Dallas Cowboys (11-5)
They win by default because the rest of the East is total shit, rather than because they are so talented and disciplined. Any team with Terrell Owens parading around like a prima donna drama queen with more issues than Liz Taylor is going to suffer from his annoying act. However, they have a fast, hard-hitting defense, two solid running backs who share the load, and Tony Romo developing into a Pro Bowl-caliber quarterback. However, even with Bill Parcells cracking the whip, the Cowboys were incredibly inefficient and a veritable failure on special teams. However, they are also very talented, and if they can avoid even a third of the drama they experienced last year, they should win 11 games and the division with ease. However, all you have to do is take a look at the closet homosexual playing wide receiver and youíll get an idea of how shaky this club really is. Anything between seven and 11 wins is possible. Book with confidence.
Philadelphia Eagles (10-6)
Don McNabb can still bring it, but his running back canít stay out of the trainerís room meaning that if they are lucky, they can squeeze by with 10 wins. That is of course if their head coach doesnít have to keep bailing his kids out of jail for acting like complete dumbfucks on a regular basis. Calling this team the class of the NFC is completely out of line when their top receivers are Kevin Curtis and Reggie Brown and the linebacking corps is staffed with Chris Gocong and Omar Gathier. Who are they, you ask? Two youngsters who still need to learn how to shed blocks.That means Sean Considine will be having to step up and make a lot more hits from the strong safety spot, leaving his buddies in the secondary vulnerable to play action. Pull that shit against teams like San Francisco and†Los Angeles†at your own risk.
New York Giants (8-8)
Giants are footing the bill for the most expensive soap opera on network television. What a bunch of fucking bitches, and Tiki Barber isnít even playing anymore. Michael Strahan is proving that he is without a doubt the moodiest bitch on the club. Eli finally stood up for himself, but only after Tiki was safely far away from the locker room stuttering away on NBCís pregame show. Jeremy Shockey, who has more injuries than catches, still canít tell the difference between a threesome and a forgy. And as for Tom Coughlin, heís a cunty grandmother cut from the same cloth as Babs Bush, only without the charisma and with submoron intelligence. Wellington Mara is spinning in his grave and Bill Parcells will be climbing into his Cadillac to roll in from Long Island to ďsaveĒ another franchise after Coughlin gets fired in week 10 when this piece-of-shit club is 4-6.
Washington Redskins (6-10)
Joe Gibbs should just take the cross out of his ass because prayer and relying on Mark Brunell got him jack shit. Whatís more, his insistence on using Clinton Portis in the preseason and his subsequent injury demoralized the team until Ladell Betts did an impression of Larry Csonka and Jim Kiick and cranked out 1,154 yards in nine games. Because Jason Campbell is still learning, Santana Moss and Antawn Randle El will rot downfield because every pass will be a checkdown to Chris Cooley as Campbell gets his feet wet. The defense is fine in the secondary and at linebacker, but they are a pushover up front. Just run up the middle and force them to bring a safety up before you eviscerate them with deep balls off play action. Every year fans in Washington must be thinking to themselves, ďDan Snyder needs to stay the fuck away from the general managerís office.Ē
Chicago Bears (12-4)
Scanning the Bears lineup is like drooling over a buffet of prime rib, Yorkshire Pudding, lobster, barbecued spare ribs and shrimp cocktails before suddenly realizing someone left a steaming pile of dogshit right in the middle of the spread. The offending pile of shit would be Rex Grossman, if you havenít already guessed, and as long as he is their quarterback this team will never win a Super Bowl. I know, people used to say the same things about Terry Bradshaw, and if Rex turns out like him, Iíll take it all back. Until then, the Bears are fucked. Oh, theyíll win 12 games, run Cedric Benson into the ground, ride a dominant defense to the playoffs, and maybe get to the NFC Championship Game if they get a break or two. But if they face New Orleans again, in the Superdome, theyíll be shipping Grossman off to Miami for a fourth-round pick.
Minnesota Vikings (8-8)
No offense equals no playoffs, and thatís a shame because this Adrian Peterson kid could be special if he avoids another serious injury. However, heís surrounded by Tavarus Jackson and a bunch of mediocre receivers making his assimilation into the league a never ending pain in the ass. The defense is really, really fucking good, and if Jackson can develop quickly, the Bi-Queens could be stomping on some teamsí nuts with their stiletto heels and rubbing their pancake makeup in someoneís eye on their way to 10 wins. However, I expect them to end up with a sore, bleeding ass, ripped up nylons and bruises on their eyes from getting the shit beat out of them by teams that can actually pass the ball with a degree of competence.
