He’s appeared on infomercials with Christie Brinkley, peddling exercise equipment, good health, and the world’s densest beard. He’s come out in support of prayer in public schools, as well as a curriculum based entirely on Biblical accounts. Because it’s the “fair” thing to do; the Constitution, good sense, and logic be damned. He’s shadowed Mike Huckabee during the 2008 Republican primaries, though not as a bodyguard, but rather as coach, advisor, and spiritual mentor. He has a cult-like internet following rivaled only by the scatological porn industry and YouTube cat attacks. And, in some bizarre twist of fate, he’s now the go-to guy on all matters political; challenging all comers who dare suggest that a brutally inept thespian from the Harry Reames School of Higher Emoting will never sit at the grown-up table. Now, at long last, Chuck Norris is running for president. Not in any known primary, mind you, and not even of the United States. No, in true Chuck Norris fashion, he’s splitting the fine hairs of reality to seek not the White House, but an illusory post in a land that does not yet exist. May never exist. Friends, lovers, comrades, Mr. Norris wants to be in charge of Texas. Not as Governor, foolish ones, but President. Of Texas. As in the Republic of Texas. Is he mad? Daft? Off the deep end? Confusing the fourth Missing in Action script currently in mothballs for his summer vacation plans? Nothing so ordinary. He’s tanned, rested, and ready for revolution. Norris style.

In sum, both on Glenn Beck’s radio show and the hilariously surreal World Net Daily website, Mr. Norris is advocating secession, discredited though it may be. Once achieved, and presumably without a whit of interference by the federal government, Chuck will ascend to the only throne to which he has aspired. Having thrown his driver’s license, Social Security card, and very citizenship onto the same pyre as his sanity, Charles Foster Norris will take that long-desired seat at the head of the Lone Star Nation. There’s no telling whether or not he’ll preside in Austin, but I’m guessing they too will embark on a crusade to break away, making Austin proper the Lesotho of the American empire. Dallas is more to Chuck’s liking, I’m guessing, and only time will tell whether he’ll be more Braddock or Walker, Texas Ranger. Either way, he’ll make Sam Houston look like an ailing grandmother. It’s refreshing that a man so selfless and patriotic is willing to interrupt his busy schedule for armed treason, but we’ve known the score all along, at least since Top Dog. Lest that title make you giggle, remember that even Ronald Reagan had his Bedtime for Bonzo.

One begins to think that it’s as inevitable as the tide, or the sunrise, or the ass-blasting scandal from your local parish. So what on earth has made him step forward? A cursory reading of his fevered column reveals a disdain for high debt and government overreach, but I’m fairly certain Chuck failed to storm the gates during the last eight years of wiretapping, deficit spending, and illegal invasions. Fair enough. Then there’s something about the Constitution only protecting moral and religious people, but he cites John Adams, so I’m not about to call the quote out for a failure of context. We’ll take Norris at his word. He then says we “ooze skepticism” from every pore, which would seem to be favorable to a man seeking to overthrow the government, but here, it’s a cause for concern. Apparently, Norris needs his followers in mindless lockstep before they murder the entire U.S. Congress. Much of the rest of it concerns vague rambling about “rising up” and “not taking it anymore,” which is, I suppose, his way of calling for heads to roll without actually providing the guillotine. Even Chuck needs an out if the FBI comes calling. So here we are: does free speech encompass armed revolt? Is it every citizen’s duty to so love his country that he’d rather see it destroyed than in the hands of David Souter? And why is the treason of the Right more palatable – cozier, even – than the so-called treason of the Left? And does all this mean that we won’t get a sequel to Sidekicks?


Well, I’m here to tell you that we should take Chuck’s cry in the darkness as seriously as he takes his personal grooming. We may actually wait for him to pick up a shotgun, or download wanted posters onto his website, but there’s no time like the present for a legitimate pre-emptive strike: hang Mr. Norris by the neck until dead. Yes sir, the traitor’s necktie. He wants it, he shouts for it, so let him have it. We’ll even perform the deed on his native soil, perhaps allowing for a military funeral. Hell, give him a plot in Arlington just to piss off his ghost. But die he must. What message would we be sending our children if we allowed him to escape unharmed? Far from merely criticizing his country – holding it accountable – while boots are on the ground, no less, Mr. Norris is pleading for it to dissolve like ambition in the ghetto. My god, he even calls his people “cell groups,” like the Confederacy never died and instead waited it out in some Alabama brush. And whenever a caged animal cites the Alamo as inspiration, one best back the hell up and await the bloodbath. A bullet right between the eyes might be more efficient, but that’s a bit too rushed for our man Chuck. We wouldn’t want to deny him some last words.

Is there anything that can stop the mad rush to secession? How on earth can we bring the almighty Texas back into the fold? For one, we need to eliminate all taxes save the national sales tax. So what if the revenue shortfall will run in the hundreds of billions of dollars; we’ll make up for it by slashing each and every federal program (entitlements included), save missile defense. And who cares that Texas receives enough pork to serve an Astrodome-sized BBQ; it’s the principle of the thing we’re after. No more NASA, Fort Hood, oil depletion allowance, interstates, police, libraries, or schools, sure, but isn’t that why we feed at the teat of privatization? With a little grit, hard work, and plum luck, Texans will get it done, if only because Norris isn’t about to reform the prison system in the wake of independence. Get busy working, or get busy walking the line to Huntsville. And if the whole damn state becomes one giant maximum-security prison, so much the better. It’s all they’ve really been asking for since the annexation. The Civil War hasn’t settled shit, my fellow Americans, and if Chuck sees a provision in some dusty treaty, it’s there. Let him start the engines. And die for his trouble. If that’s even possible.

About Matt

Matt is the site’s Longest Serving Critic and chief misanthrope. He divides his time between classics of cinema and the most ridiculous movies he can find on Redbox.
Follow Matt: @mattcale52