. [Kevin’s Note: I can feel Goat cringe from here]
How was it like Elf?
There’s one person that comes from a different part of the universe and they come to the normal cities and they act like crazy people; like psychos.
Who came to the normal city?
Well, I don’t remember her name, but she is a, she is trying to be trained to be a godmother. She found an assignment and if she doesn’t have assignments, then she can’t be trained to be a godmother.
Do you mean like a regular godmother or a fairy godmother?
A fairy godmother.
That sounds like a story to me. A fairy godmother trainee has to complete an assignment to become a full fairy godmother. What is her assignment?
Her assignment is to help a little girl who lives in Boston, Massachusetts, but the assignment she found was from when the girl was ten years old.
So the little girl isn’t ten years old anymore?
Yes. When she goes through the portal to Earth, that girl is like a newsperson who works at 8-news, like the number eight news.
You said the movie doesn’t have a problem. Why is that important?
Because that is what makes it a good story. If there isn’t a problem, how could there be a happily ever after?
That’s a really good point. Do they ever explain what it means to get a happily ever after?
It means to be happy for the rest of your life.
And the news lady isn’t happy?
Well, first of all, she doesn’t believe in happily ever after. Or Christmas. I think. Wait, is that right? I don’t remember if she believes in Christmas. But she will never be happy because she is stressed all day.
What does the fairy godmother trainee think the news lady needs for her happily ever after?
Well, just to be happy, but because she’s a poor little girl when she’s ten years, but now she’s a full grown adult.
I’m confused. What is the news lady stressed about?
Well, I’m not sure if she’s stressed, but I know she isn’t happy.
I’m starting to understand why you say this movie doesn’t have a problem. Why did you decide not to finish it?
Because, while I was watching it, I’m like what am I watching? There is no problem or no villain, so this isn’t a very good story. Or movie. Bum-bum-bum.
Fair enough. So, rating?
If it was twenty dollars, you should ask for eleven dollars back.
Really? Only eleven dollars for a movie that was so bad you didn’t even want to finish it?
Well, sixteen back because I already told you.
And that is the culmination of a Disney double-header. On a final note, my son undersold the awfulness of Godmothered. Last year, my wife got in a weird mood where she would flip to the Hallmark channel and have those really cheesy Christmas movies they make on in the background. Godmothered is one of those movies, but if Disney crapped it out at ten times the cost. And, boy do I ever feel sorry for Isla Fisher headlining this film. If she needs money this bad, I will gladly donate to her GoFundMe page. I know 2020 has been the shittiest year of most of our lifetimes and new movies are very few and far between, but Godmothered is steaming garbage. It’s a damned good thing Soul was excellent, helping me to clear the mechanism.