Green Bay Packers (7-9)
Oh, will it ever end? How much longer do we have to hear about this horseshit? How much longer do we have to see Brett Favre throw more touchdowns than interceptions? How much longer do I have to hear about his fucking toughness? How much longer will we have to hear him hem and haw in the fucking off-season. But like a bowl of deep-fried cheese and an ice-cold Miller, old reliable will be out there giving Packer fans gas and everyone else something to chuckle about as he tosses three interceptions a game. Favre at quarterback would actually be doable if the Packers had a running game that didnít rely on two guys I wonít bother naming since the only people who would give a shit are their moms. This team will be taking a huge step backwards after really improving up front on both offense and defense last year. Now, of course they could pull a turnaround job like the Jets (who were terrible in the running game) and surprise some people, but I figure maybe eight wins if theyíre lucky since Favre thinks he can beat double teams just because heís Brett Fucking Favre. Enjoy the turnovers, fuckhead.
Detroit Lions (5-11)
No one is really criticizing Matt Millen for grabbing Calvin Johnson in the first round. They are criticizing him for seriously fucking up every draft heís ever run prior to last year. Ernie Sims turned out to be a serious badass at linebacker thus making Matt Millen 1-3 in his drafts and thus qualified to run Ford. But apparently someone has been handing out acid-tinged communion wafers during preseason workouts because Jon Kitna is running around telling everyone the Lions will win 10 games. Cut that number in half and youíre dealing with an earthly reality that doesnít rely on prayer, holy water, and blind faith. Mike Martzís offense is going to roll up big yards and possibly big points, but the defense is still two steps behind. Sims and friends will spend a lot of time on the field because Martz does not believe in running the ball, much less controlling the clock, making for what could be a very ugly season filled with a lot of 38-30 losses.
New Orleans Saints (11-5)
Say hello to the best team in the NFC. Oh wait, with the loss to the Colts duly noted, they are still better on both sides of the ball than the Eagles and a more complete team than Chicago, but getting waxed by 31 points on opening night is not a good sign. Ink them in for 11 wins, but unless Reggie Bush gets over his case of the dropsies and Sean Payton begins to stretch defenses with deep balls, the Saints will have serious problems on offense and they will lose homefield advantage in the playoffs. Brees is best when he plays a medium range game, but a deep ball now and again keeps the defense honest. Look for the Saints to make adjustments and get the ball rolling again. Defensively, Indy raped them. Rod Flanders exposed their defensive backs and had them on their heels all day helping to make Joseph Addai look like Marshall Faulk. They will need to try and forget about the nightmare they just went through and prove themselves all over again. Tampa, Carolina and the like wonít be pulling that shit on them unless the Saints completely fuck themselves in the head and I doubt Payton will allow that to happen.
Carolina Panthers (9-7)
Yeah, so since they are not really expected to do much that means theyíll win 13 games and go the Super Bowl, right? Bullshit, these pussies couldnít find their cock in a whorehouse much less in a tightly contested game. DeAngelo Williams is being stunted in his development playing behind DeShaun Foster (who has never run for 1,000 yards) because John Fox has not figured out to use a two-back system, much less evaluate his running backs properly. As for this new zone-blocking scheme they are installing, Iíll believe it when I see it since itís one of the most complicated and difficult plans to learn and only one team (Denver) runs it with consistency. The defense is supposed to be spectacular, but they are old at linebacker and mediocre in the defensive backfield, so Julius Peppers and company better get innordinate pressure up front to keep the other team off the board. Donít count on it, sooner or later teams will figure out how to beat them with draws, screens and quick slants to neutralize the one strength they have on defense. But in a division this weak, they have a legitimate shot at the playoffs as a wild card.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-12)
Give it up, Gruden, your days as a genius are over unless you can completely revamp this bag of dicks. Besides Cadillac Williams, thereís not much to work with on offense. Jeff Garcia is only a stopgap at best, and with Chris Simms still recovering from having his spleen bifurcated — later removed — by a monster hit early last season, the Bucs are a long ways from attaining long term stability on offense. The defense is solid and competent, but with a gaggle of fuckups and retreads at receiver, unless they gel quickly and catch the balls that Garcia gets to them, it could get uglier than granny porn very fast in Tampa.
