Slutty and Sluttier is what Gloria Allred sees on a bad acid trip. It is pure evil, and I curse forum administrator MG Kelly for ever having sent it to me. The word “fetish” is far too pleasant a word for this movie; in order to adequately describe it, it would be necessary to invent new letters which could only be pronounced by throwing kittens into a wood chipper. Needless to say, I still had no problem whipping my pud like an Alaskan Husky while watching it.
Aurora Snow begins the first scene by crawling around in front of a mirror and calling herself a dirty cunt, spanking herself, and spitting on her reflection. If this is the birth of some kind of “self-hating female” genre of porn, I guess we won’t have to put up with any more Ann Coulter books anytime soon. Aurora’s capacity for throat fucking is particularly of note; it sounded like someone was holding down Stephen Hawking’s “g” key. Aurora spreads her twat so wide for her co-star that I worried whether he was poking holes in some poor baby’s head, and by the end of the scene her ass is redder than Santa’s face after getting caught performing autoerotic asphyxiation. Aurora gets fucked for longer than a Tasmanian woodchuck by a PCP-smoking marmoset on Guy Fawkes’ Day in this scene, which clocks in at an epic 40 minutes.
The next scene features Aurora, Sandra Romain and 12 guys—you know why I think they went with 12? Cause 13 would just be fucking gay. Sandra is not the shyest girl on the block; this was the only time I’ve ever heard “Give me your cock or I’ll fucking kill you!” screamed in a Romanian accent, except when poor Grandpa’s farm was robbed that fateful December morn. The amount of cum on Sandra’s face at the end of this scene would make even a Japanese man queasy; it looked like someone fed a hand grenade to the Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.
You know, I could joke about the various depraved acts in which Annette Schwartz engages in Scene 3—the rampant ass-munching, the toe-sucking, the getting slapped around more than Shemp after fainting—but what REALLY merits comment is her invention (as far as I’m aware) of a new porn technique: the cum-snort! I mean, as much work as the guys from Jackass Number Two put into grossing us out this summer, all it took was one young lady to make them look like the Little Rascals, probably because she was so zonked out on coke that she thought it was more coke.
Mia Rose is a cutie, but her scene is disappointingly standard considering the steadily rising level of weirdness preceding it. I was really interested to see how the filmmakers would push the limits of human wickedness in their final scene—maybe some girl could get fucked with a turkey leg in the middle of Ethiopia or Rosie O’Donnell’s talk show could be playing in the background—but to end Slutty and Sluttier with a 40-minute scene of just plain old, meat n’ potatoes anal sex, well, they may as well have just shown a Christian couple engaging in intercourse for the purposes of procreation. However, that is not to denigrate Mia’s fine performance; her co-star stays in her bunghole longer than Tom Cruise in denial. KAPOW!
Well, that about wraps it up for Slutty and Sluttier—I’m gonna go take a long, hot shower and join the monastery for about five years. I’ll see you in a couple months when I’ll probably be making knock-knock jokes about snuff films.
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