Teen Fuck Holes 7
Scene 1: Veronique Vega’s genetic makeup couldn’t be more fortunate
for us chronic masturbators—she’s got all the curves and youthful good
looks of a Victoria’s Secret Model with a shnozz just big enough to
garner the grade-school ridicule to send her into a career in porn. Her
rookie’s enthusiasm originally led me to believe that this was her
adult film debut, so you can imagine my surprise upon viewing the
topographical map of the Alps she had hidden under her panties. I’m not
sure if this is true for all girls from whatever country Veronique
hails from, but the area surrounding her butthole looks like some kind
of mesmerizing grey whale cornea. That may be the most romantic
sentence I’ve ever constructed about anyone.
Barbie Cummings sports that “blue-eyed, blonde Southern
cheerleader” look, the only difference being the paleness of the two
simultaneous cocks in her vagina. At one point, one of her costars
fucks her doggie-style with one foot pinning the back of her head to
the couch–perhaps a bit more prudent when fucking a rabid wolverine
than a middle-school dropout with fake tits. At the end of the scene,
when Barbie turns to the camera with a mouthful of future Einsteins and
asks, “Are you gonna go jack off to that?”, it really made me
appreciate the fact that were it just a second earlier in geologic
time, I’d still be beating off to cave-paintings of stickwomen with
goat-heads.
The fact that Leah Luv has braces made it that much harder for me
to acquire this film, as Woody Allen had already bought every remaining
copy. Leah is the only star to be anally invaded in this feature; I
guess it was part of the “every other girl in this movie is hotter than
you” clause in her contract. The scene begins with a stand-up doggie
followed by Slinkie-style, which is a term I just coined to describe
sex on a stairway. Also included is a brief fucking of Leah’s asscrack
itself, which would be the popular pastime following abstinence
education classes were it not for the existence of the anus. The scene
wraps up with Leah slurping her partner’s eel-vomit off a glass table
zamboni-style—and they say nobody’s excited about the start of hockey
season!
Divine’s star performance in Scene 4 made me lament the fact that
there aren’t more young black girls like her in porn; it’s a shame they
all have their hands full raising their kids. Divine, who has the honor
of being voted by the Republican National Committee as the nation’s
finest 3/5 of a piece of ass, does a fine job of masking her shock
while a sexual partner actually performs cunnilingus on her. This
cinematic tribute to the career of Strom Thurmond concludes with a
creampie…or should I say COOKIES n’ cream pie? (Jesus—I could be a
monologue writer for Bill Maher with zingers like that) .
I cannot say enough good things about the work of Paulina James—she
may very well be solely responsible for the “smoker’s teeth” hue of the
wifebeater under my bed. My favorite position for Paulina would have to
be reverse cowgirl, as it gives her a chance to display her mighty
clitoris; make no mistake–when it comes to clitoral matters, I won’t
accept anything less than the “Facehugger from Alien”
look. The traditional money-shot on the stomach at this scene’s finish
is a throwback to the classic 1970s style of porn, minus the
Snuffleupagus-sized yodelpatch on the girl’s privates, of course.
Well, as always, I hope you enjoyed witnessing my ongoing journey
through the double-digit circles of Hell. Now if you’ll excuse me,
these first grade spelling tests don’t grade themselves!
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