ONE HIT WONDERS OF 80S ACTION VOL VIII

Mary, Cyborg

Not worthy of a last name, but certainly worthy of
recognition among the elite 80s action one-hit wonderfuls is Mary (Terrie
Batson), pictured here cradling her treacherous little sister in the 1989 Van
Damme classic, Cyborg. We see her
gardening. We see her sleeping. We see her fumble through what few lines she utters
and then we see her die. Though overshadowed by Debbie Richter through most of
the film, it’s our wide-eyed Mary who remains the driving force behind Van
Damme’s blank stares, his murderous intent, and above all, his absolutely
blazing, wildfire gayness. To put Mary’s importance in perspective we must
recall what is arguably the most homoerotic scene in 80s action history. During
an intimate moment by the campfire, Richter reaches into her shirt and presents
JC with one of her tits— a lopsided, leathery thing assuredly, but a tit
nonetheless. Without blinking, as if he were offended by the gesture, JC
reaches over and covers up the cleavage with more conviction than anything he
displays in his fight scenes. After denying Richter (and the viewer) the
pleasure of his taut Belgian ass, he quickly flashes back to none other than
Mary, the woman who persuaded him to give up the life, put away the knives, and
forever put away his cock.

Mary hires JC to escort her and her siblings out of the
plague-riddled wasteland, chock full of bandits, lowlifes, mercenaries, and
some of the meanest mullets this side of the Double Deuce. After finding a quaint cottage in the countryside,
she asks JC in the sweetest of voices to “stay awhile,” and so he does. Time
passes, they get to know each other, settle down, and presumably have sex,
though we don’t actually see any sex
as this is a Cannon enterprise.
Awkward sex is definitely implied though. So of course JC retires his weapons, trims
the roadkill on his head and relaxes his guard. Things appear tranquil for a
time; days, possibly even weeks pass until the “flesh pirates” show up and reduce
JC to a bloody mound of whimpering pulp. Shortly thereafter they tie him to
Mary and one of the children before hurling the trio to their muddy deaths at
the bottom of an abandoned well. JC survives the fall through sheer cast iron
will, emerging from the squalid pit with retribution on his mind, the kind of
retribution that demands swiftness, savagery, and many ounces of baby oil.

Mary’s death, while tragic and gruesome, is necessary to bring
our hero full circle and preserve his rippled abs. As a dutiful woman of the
80s action age she must die or be maimed, because to settle with a female is to
toil in emasculation. Mary pays with her life for her seductive transgression,
thus giving JC the option, the only
option, to reinvent himself in the combative arms of another sweaty, grunting
man. Be it her petite frame, her quiet desperation, or her ability to somehow
slip in and out of a southern accent, Mary must be given credit because, after
all, it is her memory that allows JC to kick through a boat mast and survive
his crucifixion. Mary indeed. From what I gather Terrie Batson has, sadly,
appeared in only three other movies outside of Cyborg as an “infected woman,” a “photo double,” and the all
important “street person.” It is also possible she may have been a background
dancer in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II.
Likely saddled now with a throng of ungrateful children, a demeaning job, and a
flabby husband, she can always return to her brief moment as our beloved Mary
in a time of true purpose and sacrifice—a time before the darkened, bottomless,
and boob-filled well of the 90s and beyond.

Volume I

Volume II

Volume III

Volume IV

Volume V

Volume VI

Volume VII

About Mike von Hobart

Mike has 4 skills in life- drinking, reviewing black metal, being unemployed, and general uselessness. He writes about 2 pieces a year, but they are invariably our most popular because our readership is comprised of 17 year-old Scandinavian virgins, by which we mean 28 year-old Scandinavian virgins.