Ruthless Guide to 80s Action
TIMELINE
See how it all started, and ended, on our comprehensive 80s
Action Timeline. You think
www.flickfilospher.com is going to do shit like this? Hells
no!
1969
The Wild Bunch
introduces the world to cinema so violent, you need a pen
and paper to count the corpses. Director, Sam Peckinpah
offers a hyper-machismo that would latter morph into
outright homoeroticism during the 1980s.
1971
 
Dirty Harry gives
us a clearer idea of what will come in the following decade.
One-liners, a huge gun and a renegade cop who gets results,
in spite of the liberal justice system and a plague of badge
taking Stupid Chiefs.
Pauline Kael trashes Don Siegal’s masterpiece as
fascist. Screenwriter John Milius, who gave us, "Are you
feeling lucky, punk?" calls himself a "zen fascist."
1974
Charles Bronson (R.I.P.)
stars in Death Wish,
which helps to further establish the 80s Action template
with a violent revenge fantasy conveying the flaws of
political liberalism. The film’s sequels will be among the
finest examples of pure 80s Action.
1977
Pumping Iron released. Arnold Schwarzenegger
begins his rise to the top. It takes American men the next
sixteen years to lose their erections.
1979
Israeli producers Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus purchase
Cannon Films, through which they would make the Death Wish
sequels,
Invasion USA,
7 Ninja movies
and much more of the 80s Action canon.
1980
Regan elected.
Liberalism takes a twelve-year vacation, along with its
friends, freedom and intellectualism.
1981
Ronald Reagan
shot. Hinckley misses sainthood by half an inch.
Vigilante-ism nearly perfected. Gun sales soar. Future
80s Action stars heed the call, begin lifting weights,
purchasing body oil, etc.
1982
Producers figure out that putting a sword or a gun into
the hands of men that you find really, really hot masks the
homoeroticism.
Conan the Barbarian and
First Blood
released.
1983
The calm before the storm. Nothing 80s Action
related happens. People flock to family-friendly films like
Return of the Jedi instead.
1984
Things begin to boil.
Missing In
Action released. Vietnam revisionism grabs the
nation by the throat and refuses to let go until every last
man comes home. Cameron and Stallone begin scripting
Rambo. PMRC
formed. George Orwell vindicated, etc.
1985-87
The golden era of 80s Action. Reagan re-elected.
Films released during these years include,
Rambo,
Raw Deal,
Red Sonja,
Invasion USA,
Death Wish 3,
Robocop,
Over The Top,
Commando,
Cobra, and
The Delta Force.
80s Action refuses to be contained only to the silver
screen as Ollie North begins his rise to fame.
1988-89
The press begins to realize that Iran-Contra is not an
80s Action film (though it should be). Right wing, chest
thumping, pseudo-fascism is on the way out. Van Damme debuts
in Bloodsport. John Carpenter releases
They Live as
a reaction to eight years of Reaganism. George Bush Sr.
accidentally elected. 80s Action films begin their
decline. See Red Heat.
1990-1993
Gulf War I breaks out. Bush’s tough guy persona mystifies
the world for 8 months. 80s Action sequels become
derivative parodies of earlier, crappier derivative sequels.
Rocky V,
American Ninja
V, The Last Action Hero and Abs of Steel
represent the death throes of a once dominant genre. A man
named "Bubba" from Arkansas who openly enjoys sex with
women is elected president of the United States.
Pornographers everywhere celebrate. Raunch III,
Raunch IV and Raunchy Ranch released.
1994
Pulp Fiction
released. Containing all the meaningless death and bullshit
one-liners of any 80s Action movie worth its salt,
Tarantino's arrival effectively kills the genre. Much like
Kurt Cobain destroyed hair metal with equally loud guitars,
Quentin's stylized "hip" carnage and pop-culture aware
one-liners effectively ends the careers of Swarzenegger,
Stallone, Norris, Lundgren, Bronson, Swayze, and Brigitte
Nielsen. Maria Conchito Alonso is out; Uma Thurman is in.
Jean-Claude Van Damme, for some reason, soldiers on.
1996
Will Smith stars in Independence Day, helping to
usher in an era of action movies in which special effects
are more important than gratuitous violence/overt
homosexuality. Action stars become child-friendly pussies.
2000
Charlie's
Angels is released. The film succeeds where earlier
efforts, such as Red
Sonja failed: in advancing the absurd proposition
that we would prefer hot women to chiseled hunks of beefcake
in action movies. Vin Diesel stands as the lone champion of
80s-Style Homoerotic Action.
2001
Terrorists attack New York, D.C. and Pennsylvania killing
nearly 3,000 innocent Americans. Schwarzenegger, Stallone
and Chuck Norris are conspicuously absent. The Patriot Act
is signed into law by President Bush. Renegade cops who play
by their own rules are now acting in accordance with the
law. No more will Stupid Chiefs be able to demand
that our hero turn in his badge and gun. Fascism on the
rise. John Ashcroft is not mercilessly beaten in
streets. Hello, 80s.
2003
Arnold is the second cast member of
Predator to
become a governor. During the campaign he delivers what will
most certainly be his last, great, Pre-Mortem One-Liner
to his then rival, Arianna Huffinton, "I have a perfect part
for you in Terminator 4." It is the only thing Arnold
says during the entire campaign other than "I will say hasta
la vista baby... to high taxes!" Or "Remember when I said
I’d kill high taxes last? I lied." And "I will terminate
high taxes!" Finally winning, Schwarzenneger declares,
"Bustamante, Cruz Over!" It's all moot though, for
governors solve problems with pens, not with bulging biceps
and automatic weapons. Lame...
Kill Bill completes the demolition of the 80s
Action template by combining the awareness of Pulp
Fiction with the vaginas of
Charlie's Angels,
Tomb Raider, etc.
Ruthless Reviews publishes the definitive
Ruthless Guide
To 80s Action.
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