RUTHLESS NFL PICK-OFF: WEEK FIVE

Atlanta @ San Fran -2.5

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Tony: There was a time when I would have looked at this spread and thought, “Wait, San Fran is favored by less than a field goal? You know what’s fucked up? Georgia has a significant Atlantic coastline, yet the Falcons are in the NFC West. Who the fuck is Jerry Glanville, and what would Dr. King think about this whole Back in Black thing?” And the super extra weird thing is, for the first time in a few years, the 49ers can actually win some games. I’m freaking out, man. Falcons.

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Sax: The Falcons are soft as fuck and the Niners are badasses, the Niners are at home and it’s not like they’re giving a ton of points, so I don’t know why I’m not taking them, but I just think Atlanta has too much talent on offense and they’ve had a bye week to figure things out. I’m taking the Falcons. Because I’m an idiot. I can’t believe I have to do this for the next 12 weeks.

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Dick: If not for Brett Favre being all Brett Favre and shit, the Niners would be unbeaten which is remarkable considering that they are essentially a rugby team that is unfamiliar with the forward pass and have a head coach who flashes his cock in the locker room. That being said, while Atlanta has a better quarterback in Matt Ryan and a better running back in a healthy Michael Turner, the Niners are at home and their defense breaks bones. I’m taking the Niners in a walk.

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New England @ Denver +3

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Tony: Last year I felt bad for Tom Brady. To get cut down via freak accident for the season in the first quarter of the first game of the year is a total bummer. One year later, I wish someone would aim for Brady’s knee with a hammer. I like how Sax will try to argue that there are not now separate roughing the passer and roughing the Brady penalties. Actually, he’ll probably just issue some sick burn like I gargle cum because he is so fucking funny. Denver.

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Sax: The following is a picture of Kyle Orton.

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Dick: This is where the Donkeys’ freight train of blind luck, bullshit, and weak opponents comes to an end. Yes, the Patriots were a Mark Clayton catch away from losing last week, but Baltimore is about 100 times better than Denver on both sides of the ball. Denver’s defense is no joke, but Tom Brady is sort of robotic when it comes to dicing up these quick turnaround teams that are thin on offensive talent. Trust me, Kyle Orton is not this good. Pats in a laugher.

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Indianapolis @ Tennessee +3.5

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Tony: Given these two teams’ respective performances thus far, I would have imagined this spread would have been larger. I guess the Colts are due for a miscue after several dominating performances. And I guess Tenessee is due to have a breakout eventually. I just don’t think either of those things are going to happen this week. Colts.

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Sax: Tennessee is fucking done. I think Kerry Collins is drinking again. If the Colts do not win and cover, I quit life.

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Dick: In the shower today I heard some jackoff from ESPN pick the Titans as his big sleeper of the week even though Peyton Manning is almost a lock for 12 wins on general principle. This is sort of a trap game because Indy has been dominant and Tennessee can’t be this bad, right? Yes they can be this bad, and they are, because they no longer have Albert Heynsworth clogging up the middle and getting 14 sacks as a defensive tackle. If Manning is able to survey the field without that behemoth in his face it doesn’t matter who he’s throwing to. When the Colts are up 20 you can count on Fisher pulling Kerry Collins so he can see what he’s got in Vince Young one … more … time. Colts by two touchdowns.

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NY Jets @ Miami +1.5

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Tony: Miami’s defense is not New Orleans’ defense, but Miami has the game film from last week’s Jets game and I imagine they will be saying things to each other like, “Hey. I think we should sack the Jets’ quarterback as many times as possible. After all, this is his first year in the league. He doesn’t have very much experience playing professional football, therefore the odds of him making mistakes are higher than those of other quarterbacks who have more experience.” The thing is, and this is where it gets interesting, the Jets defense is going to be saying THE EXACT SAME THINGS ABOUT MIAMI’S QUATERBACK. I can’t take this. Miami.

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Sax: On the one hand, I don’t think the Jets can keep winning without the ability to score. On the other hand, Miami can’t score either, and they’ve been losing. On the other hand, fuck Rex Ryan. Jets, I guess? Fuck me, it’s a good thing we’re not using real money on these things.

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Dick: Everyone seems to love the Dolphins because they have Ricky Williams. It’s awesome to have a laid back counter-culture weed-smoker at running back, but Chad Henne is now their quarterback and the Jets feast on mistakes so they Dolphins will lose. It’s not so much that I am totally sold on Mark Sanchez or Rex Ryan’s drunken rants just yet, but with the addition of Bart Scott there is definitely a certain nastiness and confidence that the Jets’ defense exudes and while their offense is still on maybe square two or three of their development, it’s better than the 1926 offense the Dolphins run.

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Standings

1. Tony (10-6) (3-1 last week)

2. Dick (8-8) (2-2 last week)

3. Sax (7-9) (1-3 last week)

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