Star, Kelly Wells, obviously had a healthy childhood.
Butt Blassted Too!, which was changed at the last minute from the slightly less subtle title Admiral Anus’s Buttastical Bag of Wrecked Rectums!, is truly fun for the whole family, uh, provided you’ve given your kids the whole “When a man and a woman love each other, sometimes the man will raid her sphincter with his one-eyed Viking and then glue her eyes shut with his Daddy Juice” talk.
Scene 1: After sliding her thong over and giving us a chance to guess what she had for dinner last night, Mary Anne drops to her knees as Kris Slater engages in what appears to be a medieval joust with her tonsils. During the anal scene, she treats us to a little A2M (which, for those not well-versed in Pornolese, translates into “E. coli popsicle”). Kris concludes by letting loose a blast in her face like she was Abe Lincoln and he was John Wilkes Booth, no offense if you clean theater seats for a living.
Michelle opens up Scene 2 by giving us some Wayne’s World-style extreme close ups of her various curves and crevices. At one point when she was shoving her nipples into the lens, I felt like a hungry baby who in 15 years will have to endure relentless ball-busting when one of his friends stumbles upon a video of some dude playing his mom’s intestines like an accordion. Michelle has an all-out war declared on her pooper in this scene; I kept expecting to see Napalm Girl from Vietnam fleeing from her colon.
Jessica vigorously ass-fingers herself to techno music along with some rapidly changing camera angles at the onset of Scene 3, which was apparently directed by the Wachowski brothers. I don’t know who started this whole “gag myself to tears” trend in porn blowjobs, but I feel it is a far more vital contribution to society than any of that Thomas Edison bullshit. Mr. Marcus wraps things up by jizzing on a hot dog bun and feeding it to Jessica in a new twist on the traditional cumshot that reminded me why I can never work at the MCI Center again.
Tony was so anxious to eat Kelly’s ass at the beginning of Scene 4 that I had to double-check to make sure he wasn’t Somalian. Tony turns Kelly inside-out in this scene, and I don’t mean figuratively in that “I just attended a really inspiring Tony Robbins speech” way; I mean literally in that “Could you please tuck my pancreas back in?” way. Tony finishes up by depositing his load into Kelly’s keester before she proudly launches it into the air like a DNA volcano.
As I watched the tenth strand of love-drool dribble down Vanilla’s chin while she gave Seth a rather enthusiastic blowjob to kick off Scene 5, I couldn’t help but wonder: Shouldn’t we all technically be cannibals by now if porn really corrupts society like the FCC says? After he successfully fuck-starts Vanilla’s head, Seth proceeds to camp out in her bum-bum for the long haul. If anal sex was death, this scene would be the Holocaust—that means it would barely warrant a PG rating if you’re Mel Gibson’s dad.
Butt Blassted Too! is required viewing if you’re a fan of, as they call it in Mississippi, “the hole that Jesus can’t see.” I give it a healthy 4 Roofied supermodels out of 5 with a special shout-out to the enema crew; if they were passing out comment cards for this DVD like they do at restaurants, I would give it a 10 for cleanliness. In fact, there was far less visible feces than one would find at most Denny’s.
^ Top
Forum >