Say it with me:

  • Is this yet another Hollywood concoction that believes all unmarried, childless men are immature clowns who hate their lives?
  • Is this the kind of film where not wanting to spend every waking moment in the presence of self-absorbed friends, co-workers, and eccentric females is seen as a sign of suicidal depression?
  • Is this the holiday classic where the only route to popularity, sex, and career advancement is to be a doormat for dullards and dipshits?
  • Will Jim Carrey get his dick sucked by an octogenarian? And will there be a shot of the old bat’s false teeth being dropped into a bedside glass of water right before she gets started?
  • Will yet another Asian character actor step forward to act as the comic foil, which usually amounts to little more than acting Asian? Shall we make it two?
  • Will Zooey Deschanel show up as the girl of his dreams? The one who’s his polar opposite, yet soooo right for him, because all stable relationships involve at least one person who makes a living in a Los Angeles bar band called Munchausen By Proxy? Even though the same five people are the only ones who ever show up for their concerts?
  • And will her band mates wear sea horses on their heads at some point?
  • And will her other job involve 6am jogging sessions whereby participants learn how to take pictures while running at full speed?
  • And will these same snapshots find their way into a hip art gallery by journey’s end?
  • Will Zooey one-up her quirky quotient from All the Real Girls by a factor of ten? And will she renew calls for her violent death by a factor of twenty?
  • Is that General Zod guy playing yet another asshole creep, a part from which he’s never wavered for at least a half-century?
  • Will Jim’s ex-wife fall in love with him all over again because he’s now spontaneous and fun? Will he reject her advances in the final act because he actually loves Zooey? And will his attempt to win back her heart involve a frantic motorcycle chase and at least one shot of his ass cheeks?
  • Will Jim mug endlessly, yet not generate a single laugh for the longest two hours of my life so far? And will I admit to seeing this time-waster at 10am on my fucking day off?
  • Will I regret not sticking with my initial instinct to post a simple “NO” as the sum total of the review?
About Matt

Matt is the site’s Longest Serving Critic and chief misanthrope. He divides his time between classics of cinema and the most ridiculous movies he can find on Redbox.
Follow Matt: @mattcale52