Sharknado: A Survivor’s Tale

Youse guys seen these fuckin Sharknado movies? 

[Editor’s Note: Yes, and I reviewed two of them. Pay attention]

It’s kinda important that you have… 

Well, take it from me, a guy who’s survived two sharknadoes…[Editor’s Note: I’ve watched 3, plus Piranha Sharks, so there!] I don’t know if that’s spelled with an “e” or not. Is it sharknados? Sharknadi? Like cacti?

Also, I don’t know why it’s called a sharknado to begin with, when it’s clearly some form of hurricane, because, I dunno if you know this, but tornadoes form on land and only last minutes, while hurricanes form on bodies of water and can last for days or even weeks…. I guess “sharkicane” doesn’t have the same ring to it.

I survived two of these fuckin things, the ones they based the first two movies on, in LA and then New York. I’m from New York but I was on a vacation in LA at the time. Fuckin’ hated it, even before the sharks showed up. It’s all fuckin sunny, you gotta’ drive everywhere, there’s dudes rollerbladin in bikini bottoms… It’s a weird place!

You wanna know what really singes my ass, though? What really grinds my beans, what really tweaks my titties, what really paralyzes my perineum? They fuckin left me out of those movies! Like I wasn’t even there! 

I mean, I’m not in the first three. I only saw the first three. For serious, there’s six fuckin Sharknado movies, when any idiot knows there were only two real sharknados. The third movie has a sharknado happening in Washington, DC, and then there’s sharks in space? Honestly, it’s almost like the series got stupid at some point!

So anyways, here’s what really cracks my carbuncle: instead of me, or any of the other real Los Angelenos or New Yorkers that survived either of the first two real sharknados that we all remember, they give the lead role to some aging TV star, this guy Ian Ziering. For serious, he pronounces his name “I-an.” Not “Ee-an,” “I-an.” Every other dude in the history of the world that’s had that name-three letters, I-A-N- they’ve all had the goddamn decency to pronounce it “Ee-an,” but this fuckin guy…. He probably pals around with other famous actors like See-an Connery and Crah-ig T. Nelson…. Fuckin Al Pack-in-o.

The worst part is, like a week after I saw the first Sharknado, I overhear this kid talking to his mom about the movie, and he’s all excited talking about the hero of the movie, this guy who’s “real good at sharks.” That’s how the kid puts it, this guy is “good at sharks.” Here’s the thing: this guy Ian Ziering, who’s supposedly good at sharks, all he did was cut his way out of a shark’s belly with a chainsaw. I guess that’s what they call a spoiler or whatever, but listen: if you’re intrigued by the phrase “man escapes shark’s belly using chainsaw,” you should have already seen these movies, right?

Anyway, he cuts his way out of this shark’s belly with a chainsaw, and according to this kid, that makes him “good at sharks.” I’m pretty sure that if I cut a piano in half with a chainsaw, that don’t make me fuckin good at the piano. If I cut a mic stand in half with a chainsaw, that don’t make me fuckin good at stand-up comedy. That just makes me the next Gallagher, and he always sucked.

Did I mention this guy Ian’s character is named Fin Shepard? 

For serious, his name’s Fin. His dad’s name is Gil. The whole thing is pretty on the nose, which, incidentally, is the best place to punch a shark if you’re being fuckin attacked. See, I know things, I’m good at fuckin sharks.

I don’t mean I’m good at fuckin sharks, I’m fuckin good at sharks. I ain’t never fucked no shark.

I punched a shark in the fuckin nose, though. It was in a tank at a pet store when I was a kid, but maybe that prepared me for surviving them sharknados. Hey, who knows, right? You have a good fuckin day, enjoy yourself. Tanks!

About Ezra Stead

Ezra Stead sits in darkened rooms and stares at screens. He is also a projectionist. In addition, he writes stories, songs, and movie reviews.