Atlanta Falcons (3-13)
Who knew a retarded asshole from a criminally insane family would be the downfall of your franchise? Trusting the future of the Falcons to Michael Vick was always considered a 50-50 risk at best considering his refusal to learn how to run an offense without resorting to bursting downfield after looking off one receiver. With him they may as well have installed the option and prayed for the best. Now, with Joey Harrington on his third team, the Falcons have to start all over again and frankly, thatís not a bad thing. Consider this, for his entire career Harrington has played on awful offenses better suited for sandlot leagues. Now, he gets to play with the superior tools that were given to Vick, but were never utilized because Vick never threw the ball with any efficiency. Joe Horne, Alge Crumpler, Michael Jenkins, and Roddy White at receiver is a solid mix to go with Warrick Dunn and Jerious Norwood in the backfield. There is a shitload of speed there, but frankly, the whole lot of them will be demoralized by losing the guy who never got them the ball. On defense they still have Keith Brooking, but thatís about it. Theyíre not terrible on defense, but only competent. If this team can win more than five years, they should get a fucking medal.
NFC West – Soon to be the best conference in football
Los Angeles Rams (12-4)
If there are not 12 wins on the board, the whole defensive staff should be fired. Adam Carriker looks like a fucking monster up front and capable of doing what Jimmy Kennedy and a whole slew of first round picks who preceded him could not: stop the run. The linebackers can tackle, but the defensive backs are the real issue since beyond Tye Hill, they seem to have trouble covering anyone. Expect a lot of blitzes to compensate for this groupís overall lack of speed and instinct. On offense itís a potential All Pro unit on one team. Marc Bulger, Steven Jackson and Tory Holt provide one of the best groups of offensive talent in football, and with the offensive line solidified they will put up 27 points a game and should win more than 10 games in a walk. However, there is a real danger on special teams. This group of fuckups should be given the Pink Panties Award for all the yardage they give up. They suck more cock than the streetwalkers in Berlin and consistently give up valuable field position. If that keeps happening, and the defense has to clamp down on too many short fields, the Rams will be nothing more than a .500 club.
San Francisco 49ers (10-6)
They are coming back, and when they do, itís going to get ugly. Mike Nolan has been steadily building the 49ers into a powerhouse by building around in Frank Gore, Alex Smith and Vernon Davis on offense while bringing in Pro Bowlers Nate Clements at cornerback, linebacker Tully Banta-Cain and safety Michael Lewis to build on an already budding defense. Nolan has instilled consistency and toughness into the Niners, something they lacked ever since the York family took over and gutted the team of coaches and players. Now, with their crippling salary cap problems behind them, they will be a fucking force, and next year they will be on the verge of dominating their conference.
Seattle Seahawks (9-7)
Just admit it, Seattle, you guys blew it. You had possibly one of the best collections of talent in the NFC, if not the NFL, just two years ago, but because you had a tight end who couldnít catch the ball and you spent too much time worrying about shitty calls in the Super Bowl, you lost your head and your way. Now, Seattle and Los Angeles have passed you by and not even your dope-addled fans and shitty weather can slow down your decline. Shawn Alexander might get a 1,000-yards and Matt Hasselbeck could get 25 TDs with the right breaks, but no one is intimidated by you anymore and beyond Walter Jones your offensive line is not only old, its not very good. Tough shit, you had an OK run, but it ends this year.
Arizona Cardinals (6-10)
ďIf only we had a defenseĒ will be the Cardinals’ mantra this season. While they are fucking stacked at the skill positions on offense, they are a wasteland on the side of the ball charged with knocking people out of their cleats. Edge could run for 2,000 yards and Matt Leinart could throw for 4,000 yards and 28 touchdowns, but in the end, they will lose 10 games because they are incapable of stopping cripples in wheelchairs from running them over. Until they find some bruisers who can wrap up and tackle (besides Adrian Berry and the oft-injured Bertrand Berry) they will never find a way to close teams out and win more than six games.
New Orleans 27, Philly 17
San Francisco 24, Dallas 14
Saints 27,†Rams 20
Bears 21, 49ers 10
NFC Championship Game
Bears 20, Saints 7 in the rain and shit of Soldier Field
Chargers 31, Bears 20