RUTHLESS NFL PICK-OFF: WEEK THREE

Denver at Oakland -1.5
knowshon aldavis

Dick:
The Raiders are so bad they can’t even sell out a game against the Broncos and run by a demented old man who wears the same track suit for weeks at a time. They are so bad they traded more draft picks to the Patriots for Richard Seymour and a bag of magic beans. They make the mess in Denver look good by comparison. Somehow these teams will find a way to score negative points. Unless you like the Special Olympics this is the most depressing game of the week. I’m taking Denver.

Denver_Broncos_Helmet
Tony:
Despite huge improvements at defense, the offense merely sharting the bed, and a heaping spoonful of blooper reel luck, the fact that Denver is 2-0 is obviously more a function of the caliber of teams fielded by the state of Ohio than any particular set of skillz possessed by the Donkeys. Additionally, everyone expected Oakland to be 0-7 going into week three yet somehow they’re batting .500 despite their fat oaf at QB and his scorching 35% completion rate. This game will come down to Denver’s ability to stop Oakland’s running game, primarily because all of Oakland’s receivers are dead. Donkeys cover and win.

Denver_Broncos_Helmet

Sax:
I let Tony pick the slate of games this week since I went an abysmal 1-3 last week, and his Broncos fandom has apparently blinded him to the fact that no one cares about the heated matchup between Kyle Orton and LaJamarcushawn Russell. Any attempt to offer some kind of analysis of the AFC West would be a cruel joke, so I’m just going to point out that Knowshon Moreno’s name is a combination of his father’s nickname, Knowledge, and his mother’s name, Varashon. This is not Hope and Change I can believe in. I desperately want to pick Oakland to spite Tony, but I just can’t do it. Actually, fuck it, yes I can. Oakland wins at home in this AFC WEST SHOWDOWN!!!! Kill yourself, Tony.

Oakland_Raiders_Helmet

New Orleans at Buffalo +6

brees TO
Dick:
Terrell Owens has five catches while Drew Brees threw five touchdowns in week one. Unless this game is played in a wind tunnel and Brees breaks his legs, Buffalo will be down 20 points before they get their first first down. It’s almost cruel because had Buffalo beat the Pats, we’d be talking about their resourcefulness instead of how seriously fucked they are.

New_Orleans_Saints_Helmet

Tony:
It’s annoying that New Orleans and Buffalo have both looked good enough that I have to sit here and actually contemplate this game. I have better things to do. I have a one-week-old baby currently doing his best audio impersonation of a weed eater and I’m like, “Hurrr, why does Drew Brees’s hair look like that?” My wife is fucking stoked. I think New Orleans will score a whole bunch of points, but Buffalo will score enough to cover and possibly win.

Buffalo_Bills_Helmet

Sax:
New Orleans’ offense is just too good. I might be tempted to take Buffalo and the points if this were December, but I checked the weather forecast and it’s supposed to be in the high 50’s in Buffalo on Sunday. I cover all the angles. I am like Ace fucking Rothstein. Uh-oh, now I see there is a chance of showers, and I am doubting myself. I can’t handle this pressure, man. You know what? I don’t give a fuck, New Orleans will still win by a touchdown.

New_Orleans_Saints_Helmet

Miami at San Diego -6

chad pennington rivers

Dick:
LaDanian Tomlinson may or may not be aware of this, but he might be done. The nagging injuries and knee problems have taken their toll and at this point Darren Sproles playing the role of Super Midget is a better option. However, the Chargers have bigger issues to deal with as it seems like the whole team is injured. I swear it has to be the Norv Turner effect as every team he runs is outright cursed. That being said, the Chargers are too talented and pissed off about losing to Baltimore to lose to Miami.

San_Diego_Chargers_Helmet

Tony:
This spread is bonkers. Despite being 0-2, Miami has all the momentum in this game. They rushed for just under eleven thousand yards against Indy last week, which bodes well for Miami given San Diego’s Goatse-look run defense. And speaking of San Diego, they are an injury circus playing on borrowed time. Yes, Big Bitch Rivers is the real deal, but seven Chargers missed practice on Thursday, and that’s not counting DT Jamal Williams (out for season – elbow) or C Nick Hardwick (out 8 weeks with ankle surgery). This game will be decided by Miami’s ability to not get burned on big plays by Rivers. Dolphins cover.

Miami_Dolphins_Helmet

Sax:
I think the power of Christ will compel Philip Rivers to deliver enough passionate-yet-profanity-free speeches to spur his team to victory at home, but 6 points is too large a spread. The Chargers are a mess. This is another stupid game. If it wasn’t policy to always pick the Monday night game, I bet Tony would have put Chiefs/Eagles on the docket. I hate you, Tony.

Miami_Dolphins_Helmet

Carolina at Dallas -9

delhomme tony-romo-crying

Dick:
Nine points? Are you serious? The Cowboys are atrocious and I know it’s only week three, but America’s Team officially has the biggest pussy/choker playing quarterback in the league. This game has all the makings of a great payday because Dallas may win, but it won’t be by much more than three and they could outright lose if Jake Delhomme remembers that Steve Smith plays receiver for him.

Carolina_Panthers_Helmet

Tony:
Another bewildering spread. I know Carolina is really bad, but the fact is, Dallas is just not that good. And their new stadium is why Al Qaeda exists. The other shoe is currently dropping on Romo exactly the way it has already dropped on Jake Delhomme. Mostly, though, fuck Dallas. They may win, but not by 10 or more. Carolina covers.

Carolina_Panthers_Helmet

Sax:
I’m taking Dallas. I think they have enough backbone to be pissed about giving away that Giants game, and will respond at home. I know everyone thinks this line is too high, but the wheels are really coming off the Jake Delhomme Express. At least Carolina didn’t give him a huge contract extension this offseason. Honestly, this is a stupid idea, but I am trying to make some gains in the standings by picking against Dick and Tony. This is always a winning gambling strategy. Trust me.

Dallas_Cowboys_Helmet

Standings-

Standings-
1. Tony (6-2) (4-0 last week)
2. Sax (4-4) (1-3 last week)
3. Dick (3-5) (1-3 last week)

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