“This villain must not be a very smart one,”
I thought as I prepared to view The Texas Vibrator Massacre, “vibrators
are a notoriously ineffective implement of massacre. Unless I’m reading
it wrong and the vibrators are the ones being massacred, screaming helplessly like phallic neon Mr Bills before being mushed into a pulp. No, that can’t be it,” I thought, “only the Christian Right would jerk off to that, and everyone knows their porn loyalty lies with the White Wife Black Cock series.”
The movie begins with a brief argument among a vanful of lost
teenagers followed by a 13-minute sex scene. Wow, it must be hard work
writing these real film-takeoff pornos…“Alright, so in the next scene
of Schindler’s List (Of People I Want to Fuck),
our two stars are under the floorboard hiding from the Nazis and then,
hmm…[removes glasses and taps pen to mouth thoughtfully]…they do anal!
OK, in the next scene, Peter North is keeping watch over the labor yard
from the terrace and firing cumshots at the slow workers…” Anyway, the
guy in this scene is hung like a horse, provided the horse has a
two-and-a-half-inch cock. While performing fellatio on him, Bella Lynn
simultaneously performs the embarrassing thumb-and-forefinger jerk—it’s
safe to say you won’t be doing any Levitra commercials when the girls
have to hold your dick like a teacup.
After our two fornicators are the first to be killed (see, black
people? It’s not always you), Ruby Knox and her boyfriend knock
frantically on the door of Jamie Elle, who responds to their
predicament with the eloquence of a Special Olympic cheerleader. Ruby
seems to take it pretty well when her man is led out of the room by a
giggling dink in pigtails, and when an excessively tattooed weirdo
walks into the room and begins creepily licking her arms and shoulders,
she quickly falls under his spell—and here I’ve been busting my ass
trying to think of clever pick-up lines! Meanwhile, after Jamie gulps
down his sinkchildren, her new acquaintance goes in for a kiss, to
which she responds “No! These lips are for my brother only!” and cuts
off his arm with an axe and starts eating it. God, if I had a nickel…
Just as I was about to march back into the adult film store and
chew the clerk out about the movie’s lack of an actual vibrator
massacre, we get our first one at 52 minutes in. Our villain—we’ll
stick with the name Leatherface since that probably pretty closely
describes his performance in acting school—enlists the use of a
motorized superdildo that looks like a joint inventive effort from
MacGyver and Max Hardcore to dispatch Ruby before taking turns licking
the cuntblood off the weapon with Daisy Tanks (Eew! He licked it right
where she licked it!)
In the next scene, Jamie gets pooned by her partner in front of
their unwilling captive, kind of like Lynndie England only without the
cock. In what’s a rare sight in porn these days, Jamie takes the money
shot right where God intended it. I hope she remembered her birth
control–you’re probably in for a rough time in high school when your
friends can boast that they’ve jerked off to you being conceived.
Roxy Deville seems surprisingly willing to get choded by
Leather-“Can No Longer Look My Parents in the”-Face, considering he is
a deranged killer holding her hostage–if you thought make-up sex was
hot, you’ve obviously never witnessed “You just murdered and ate my
friends in a shitty film parody” sex! As he is spewing pud-gunk, Roxy
plunges a nearby knife into his leg and runs to safety (which I’d have
probably done before
servicing his dork in several different positions, but hey). After
waking up in a hospital bed and being questioned by a “police
investigator” for several minutes, she is promptly hacked to pieces as
the director treats us to various shots of the sexy corpse—great, now
I’m aware of the fact that I’m a necrophiliac.
Overall, I give this film a satisfactory 3 out of 5 Hand Callouses.
The humor value is at just the right level where an unexpected laughing
fit won’t force you to reset your masturbation session, but I felt they
could have stayed a little truer to the originals, like maybe have the
villain chase after the girl with her dead boyfriend’s cock draped over
his own cock. “Quick, run while he’s trying to force it on there! Thank
God your boyfriend was Asian!”
^ Top
Forum >