So, you’re disgusted by your
body. Well, so is everyone else! Your bloated breasts, hips, bottom and
belly, rather than arouse men, sicken and disturb them, meaning, you’re
not contributing to society. It’s time to change all that, sister!
Just follow this easy guide and you’ll be showing off your femurs
this swimsuit season. And unlike those other fad eating disorder diets,
like anorexia, with bulimia you get to eat whatever you want and never
gain a pound—all in 5 easy steps!
Step 1) Cultivate shame/self-disgust
A lot of girls think they can just start binging and
purging, but without the proper mental framework, they’ll never
last. The amount of shame and guilt you feel should be directly proportional
to your weight. The fatter, the more shame! Bulimia Bonus Tip: Look for
cues in fashion magazines, for the appropriate amount of disgust you should
feel.
Step 2) Distort your body image
Listen to what no one says regarding your weight. They
don’t know! Only you can see the numerous and cellulite encrusted
flaws that you obviously posses. Your acute perception will come in handy
when you actually lose a few pounds. Without it, you may be inclined to
stop punishing your body before becoming dangerously and beautifully thin.
No pain no gain!
Step
3) Binge!
We know, fatty, the bulimia method can seem tough at
first, but this part should be easy. You’ll take to it like a whale
to the chocolate sea, cramming and jamming insane varieties and quantities
of unhealthy food down your throat. This is the easy part, and likely,
you’ve already had a lot of practice.
Step 4) Purge!
Insert a finger, spoon, pencil or wooden dowel down your
throat to trigger the gag reflex and watch those unsightly pounds pour
forth in an undigested river—like magic! You’ll need to do
this immediately after eating, before the evil food has a chance to nourish
your hideous body and turn you back into a fat cow. If you’re going
out to dinner, bring some breath mints!
Step 5) Home puking
Mostly, you’re going to want to be alone for steps
3 & 4. This ensures maximum binging and unhindered purging. If you
have roommates or live with your parents, keep empty pickle jars and Tupperware
on hand at all times—under your bed or in a closet will do. And
don’t forget trash day!
Repeat steps 1 – 5 until you wake up in a hospital
somewhere, weak, disoriented, thin and gorgeous. It’s that easy!
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