kickboxer 3


“First there was Van Damme, then Sasha Mitchell, Now Sasha’s back and he’s hotter (!) and deadlier than ever!”

Entire Story in Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence:

Kickboxing champ saves hookers from scuzzy American pimp.


This is a film where the hero kickboxer wears red overalls with nothing else underneath.   Then there’s the training montage in which Sasha Mitchell is forced to undergo extreme labor for no other reason than for us to witness sweaty hunk muscle for an extended period. We see Mitchell digging a ditch were he is all sweaty and dirty, during which he looks over at his Asian sensei, only to flash forward to Sasha bathing in a waterfall, not unlike a porno. All that’s missing is for his master to come behind him and grab his pecs.  Also, Sasha’s Asian mentor coats him with mud and in the beginning of the picture, is giving him a back massage before Mitchell goes out and kicks paper cups off people’s heads. Let us not also forget that Mitchell bonds with a Rio kid whose sister has been kidnapped by a white slavery ring. Also, as soon as Mitchell dances with a woman in a bar, he is then attacked by a man, which leads to another fight sequence. Suffice it to say, the gayest part happens in the climatic fight sequence in which Mitchell fights a kickboxer who kicks him in the balls. And of course, there’s a sequence where Mitchell takes a pail of water and pours the contents on the bad guy fighter for no other reason than to see his muscles glisten a little bit more. There is no love interest whatsoever and in fact, there isn’t even an attractive woman in the entire movie, which is bizarre given that Rio is known to be filled with hot beach bunnies. Perhaps the director wants us to get inside the head of our hero, who sees women as unattractive because he’s madly in love with pecs, oiled muscle, and his street kid. It speaks volumes that Mitchell would be trying to stop a pimp, which would stop us regular Joes from scoring pussy in Rio.

Corpse Count:

14 exactly, and none in the ring. For some reason, Sasha Mitchell comes from the Chuck Norris school of ass-kicking instead of Van Damme (who is the older brother of his character in this series). He typically just kicks the crap out of various people and leaves them hurt, not dead. Still, there is a sequence where Mitchell and his mentor go around and wipe out some guards for no real reason, especially since the guards are protecting a guy who has nothing to do with the girl’s kidnapping. But I digress. The shootout is pretty hilarious, because Mitchell seems like Ted from Bill & Ted, and as such, is woefully inadequate.

Pre-Mortem One-Liner:

“This is very sad, how very disappointing,” after the pimp shoots one of the unattractive women he steals off the street, who has foolishly tried to leave.


Post-Mortem One-Liner:

“Killing someone never feels good,”  said by Mitchell after his kid friend kills the main bad guy, who just happens to have Mitchell at gun point. What makes it great is that prior to this, Mitchell killed like 6 random people who had nothing to do with the kid’s sister who was kidnapped.

How Bad Is It Really?:

About as good as Kickboxer 2, which should you tell you everything. Mainly because Sasha Mitchell is like a surfer dude who like has really awesome kickin’ skills, man.   Seriously, imagine Keanu Reeves from Point Break and you have Sasha Mitchell. Only without the depth and range. That being said, the movie is boring with too many sequences of Mitchell and his mentor going down town Rio and talking to various people. I did laugh at Mitchell’s black and white zubas and yellow sleeveless shirt,  and I also loved how people actually paid money to see him kick paper cups off people’s heads. Aside from that, the movie’s pacing is as flabby as my beer belly. And let’s not even get into the fact that Sasha Mitchell is easily the best actor in the cast. The best.

Novelty Death:

I would have to go with the sequence where Mitchell shoots a machine gun while spinning around in a completely unconvincing manner. The novelty death is pretty routine as these things go, but the ballet-type sway he performs as he shoots his machine gun is enough for at least a partial erection.

Stupid Political Content:

Nothing really, except that we need to help out the poor Third World countries because that’s what a champion should do. And donating part of your winnings to sponsor a poor lad’s education is also what a champion does, making this a bit too left-of-center for the genre.

What You Learned:

That Rio has nothing but ugly hookers, in violation of every travel brochure in Christendom.

About Phil