I have not read the Dan Brown bestseller The DaVinci Code, but if its porno spoof The DaVinci Load has stayed at all true to the book, one can only assume it will be masturbated to primarily by retards. It will also appear in the “movies” section on the Myspace page of every girl on Earth right next to whatever the X-rated version of The Devil Wears Prada is called.
Scene 1 starts off with some shitty dialogue that probably nobody would be able to tell apart from the real DaVinci Code if you just changed all the “cock”s to “Jesus”. I must say I found the abundance of dialogue in this film disconcerting; I mean, if I had the patience to sit and listen to girls say stuff, well, I doubt I would have ever become enough of a chronic masturbator to have a porn producer mailing me boxes of free smut provided I could think of enough pop culture analogies for penises entering moist holes. Anyway, this is a 2-on-1 scene and one of the participants ends up getting a stray busload of knucklechildren on his wrist, which I was going to address with a Nelson Muntz laugh until I realized that given the mosh pit their balls were having on her gooch a couple minutes earlier, he probably doesn’t care all that much.
Joey Hart kicks off Scene 2 by blowing some dude in an ice cream truck—you know, it is so refreshing to see consensual fellatio taking place in this particular vehicle for a change. Joey is clearly the hottest chick of the movie, but she wins the Awful Innuendo Award for the following gem: “[After giving the guy a popsicle] Now let me see YOUR popsicle!” Wow, Captain Obvious, maybe it would have been more subtle if you’d hired Iceman to milk his prostate. Regardless, hats off to Miss Hart, who fucks this lucky man like he has reverse AIDS.
Scene 3 takes place in a museum and the guy gets shot afterwards for some reason—I would point out that the dead body in the porn film is clearly breathing, but that would be akin to alerting the referee that the Undertaker is holding a foreign object. Since I am currently at a loss for a clever way to write “he copulated with her vagina”, let me just say this: Mom, in case I forgot to close this window out, I can’t find Bark Wahlberg’s ear medicine anywhere and was wondering if you knew where it is. Love, Poopykins.
Haley Page has the role of “that chick who has like five scenes before you even get to see her naked,” which is precarious for a porn actress because by the time your fuck scene rolls around, the audience’s expectations are so high that those panties better slide off to reveal three twats stuffed with Soup Nazi recipes. I am not sure what her costar’s name is, but he has managed to make his way into about two-thirds of all the porn films I have ever seen—is it gay to get a boner when you see a guy’s cock if it is for strictly Pavlovian reasons?
The movie concludes with a masqueraded orgy ala Eyes Wide Shut, only with a more authentic emotional connection between the stars. The scene includes Eva Angelina and Jasmine Tame, two of my favorite jizzprincesses who unfortunately seem to have both had their breast enlargement surgeries performed by Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Missy Monroe appears to have quite an extensive porn resume under her belt; when Jasmine was giving her the four-finger salute, I originally thought someone was giving CPR to a dead bat.
Well, as Porky Pig would say, that’s it for my review of throat-fucking and double penetration. I hope you liked it, since I can no longer so much as muster a chubby watching this shit because my brain is too busy mining itself for alliterative synonyms for “Ass-to-Mouth”.
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