RUTHLESS NFL PICK-OFF: WEEK ONE

Denver at Cincinnati -4.5
josh-mcdaniels chad-ocho-cinco1
Dick:
What a revolting game this is. What will we see first, Josh McDaniels silently grimace like a retard who didnít get his Happy Meal after Kyle Orton throws his third interception or Chad Ochocinco† tweet that heís ready to join Chippendaleís as a feature dancer? Look, Cincy should win on general principle because McDaniels has ruined what was a solid team that was a couple of defensive players away from making a deep playoff run because he thinks heís Bill Belichick, but the problem is that the Bengals are, as evidenced by HBOís Hard Knocks, in more disarray than even the Broncos. Thereís no cohesion, no direction, and the Bengals are run by the worst owner/GM in football, Mike Brown, who doesnít even let his coaches coach.

Denver_Broncos_Helmet

Tony:
Have you ever heard of a dislocated knuckle that poked through the skin before? Seems like a pretty serious injury for the most important finger on the most important arm of the most important player on the team. I can’t tell if they’re making it a more serious injury to cover for the fact that Orton left a game as a result of a glorified paper cut, or if they’re being cool about what is actually a pretty serious injury. My point is, I think Orton’s current injury situation will turn out to be a microcosm of Denver’s entire season, which is to say, no one will really be sure what’s going on but it will be a total mess. That said, the Bengals went 4-11-1 last year, Carson Palmer is already hurt, and their best player is the NFL’s answer to Kim Jong-il. Denver covers.
Denver_Broncos_Helmet
Sax:
This trend of hiring young coordinators is really getting out of hand with McDaniels, who lost a promising young quarterback and alienated his star wideout trying to prove what a big man he is. The Broncos’ hire looks especially suspect since everyone else plucked from the Belichick coaching tree has been an utter failure. On the other hand, the Bengals are turning into the Clippers of the NFL. Christ, what a fucking stupid game. I put this one on the slate so we could make fun of Tony’s Broncos, but now I just feel depressed. I just can’t take the Bengals under any circumstances, and they’re giving points here. I’m backing Denver.

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Vikings at Cleveland +4

brett_favre mangina

Dick:
The line-maker at Caesarís must have come off a three-day bender when he made this one. Cleveland is one of the worst teams in football and their only contribution to the game over the last five years has been sending all of their first-round defensive busts to Denver expediting the firing of Mike Shanahan and helping to usher in the comedy show that is Josh McDaniels. There is no way Jamal Lewis gets more than 50 yards against Minnesotaís defense while the Browns, who havenít played defense since 1986, will give up 150 yards to Adrian Peterson. Even though Favre is old, gray, and incontinent, heíll be able to light these the Browns up for 250 yards and a touchdown or two.
Minnesota_Vikings_Helmet
Tony:
Is it me, or does Favre and the Vikings’ apparent sense of “finally!” make it seem like his arrival has been in the cards for far, far longer than anyone is letting on? Three truths: 1. The Vikings are going to get a lot of amazing plays and senior leadership from Favre. 2. The Vikings are going to get a lot boneheaded mistakes and old-guy poor judgement from Favre. 3. Favre looks fucking RIDICULOUS in a Vikings uniform. It makes me physically uncomfortable. Still, Favre is better for the Vikings than Hurrdurrnilus Jackson and Sage Rosenpenis combined. The Browns … have orange helmets. Vikings cover.

Minnesota_Vikings_Helmet

Sax:
Like basically everyone else in America, I can’t wait to see this Favre experiment blow up in Minnesota’s face, but we’re gonna have to wait until he gets banged up a little and the temperatures drop a bit. 4 points is an absurdly low line for Minnesota to be giving to a team as shitty as the Browns.

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Chicago at Green Bay -3.5

dclark aaronrodgers001
Dick:
Chicagoís the better team, but the spread flips to Green Bay because no one knows if the Bears receivers can catch Jay Cutlersí passes. There is no frozen tundra, there is no shitty weather, and the running game favors the Bears anyway, but this game will come down to who has a better game: Aaron Rodgers or Cutler. Cutlerís still considered a wild card because of the way he left Denver. Donít listen to it. He makes the Bears a 13-win team and while folks in Green Bay might have been pissed that Favre went to the Vikings, the Bears landing Cutler made everyone else in the division realize they are basically fucked unless Cutler explodes on the sidelines every six plays and punches Lovie Smith in the face on national television. Donít bet on it.

Chicago_Bears_Helmet

Tony:
How is Green Bay favored in this game? Brian “A Ray Lewis White People Can Be Comfortable With” Urlacher and the rest of the Windyville defense remain formidable. And I don’t know if you heard, but Chicago traded for a new quarterback. How, after finishing 6-10 last year, is Green Bay suddenly projected to walk away with the division? Yes, I know they installed Dom Capers and Capers installed a new 3-4 scheme and CHAMPIONSHIPS ARE WON ON DEFENSE, but I’m not buying it. If I were a gambling man or knew anything about football, I would say take Chicago to cover, but I’m not and I don’t, so, look for Chicago to cover.

Chicago_Bears_Helmet

Sax:
Who the hell is supposed to be catching all these great passes Jay Cutler is gonna throw? They have a wide receiver named Devin Aromashodu and another named Juaquin Iglesias, and look at Desmond Clark’s fucking eyes. LOOK AT THEM! I guess Chicago could end up being really good this year, they still have that defense, but they haven’t had a good quarterback since I was potty-training, so I’m gonna need Cutler to show me something before I back him on the road against a frisky Green Bay squad. I’ll probably regret this, but I’m taking Green Bay.

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Buffalo at New England -11

terrell_owens shirtoff
Dick:
Tom Brady has a new knee and probably a clearer sense of his mortality on the football field after previously suffering nothing more than a hangnail. However, even with the running back situation muddled and the Patriots defense in full transition, this should be a cakewalk because Buffalo doesnít even have an offensive game plan let alone their dreadlocked, tooth-capped running back, Marshawn Lynch, who is suspended for the first four weeks. Considering that Brady still has maybe the best stable of receivers in the game, the 11 points seems a little light considering that Dick Jauron canít even decide what position to fuck his wife in.

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Tony:
The idea of hating Boston sports fans for their lack of humility, reason, class, logic, insight, and sensibility has been around for years and can largely be considered cliche at this point. That said, every time I hear some Beantown doofus jawing about FACKIN’ TAWM BRADY, BROTHA, I want to fly planes into their buildings. Conventional wisdom says always take the Pats so long as Belichick and Brady are at the wheel, and especially against a team like the Bills of Buffalo High School. But 11 points is an awful lot, especially for week one. And the Bills apparently have some super hero receiver who does situps and eats popcorn with impunity. I’m going with conventional wisdom. Pats.

New_England_Patriots_Helmet

Sax:
TAWM FACKIN BRADY, BROTHA!!! Tony can eat a bag of dicks. 11 is a lot of points, but Buffalo just fired their Offensive Coordinator, TO is old, the Pats are at home, and Brady and Moss are looking to make a statement. Brady and Moss like to make statements in meaningless regular season games against inferior opponents instead of games like the goddamn Super Bowl. I would be really excited about Joey Galloway and Fred Taylor if it was 1999. Fuck, I have a bad feeling about this season. Still, I’m taking the Pats and giving the points.

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