Amy Reid (not pictured: asscum)
True to its name, Cum in My Ass, Not in My Mouth 5 (because
the latter would just be uncouth), features four-plus hours of some
good old-fashioned Polish procreation. Not to get all nostalgic, but
remember the old days when porn titles used to be clever take-offs on
the names of real films? Now it’s all like, Prolapse My Rectum Until My Bowel Movements are No Longer Voluntary, Volume 7!” I mean, where’s the subtlety?
Scene 1 opens with our two male protagonists getting pulled over
for drunk driving by Amy Ried, aka “Officer Naughty” (The moral of the
story here is that the more wasted you get before driving, the higher
the chance you’ll be able to sodomize a besiliconed female in a “Slutty
Cop” Halloween costume). When the driver is unable to produce his
registration, Amy asks if he would like to engage in sexual intercourse
in lieu of an arrest. Shocked and appalled at this lewd proposal, he
promptly shouts an empathic “No!”, at which point the end credits roll.
It was at this point that I decided to stop buying my porn at Walmart.
Upon downloading an illegal torrent of the film, I found that this
scene is a spirited effort by Amy Ried, whose work I’m surprised I’ve
never seen before—when your pussy looks like the Eye of Sauron, it’s
safe to say your porn resume necessitates the use of a paper clip.
Scene 2 begins with Mark Ashley sitting at the computer and talking
to his friend on the phone when Aline somehow teleports into the room
and inexplicably begins horking his mule—I guess the WGA was still on
strike when it was filmed. After getting double-teamed so hard you’d
think the ref had been knocked out with a folding chair, Aline takes
two loads in the ol’ David Hager and proceeds to take a DNA-dump off
the side of the bed…Now, I pride myself on being pretty depraved, but I
can’t imagine actively seeking out pornos that feature this specific
activity—it’s like tugging your pud to Krang puking.
Cody Lane is actually hot enough to lead a successful,
non-degrading existence while still not being intelligent or skilled at
anything, which leaves only one reason why she chose a career in porn
(it rhymes with “laped in a rice cream truck”). I don’t want to give
away the surprise twist at the end of this scene, but I think I heard
the enema crew shouting picket slogans in the parking lot. The good
news is that once Cody is ready to retire from porn, she can always
rack up a few extra bucks as the spokeswoman for Depends.
They say you learn something new every day; the final scene taught
me that cum being farted out sounds like somebody opening the plastic
wrap on a CD. After watching a scene conclude in this manner for a few
straight times now, I have a strange urge to whack it to scrambled
pay-per-view porn; I think it’s like when you drive so far that your
odometer rolls back around to zero.
Well folks, America has spoken, and it turns out the vagina just
isn’t all that interesting anymore. The popularity it once had appears
to have been usurped by its Cool Roommate, the butthole: it’s tighter,
it’s warmer, and it makes feminist groups even more upset–what’s not
to love? Note: While writing this, I had to Google the movie title to
make sure I had all the stars’ names straight—do you know there are
people out there who actually take reviewing porn seriously? Like, who
is actually reading this shit and going “Woah woah woah, you mean they
go from Reverse Cowgirl straight into Ass-to-Mouth? Fucking amateurs! I
may as well be beating off to my imagination!” Anyway, I guess what I’m
trying to say with all this is worship Jesus.
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